fuck i miss cuddling and living with him. it was just so fun to have someone to talk to and go to bed with all the time. i just can't believe he's throwing that away? like playing games together and watching things together and everything. i'm slightly scared i'll never have that again.
and i feel guilty because i don't feel like i necessarily need to wait long to like "figure myself out" or something before looking for someone new, because i guess... a big part of me feels like, while i don't entirely understand what happened (since it doesn't seem to be governed by logic), it doesn't seem to be me? and i know what i want out of life and partnership at this point? and the part he says was me that wasn't entirely ridiculous, was stuff i did two years ago that he can't let go of (and that i think other people would be more sympathetic to).
i mean, there are people i had some small feelings for while i was with him, but i let it go because i enjoyed what i had with him and didn't wanna lose that for a chance of new romance or anything. though i worry feeling this way makes me the same as him. i don't want to use anyone as a rebound, that would be fucked up. but i've never been that kind of person? if i like someone, i like someone, and i've never ended up realizing my feelings were false or less than i thought they were. i worry this makes me just like him or a hypocrite, since he's already "moving on" or w/e and i think he's doing the wrong thing...but i'm not the one who did a total 180 on a relationship i've had for 4 years, you know? i knew how i felt all along, what i wanted, what would make me happy now and in the future, and any bumps along the way i took care of with introspection and long conversations. maybe i'm giving myself too much credit?
i feel bad but, i'm not sure i believe he feels more for her "romantically" than he ever did towards me? maybe i just don't wanna accept that as true because it hurts so much, but...it just doesn't make sense. maybe he does, i dunno - it's just hard to imagine him feeling more than he seemed to feel towards me, especially so fast? tho with how easily he decided to dump me and that i could never make him happy, he really might not have cared much ever. though no one sees it that way who saw me and him interact - my parents were as blind-sided by this as i was, and my mom usually can sense when her friends are gonna breakup/divorce quite a while before it happens. (they saw us just a few days before he pulled this shit, too)
it just almost feels like he's really...turned on some switch and changed all of the sudden? i mean, he's looking at buying a car and driving lessons and for a new apartment, when a few weeks ago he was too freaked out about money issues to split the groceries how we normally did. maybe he's feeling better because he worked for a bit, i guess, but idk.
i think the thing that scares me the most is that he's right, and i couldn't make him happy. it makes me feel like a failure. but then, sometimes i think - even if that's true, even if he is happier without me..i'm not sure it's for the right reasons? with the ridiculous standards he was creating, i feel like maybe he would be happier with someone else - someone who would cater to him more and not challenge him as much. he insists that's not it, but with his stupid expectations i don't believe it. i feel like i'm full of myself for saying that, making excuses for the wrongs i made. but i understand i messed up and that hurt him, but like...to wait two years, after i seemed to have fixed the issue, and suddenly "realize" you can't get over it even if you're happy with them? that feels kinda wack.