~The preachers tell us that pride is a great sin, but the preachers are wrong. Pride makes a man, it drives him, it is the shield wall around his reputation... Men die, they said, but reputation does not die.~
It has been a while and I forgot all about my taglists and supporters here. But in the end that doesn’t mean anything, because I’m writing again. And i’ll try to keep writing because you all have been so loving and encouraging. So here is a little love, from me to you. And why this, why these two ... I just love their compasion, their chemistry. <3
Warning: Rape, Abuse
Words: 2150
Aethelflaed POV
It was a hard thing to watch … for some. To see their husband prey on other women, to watch him devour them with his eyes while you yourself held so little meaning. In the end, I was only a wife, a tie to Wessex. Nothing more, nothing less. I held no desires to which I could satisfy him. Not like they had. They were simply prices for him to conquer. In the end, they would all start to bore him. Just as I had. My eyes were lowered down to my hand, where my thumb run over the rings I wore. My patience over the conversation I held no meaning in ran rather thin. When my eyes went up Aldhelm was looking at me, understanding my suffering on the matter. He gave me a nod, one that was hardly visible as we both looked back to Aethelred and his conversation with his advisors. Ever since king Alfred died my husband was eager to overpower the lands around him. His ambition was thriving on the admiration of those women, his dominance over his people.
‘Is that wise?’ I interrupted his grand talk of power. His advisors shot a look but none was so judgemental as his. I only so lightly rose my chin, defying the look in his eyes.
‘What are you suggesting then, wife?’ Aethelred asked.
‘Let me talk to my brother, together we are stronger, united we have a far better chance against the Danes.’ I explained. People around me nodded, agreeing on a matter he would never agree on. And yet …
‘Very well, you ride on first daylight. Go listen to what your brother has to contribute to this cause.’ He smiled. A smile that was all too familiar. A smile that could kill me. I only lowered my eyes, gracing him with a respectful nod. But I knew, I knew all too well that this wasn’t the end of our conversation.
‘Ready the horses, the sooner we leave the better.’ I whispered to Aldhelm as we walked the hallways towards my chambers.
‘Offcourse my lady.’ Aldhelm bowed as he stood still before my room. His concern made me softly smile.
‘I will find you there.’ I nodded.
‘Be careful.’ He bows again before marching out of the hallway. It wasn’t easy to earn the respect of men, there were only so few men I could trust. Aldhelm was maybe the only one. As I walked into the room a servant was already there to help me ready for the night. But I wasn’t planning on staying. I needed to serve Mercia in other ways and the best way to do that was by talking to my brother, the king. It took only minutes before the door went open and my husband appeared. His eyes rested on me for a while before he looked over to the servant.
‘Leave us.’ I ordered her. She gave me a long look and I lightly nodded. She did not want to be here. I walked her out, closing the door. As I turned around I was faced with the palm of his hand, kicking against my cheek with such force I kicked back against the door.
‘Who do you think you are?’ He asked. His fingers wrapped around my throat as he pushed me against the wood.
‘I only want to do good by our people Aethelred. Going against Wessex will bring you nothing.’ I whispered, struggling to get a breath of air as he squeezed my neck, staining me with bruises I wouldn’t be able to cover.
‘You are my wife, you will do as I please, you will speak as I say so.’ He ordered. He kicked my head against the wood before he dragged me to the bed. As soon as he released me I gasped for air, clutching my fingers in the bed as he pushed me on my stomach. The humiliation of his actions left me with tears as he tore half my dress in order to rape me. ‘I should have you killed.’ He hissed, thrusting into me with such force it pained me. But I kept quiet, laying there as he had his ways. Happy he couldn’t see my face while he found such pleasure in this kind of abuse. And when he was done he simply left the room, leaving me numb on the bed. To what did I deserve this? Have I not always been faithful, not loyal?
The red burn on my cheek and the bruises around my throat were hard to hide as I walked into the stables. My proud lingering on a cliff there was no turning back from. Aldhelm walked the horses out of the stables as he got faced with my mistreatment.
‘My lady,’ he hesitated and I only laid a hand against his chest.
‘I’m fine.’ I reassure him. My voice was slightly hoarse as I forced a smile out. He looked as defeated as I felt. But he said nothing as I pulled my soar body onto the horse. He followed, holding his horse still aside from me.
‘You should suffer not so much my lady.’ He finally said.
‘My suffering is serving a purpose Aldhelm.’ ‘If that is true I hope you find yourself a little happiness too.’ He advised me. He put his horse in motion and I followed. He was right. What could be worse than Aethelred wanting to kill me? Him actually succeeding?
‘We ride for the Lord Uthred first.’ I announced. I know there was a little happiness there for there was no safer feeling than the way Uthred looked at me. I needed his advice, his strenght, his comfort, I needed him whole.
Uthred POV
‘You are predicable Osferth.’ Uthred smiled as he shoves his sword away. He wrapped an arm around the boy and petted him against the shoulder. ‘One day my friend.’ He encouraged him. There was not much to do in Cookham other than let the men rest, and enjoy themselves. Uthred would too, if he had his children here, his wife. But there was an emptiness for he didn’t have both of them. And without that, he pointed all his attention on claiming Bebbanburg back. When the time was right. They both turned to Finan who walked their way.
‘We have visitors.’ He announced. Uthred frowned, letting go of Osferth as he walked towards the gate.
‘Who is it?’ He asked.
‘It’s the lady Aethelflaed.’ Finan answered. Uthred stopped aside at the entrance of the town, looking at the small group of riders. It was her, Aldhelm, and a few loyal men. As they closed in he noticed the bruises around her neck, her rather pale face, the concern in Aldhelm his eyes.
‘Lady.’ He greeted her, grabbing the reins to hold her horse still as she came out of the saddle.
‘Lord Uthred.’ She seemed relieved.
‘What happened?’ He asked. He looked at Aldhelm who gave him a meaningful look before he followed Finan with his men, giving Aethelflaed and Uthred some time alone.
‘Nothing happened.’ She smiled, wanting to walk further. He stopped her, lightly grabbing her upper arm as he turned her back to him.
‘That is not nothing,’ he pointed to her neck. ‘you are pale. Was this Aethelred his doing?’ He asked with certain anger. There were a hundred possible ways in which he wanted to kill that man, if she would only give him permission.
‘I disagreed with his plan.’ ‘And he beat you for it?’ He asked with clenched teeth.
‘Uthred I’m fine.’ She reassured him. He didn’t answer, he just looked her in the eyes, trying to find her lying. But she wasn’t. She was one of the strongest women he had ever encountered. And while she looked back at him he wanted to do nothing else than give her the comfort nobody was giving her. But they had been here before, watching each other. And he had dismissed the feelings, just as she was dismissing them now by walking away. Uthred turned his head, watching her go, signing before he walked after her.
Aethelflaed POV
After I took some rest and cleaned myself up it was already late. Maybe this was a bad idea, coming here to Cookham. To Uthred. Maybe I was trying to avoid the situation altogether. I had never felt so insecure before. Like everything I went through had built up to this specific moment. A moment to collapse. Even the strongest of women sometimes failed in being strong. As I took the stairs down the hall was rather empty. Uhtred sat in the dark, watching the fire and I swallowed. I tried to hide the pain and sadness as I forced on a smile the moment he looked over at me.
‘How are you feeling?’ He asked calmly.
‘I’m good, I needed the rest.’ I answered him. I poured myself a cup before I went to sit aside the fire. The flames were a welcome distraction as I felt him looking at me.
‘Aldhelm told me what Aethelred want’s to do.’ Uthred started. I forced my eyes away from the fire, looking back at him. ‘You agreeing to that?’ He asked. My eyes lowered to my cup as I swallowed again.
‘I’m with Mercia now and he does not listen to my opinion.’ I politely tried to formulate.
‘He wants to go against the King, for his own sick ambitions. What about your father’s vision of a united land?’ He asked.
‘I don’t know Uthred.’ I snapped with impatience. I covered my mouth with my fingers, closing my eyes as I turned my head away from him. I could hear him breathe out before there was that silence. A silence I no longer could handle. I felt a tear roll down my cheek.
‘Aethelflaed,’ ‘I can’t live like this,’ I interrupted him. I ran the back of my hand over my cheek as I looked back at him. ‘without a purpose, caged, unhappy. I serve Mercia because my father wanted that for me. To forge an alliance worth remembering. There is nothing holding anymore.’ I explained through my tears. Uthred laid a hand on my shoulder and in my moment of weakness, I buried my head in the crook of his neck. ‘To what did I deserve this? This life?’ I asked in a smothering tone. His arm felt safe, secure, and comforting around me.
‘Your moment will come Aethelflaed.’ He said. He was sure of it, I could hear it in his voice. I felt his hand move up to my neck as he supported the side of my head so he could look at me. I opened my watery eyes as I looked at him. ‘If you want me to kill him you just say it, I will kill him for you.’ He said in a serious tone.
‘No, I don’t want to see you punished for my selfish feelings.’ I replied. My fingers were shaking a little as I touched his cheek. ‘Kiss me.’ I whispered. The last time I asked him that he denied me everything because of his fear of the curse. Because he didn’t want Aethelred to find out. But Aethelred didn’t care what my whereabouts were. As long as I served his goal. Uthred looked down my lips, his forehead contacting with his. ‘Provide me with a little happiness, a little tenderness, love,’ my voice faded as I watched his dark eyes. He shook his head and I feared he would pull back. But instead, he pushed his lips against mine. They felt warm, somewhat reassuring, and urgent. I had never been kissed like this before. My hand grabbed a hold of his tunic as he pulled me closer. I felt his hand in my hair, his heart beating against my chest. I opened my lips, letting his tongue scour mine in such a passionate feeling. He pulled my hair lightly, breaking the kiss. I was out of breath, resting my forehead against his as I opened my eyes.
‘If he finds out he will punish you worse.’ He whispered. I stroke his head, pressing another kiss against his lips.
‘Aldhelm will not betray me, nor will your people. I have been punished for less.’ I reassured him. Uthred was thinking about my safety, that was all he cared about. That is why he didn’t want to do it in the first place. It cost me my vulnerability for him to give in to it. To show him that this was the little happiness I was pursuing. And he gave me that. He gave me that little bit of happiness when he pulled me closer into another kiss. And I enjoyed it, I enjoyed it like it was the first kiss and I enjoyed it like it would be my last.
