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Pathos - an excerpt of the chapter from my Modes of Persuasion fic

Description: Johan centric fic

A dull thud, and hairline cracks spread out under where Johan has him pinned.

"You don't know how much I hate you," Johan hisses. "how dare you hurt them so, you have no idea how much they love us-"

A startled, derisive laugh. "How dare I? Hahaha!" His forearm gripped in a bruising, destructive hold. "I could say the same for you, mongrel." There's a struggle, halfhearted in the way that's only meant to make a point. "You have no idea how much I've suffered with your image imposed on me," They're close enough that his snarl sends spittle flying onto his face. Johan holds firm, still. "not just your pathetic worthless of a god but mine! all I wanted was to serve my god in peace and yet! Talks of belonging to someone else, like all my efforts was worth nothing to him!"

Something snaps his counterpart, and his struggle proves fruitful this time as his rage doubles his strength, sending Johan stumbling back a few steps. As if he was angry that he had accidentally let loose his one vulnerability to his nemesis.

"You will never know what it feels like!" Black hair whips back from the gale caused by summoning Exelion and Johan gets a split second to brace against at a reckless swinging bash. "To forever live in someone's shadow!"

"To be abandoned since birth!" A ringing clash, and they're both at a stalemate again as their swords lock against each other. Johan grits his teeth from the exertion.

"Unwanted," His counterpart spits out with an aggrieved, desperate light in his eyes. "even by the god you devoted your entire self to."

Something resonates with Johan's deepest fears, and his back chills as if someone dug out his old ghosts to haunt him.

Golden eyes sharpen at his brief falter, and with a sweeping blow Johan's sent back a few more steps, with ridicule in those awful eyes for sympathizing, worse, showing hesitation before the enemy.

Anger vibrates the air around them as they're both just one step shy from summoning a barrage of Exelions to run each other through, self mutilation be damned.

"So what if your god preaches free will?" His counterpart utters sulkily, as their swords crashes together once more. "I never wanted anything to do with them at all."

"..."

So what, indeed. And what can he even say to him?

Fury, indignity, condemnation, but most of all, regret. For a life lived in shadows, for a life where he was weighted with undue burdens. Nothing he can say here would help either of them. They could only go around in circles, round and round, only hating and hurting each other as they continue this worthless stalemate.

His dark aligned counterpart tracks his damning hair with a vengeance, a head of spun gold that they love so much. In a moment of clarity, he reads envy, jealousy, and so much want.

A twist of his arm, a wrist flick, and Johan parries the lock away. A quick few steps away, he's retreating like he's been burned, not so much of a let go but a throwing motion. Backing away with shame coloring his visage, he collects his swords in terse silence, all without taking his eyes off his counterpart.

At his silence, "What, nothing else to say anymore?" his counterpart snarks with a hand massaging his neck where cloth chafed skin from their previous scuffle, as if it could hide where the other hand wrapped around the hidden weapon strapped to his thigh.

Johan hates how he knows. Hates how they have the same habits, hates how he sees they have the same reasoning and logical pathways, hates hates hates. He doesn't like how he ended up like this in this lifetime, just as he knows this is how he'd end up in every lifetime had it not been for lord's influence, or anyone's really, if he never had help from the mire he was born in.

tbc

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