Love on the Run
“Love is not a sprint, it’s a marathon.” - Howard Wollowitz
A couple weeks ago, during lunch with an old running buddy, I likened dating to training for a race. As soon as I left the restaurant, I thought to myself, “Did I really just say that? OK, I am officially running too much.”
Coincidentally, that night I saw an episode of “Big Bang Theory” and Howard Wollowitz made a similar comparison. Maybe I wasn’t too far off after all.
After giving it some thought – hey, your mind wanders to some real strange places after three straight hours of running – I decided to compile a list of basic rules that apply both to running and dating.
● Don’t make your first run a marathon.
The advice I gave my friend was to try online dating merely as a means of practice for real dating. You wouldn’t decide to run a marathon without training for it; you have to start with a mile or two at a time, and build from there. Online dating is really like a crash course in Dating 101: What to do, what to say, what to wear, what to text… and most crucial, how to flirt! I’ve already established that it’s not probable you’ll meet your soul mate online (not impossible, just nearly), but I stand by my argument that if you’ve been out of the dating pool for a while, it’s the best way to dive back in and get your feet wet.
Once you’ve gotten the hang of running the first few miles, you’re ready to tackle some middle-distance races. And once you’ve lived to tell about your three-month trial on Match.com, you’re ready to take the training wheels off and give “real” dating a try. Go out to bars, flirt with that cute guy you see at the market, put yourself out there and take a few risks.
● You have to warm up.
Just as you have to do some stretching and moving around before a good run, you can’t just jump into a relationship with someone. No matter how awesome they are, how awesome you are together, or how awesome things seem to be going. You need time to get to know one another. You need to learn about their routines, basic likes/dislikes, their moods and triggers. The relationship warm-up is where you work out all the awkward kinks. The things you’re still afraid of him finding out about you, and the things you learn about him – they all come out and surprise you. If you leap straight into a relationship without knowing these things, they’re going to sneak up on you like a bad cramp in the second mile.
● The faster you start, the faster you’ll burn out.
One of the most important – and hardest – lessons to learn in running is how to pace yourself. If you’re running 13.1 miles, you can’t run the same speed as you would for 3 miles. You just won’t be able to maintain it. You go into a 5K race with the plan to run as fast as you can for those 3 short miles. If you take off with that same mentality for a half-marathon, you’re going to burn out early and hit your wall.
It’s important to recognize which race you’re running when it comes to dating. Most of the time, we date someone with the intention of it lasting a while, if not forever. Once and a while though, you might meet someone and know right away that it’s not going to last. But you can still enjoy the heck out of it while it does. You can rush into everything with those fun little sprints. But you’ve got to remember that that’s all it is – a sprint.
Suppose you meet someone and you’re lucky enough to be able to tell that this one is special; this one is an ultra-marathoner. You’re totally going the distance with this one. Two words to live by: Start slow. You know the cliché about not rushing into things? This is where it’s most important.
This rule is personally the most difficult one for me to follow. Being in love and being impatient is a bad combo. I don’t like waiting. When I want something, I want it now. And if I can’t have it now? I pout. This comes with all things in my life, from eating to training to relationships to shopping. I’ve gotten better, but I’m still far from perfect. Last October, I ran a half-marathon. My goal pace to finish in 2 hours and 30 minutes was an 11:20 minute mile. I started out strong – too strong. For the first four miles I was running a 10:30 pace, when I’d trained between 11:30 and 12:00. I flew over hills and bridges. I passed hydration stations without stopping for water. You can guess what happened. As I approached Mile 12, I hit my wall so hard I nearly stopped altogether and realized I might not finish. I was too eager and burned through all my strength and energy early on.
WTW Guy has had to enforce the “Let’s not rush into things” rule with me a couple of times now, and honestly, I’m glad he has the good sense to keep us on pace. We dated for months before becoming “official.” We took the time to warm up and get to really know each other, and I think we’re a stronger couple for it. It’s important to ease into things. I never feel like I’m really hitting my stride until I’ve run three or four miles. We’re nearly three “official” months into our relationship, and I feel like he’s my best friend and I can talk to him about anything, no matter how dumb I sound.
● There will be bad runs, and there will be good runs.
You can’t step up and hit a home run every time you’re at bat. Wait – I’m mixing up my sports metaphors now. Not every run is going to go perfectly. You might be injured, sluggish or just not feeling it. And you can never tell until you’ve left the gate how it will go. The best thing to do when you’ve had a really crappy run is to get through as much of it as you can, tell yourself you did your best, and get ready for the next one.
Not every day you spend with your beloved is going to be perfect. Couples fight. People have bad days. Small things that on any other day would seem insignificant can be blown up and out of proportion. You can’t quit just because you’ve had a bad day or a disagreement. You keep going. Tough it out and work through the pain. Collect yourself, work it out, and know that the next run is going to be easier. You wouldn’t quit running forever because of one leg cramp; you can’t quit a relationship because of one fight.
● Keep hydrated and re-fuel yourself along the way.
When out for a long run, you’ve got to take care of yourself along the way. You need to keep drinking water and choke down those awful energy chews. They are essential to any long-distance run, and without them, you’re probably not going to make it very far. The equivalent of these in any long-term relationship is all the fun little things you do to keep the romance alive. Little love notes, fun dates, cute surprises, racy texts: They might not seem like much, but they do wonders to help maintain that initial spark that brought you two together. The smallest gestures let your S.O. know you love and appreciate them, and it helps carry you both over the miles.
● Take it easy on the hills.
Every relationship has its ups and downs. When you’ve hit a rough patch – take your time to work through it. Don’t think you can breeze past it and everything will be ok. Slow down, keep your head up, remember to breathe, and take that hill one step at a time. And keep in mind how good it will feel once you’ve reached the top and you’re able to fly back down.
● Maintain your focus and remember to prioritize.
It’s easy to get distracted from training for a big race, especially after months and months of it. I’m in my fourth month of training for my first marathon, and I’ll admit it’s getting harder to stick to my routine. I miss going out on Saturday nights, and sleeping in on Sundays. Instead, I make Fridays my big night out and I’m in bed hours before SNL so I can be up at 5:30 am for my long runs. I get real sick of drinking 100-plus ounces of water a day. I don’t foam roll as much as I should. I hate interval and speed training more than words can say, and usually when I’m doing them, all I can think about it everything else I’d rather be doing. But I know that if I didn’t make time to run three or four days a week, if I didn’t drink all that water and get as much sleep as I can, it would derail months of hard work and make finishing all 26.2 miles nearly impossible.
In the same vein, you have to maintain focus on a relationship. Distractions can and will creep up – don’t let them throw you off track. Work gets crazy and you become busy; friends and family want to make plans with you; kids demand attention 24/7 – despite all of these things, you have to create time for each other. Think life is tough now? Imagine doing it alone. Don’t lose focus on the one you love. There could be some nasty ex- who comes crawling back, or even a fun flirtation out at a bar one night – ignore them. If you’re going to keep that relationship going, respect and care for each other above all else. If you’re intent on making your relationship work, you’ve got to make it a priority.
The irony behind this – for me, anyway – has been trying to prioritize both my boyfriend and a training schedule. Lucky for me, I have the world’s most understanding and supportive guy who knows how important this race is to me.
● Don’t listen to that voice of doubt in your head.
It happens to every runner. Somewhere toward the middle to the end of the race, your brain lets go and starts to drift toward some pretty dark places. You get emotional. It becomes more than a run; it’s an extension of your psyche. Your confidence is questioned and doubt takes over. “What made me think I was capable of doing this? I suck. I’m not good at this. I’m not good at anything!” Fear takes over your thoughts and your run.
It’s similar to those with a fear of commitment. Or those who just get scared at the first sign of trouble in a relationship. It’s easier to just take off than it is to confront the fear head on and get through it. When this happens, remember why you signed up for this race in the first place. Whether it’s a shiny medal or the love of your life, keep your eye on the prize. It will help keep you on pace, focused and fueled. That finish line is closer than you think.