#lovelymichelle

[lovelymichelle]

an abundance of emotion, yet emotionless

[lovelymichelle]

gone.

[lovelymichelle]

I really do not want to control u or tell u what to do, but at the same time idk if I can live my life with someone who continues to show minimal effort in their own progress. it would be different if we were just friends and ur success didn’t interfere with my goals and plans and potential future of my children…. but it does. not only do I want you to be successful and do something passionate for your own sake, but I want you to have something to bring to the table. I do not want the financial responsibility to rely mostly on me. I’m sorry but that is not my idea of my ideal future- I am not asking you to make more than me or to do more than me, no, not at all. But I am asking that you show efforts towards financial stability, towards doing something you love, or doing something, literally anything. I do not feel like my standards are high, I just want to know that my future will be somewhat of an equal partnership in raising our family, and that you will have stability in what you do. I know we do not know what the future will hold but I assure you that planning is better than not planning. It stresses me out thinking that we might be struggling financially, especially after all the work I have put into my career. I do not want to be the sole provider, I’m sorry, I don’t. And I don’t want to have a constant fear of not being able to provide for my family in the way I wish to. And this is something that sits in the back of my mind everyday. These thoughts persist and increase as the days go by that I see little to no progress being made. I am not here to put you down, if anything I am just sad on the talent that is not being used to it’s full potential. I wish it wasn’t this way, but this is the time when we prepare for our futures. I picture a stable home and providing the best opportunities for our kids, such as sending them to private school, but when I see us relying on my income, I don’t know if that will be enough, nor do I want to be the only one brining financial income to the table.

[lovelymichelle]

and if you loved yourself you’d try,

but I don’t think you do

[lovelymichelle]

how many more days

how many more months

how many more years

until I find a peaceful place of my own

[lovelymichelle]

spread so thin

I just have so much on my shoulders and I can’t do it all

I need to do well in school, do well at this practicum, write a whole dissertation, get accepted to internship, get a lot of hours, hold a job so I can at least make SOME money and go towards the goal of saving money and moving out, staying social and keeping up with all my friends, maintaining a relationship with my boyfriend, trying to diet and loose weight, work out, wear cute clothes and look good, oh and have fun, but that’s low on the list

How am I supposed to do ALL this

so what happens is something typically gets left out, usually my health/diet/exercise. And among all the things I do, I don’t go anything exceedingly well because I’m trying to do everything so therefore I’m mediocre at best in trying to manage and exceed in all these things. how am I supposed to do all these things, how am I ever going to move out if I don’t get paid for the majority of what I do, how am I going to pass exams when I have to manage everything else, how am I going to hold this image of a beautiful and sexy girlfriend when I put diet and exercise on the back burner of my life because other things get in the way. How.

And how do I make time for anything outside of all this like fun events and hanging with people. I don’t want to have to schedule people in or put them on the back burner but then I have all these other obligations and I have to tell them I can’t hang or cancel on them. And then I feel really bad, like a bad friend

I feel like a piece of shit

A piece of shit friend, girlfriend, student, daughter, money saver

everything

And then OH AND THEN IM SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME. Through all the shit and responsibilities im supposed to smile through and manage stress and not cry or express what I’m going through. Because it’s odd if I burst into tears or talk about how hard things are so often. Even though I feel like I’m falling apart

But I’m not supposed to take vacations or time off cuz that means less money earned or less hours earned at practicum and it means I have to spend money when I’m supposed to be saving to move out.

I can’t do this anymore

[lovelymichelle]

Just when it all became perfect, it got fucked up again :)

[lovelymichelle]

I’m in love bye