Please. Please know that even though I'm tremendously hurt and upset by this, even though I'm trying to still understand what's going on, that I don't hate you. I can't hate you. I still care about you so much. And I miss you so much. But I don't know how to deal with what's going on. And you're giving me so little to go off of or to understand.
I'm not saying what you're doing is good or right or that I approve of this. But I can't let you believe that I hate you. And I hope you know that would never be the truth.
But you've hurt me so much this time. This is. The worst thing you've ever done. And I don't know how to process it. I don't know what you want from me when you told me this? I wish you would just tell me. I'm so scared of what's going on. I'm so scared of you. And I don't want to be.
I wish you could explain to me what's going on. I wish I knew what you wanted from me. I just want to make things go back to normal and I feel like you're giving me nothing to work with to make things okay.
But I also understand that, you probably hate me now. You probably want me dead. You've probably always wanted me dead. I promise if you tell me that's what you want I'll do it. I'll do it for you. I promise.
I just wish. I wish I could make things normal. I wish I could make you happy. I wish I was good enough for this situation. I wish you would stop and make everything alright again. I don't understand why you hate me so much or what I did to make you do this. What I did to push you this way. But please. I just want to understand. I just want things to go back to normal. That's all I want. Please. I'm so hurt.
This feels like everything I've worked for in the last six months were worthless because I'm just back at square one, covered in scars, full of drugs, and trying to hold my last grasp on reality before I jump off the deep end. I wish I could make things okay.
Maybe if I was good enough for you this would have never happened. Maybe things would still be normal if I was just fucking good enough.
I'm sorry I'm a bad person. I'm sorry I don't understand. I'm sorry, i just want things back to normal. I just want this to stop.
