#lonelysucks

[goldenirish]

When your heart is aching, you put pen to paper and let the tears flow through your hands #heartache #iwannaloveyou #iwannabeloved #lonelysucks #icanfeelthedarknesscreepingin https://www.instagram.com/p/BviVysSgZTuUCYTCZkKOZeQ_d3b32xX2u0QWuc0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=ei5c0mrxwzd1

[papa-voodoo]

Life is strange, and i gotta get this off my chest before it consumes me.

SO here I sit, in this godforsaken microwave dungeon apartment, 8 minutes from my old life living on a 40 acre farm with my beautiful wife and two little boys. That beautiful wife decided just after we moved out here that she wanted a divorce because i was making her life miserable. I’m a really high strung guy, i have a temper, i yell a lot, no like A LOT, and i’m an asshole. I fought hard to make things right, but i had pushed too hard and for too long, and she found a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. Whether there was physical interaction between them i can’t say, but emotional cheating is worse in my book. 

 ok here’s a little back story: met her cuz she bought the house next door to me, a viking maiden, 6′ tall red hair, an ass for miles and she was SMART, like holy fuck, INTELLIGENT!! 

We hit it off, moved in together, spent some glorious months of new relationship time together. The love was real and glorious, well i thought it was. I’ve realized in the past few months that she wasn’t in love with me, just the idea of the older man who wanted to keep her safe from her past demons. She had some very unfortunate things happen to her previous to our getting together, from childhood on. I helped her face those demons, well tried to, but it was slowly showing through in the way we interacted emotionally and physical. 

She was informed that she was getting sent on a CONUS deployment for learning Arabic (told ya she was fucking smart) and that we had three weeks to report to her new duty station. We rented both of our houses out, packed our shit and headed to the left coast. Spent two years out there, I was stressed, couldnt find a job for shit in my industry, was only seeing my oldest boy once a month for weekend, and, in all honesty, i had conveniently forgotten that i cant stand the military, but it was seething deep in the dark recesses of my bi-polar mind and it was showing through in how i treated her. We had some huge fights, fights that should have ended our relationship, but neither one of us was ready to be alone, or at least too scared to admit it. 

She graduated with honors, learned an insanely difficult language, and we were sent back home to Denver. We came back to an economy that was trashed, there were no jobs for either of us, the USAF wasn’t helping, and the stress just kept building. Sometime in the midst of all this i became suspicious for no fucking apparent reason, that she was flirting or fuckin around. WITH NO FUCKING PROOF EITHER! My mind was finally at a snapping point with my bi-polar disorder???? whats the word for that? fuck if i know, im just fucking crazy i think.  I was constantly checking up on her, checking her email, her phone...jesus what an ass i was! 

and despite it all, we got married. She wasn’t a giddy happy bride, she was scared, she was unsure, with good fucking reason. She wasn’t happy with me, with her choice, but i think she was too prideful to admit that. And she claims that she was afraid of me, of my short fused temper, and was worried i would do something violent if she said no and broke it off. 

i wish she had said something, years later, i really wish she had said something, anything.

over the next four years we lost both our houses, had two BEAUTIFUL little boys, unknowingly moved into a meth house, ended up moving in with my folks cuz we had nowhere else to go, she got back on with the USAF, I was trying unsuccessfully to find a job that would pay me for my experience (stupid, yeah i know, $10 an hour is more than $0 an hour), finally moved into base housing when a unit came available. The stress was unbelievable, we were at each others throats, we argued, we made up, ups n downs were common between us. She mentioned a few times that she couldn’t take it any more… typical fucking guy, I thought she meant the arguing, but she meant our marriage as I later came to find out. Not long afterwards, we moved to our farm…and it went quickly downhill from there….

 So here I am, over a year later, sitting in this dungeon (that word had much better connotations in my life) wondering how do I fix this? How do I make her fall in love with me again? How do I not get so sick to my stomach every time I think of her and the potential of her being unfaithful? Do I want her back? DO I want that constant distrust that is so well founded now versus years ago when it wasn’t?

 Fuck me sideways with a chainsaw…. I hate myself, I hate everything that ive done, I hate her for not being out right honest with me. I hate that she hid her love from me, that she never showed me the same love that I showed her. Her distrust of me was founded to a degree, but if theres one thing anyone I know can say about me is that I would NEVER EVER harm her or my boys, and it cuts me to the quick that she thinks that.

[qenvarith]

Yep, me. Any ladies wanna watch me be awkward and try too hard to be charming? 😅 #singlelife #ineedadate #lonelysucks #besillywithme #corndogs

[toriiii47]

Pretty much #idontwannabealone. #lonelysucks 😩😩😩😩😩