Since my parting comment is currently being weaponized in the officer's chat by Lucerna, I will put it out here in public where everyone can see. As you can tell, I was angry. In fact, I still am. But here's the thing. I don't. Regret it. At all.
Somehow it was our fault that your own evidence proved you were not telling the truth about today's incident. Instead of learning from it as one of the other mods encouraged you to do, you chose instead to take it as a personal attack because we did not act without question against your target.
You got yourself kicked out of events because of your own well-documented misbehavior.
You stalked the person you claimed was stalking you. You tried to use myself and others to get dirt on this person.
When my friend was harassed, you demanded absolute proof before doing anything--and then you STILL didn't do anything when you were presented with that proof, because people might say bad things about you.
You, you, you. We're supposed to feel sorry for you when you cause people pain and refuse to ever take responsibility for it. Not them! Poor you.
No. I have no sympathy left for you. :)
I was one of the original officers of the FFXIV housing discord. I'd been an officer for a year and a half. I left today.
Lucerna, you've hurt several people I care about, and it's happened too many times to be accidental. Lies about event drama, doing nothing about a stalker in the discord when provided with ample proof of harassment, trying to manipulate me (and others) into providing dirt on people who want nothing to do with you. The rules of the discord don't apply to you.
Final straw was when you misread a situation about another friend of mine. Everyone makes mistakes. But you don't admit yours, even when you proved it was your mistake with screenshot evidence. You doubled down and smeared anyone who pointed that out instead. So mean for us not to go after someone because an accusation was baseless! Poor you!
You have so much concern for appearances, for your "reputation", but you have no concern about actually having a good one. I can't respect that.
Thoughts ran around in his head, again it was complicated, he was lost not knowing how he should feel, or what he should be doing with himself. There was progress when they spoke to Loivoix, Lucerna seemed to be able to pull herself back from the abyss. As long as she wanted to fight, he would find some way to help.
The tuna tenderloin was rolled in the pepper crust, the actions more automated than anything he had to think about, he had to have made it hundreds of times. Though he was not paying attention when he put the full loin on the hot pan. There was down sides to having such a creative genius mind, the racing thoughts was one of the bigger drawbacks.
He didn’t hear Laplace Daemon come down the steps, his own mind lost in the sea of thoughts.
"Ash? Where's uh..." There was a brief pause, “...where's Lucerna? Asleep, I take it?"
An ear flicked, as her voice cut through the thoughts racing around his brain. “Perhaps…” A shrug left him not entirely sure why she was asking him about Lucerna’s state. He left her in professor Loivoix’s room. He looked at the tuna, more than he could eat portion of food, he accidentally cooked. "Want some tuna, pepper crusted."
There was a clear look of confusion on her face, making Ash wonder if he spoke in the correct language. "...Sure. I was hungry anyway, and I don't mind tuna." Laplace finally answered.
One problem solved, he took down another plate and started making the salad of sprouts, arugula and baby biter leaves that would help offset the pepper sweetness of the tuna. He also was not able to have a good meal with out some carbs, so two pieces of thick bread found a waiting skillet. “I felt, we made progress tonight.”
One of Lap’s eyebrows go up as she watched him. "With Lucerna? I think so too, poor girl. I hope she can learn to forgive herself someday..." Laplace crossed her arms, gently shook her head. "...It's a good thing she has you though. Maybe you two can figure things out." He caught a glimpse of Laplace smiling as she spoke again. "Lucerna is a sweetheart at her core, even if she'll never admit that now. I think she just needs to be supported, and maybe that can be coaxed out. Or so I like to think, but I'm no professor."
"She isn’t going to forgive herself." It was a fact in his mind, he had at least been paying attention during the emotional chats he had with Lucerna in the recent past. The tenderloin was off the heat now and he buttered the slices of bread. "It’s what defines her, how she lives with herself and what happened."
The woman heaves a deep sigh, “Perhaps not, but a girl can hope for it all the same. What of you, Ash? How do you feel?" Laplace asked while he worked on getting the toast on to a small side plate for himself. "About this, I mean. You said you didn't like feeling helpless back in there, so I know you care, at least."
There was a lot he could have said, some of it danced around his brain for a moment. "It’s complicated. Just don't push your hopes on her, or get upset when they don't workout." Sound advice that would save anyone frustration when dealing with a survivor’s recovery. A sharp clean knife cut slices of the pepper crusted tuna, placing them around the two undressed salads. "I want her to be free, to make her own choices. The same thing everyone wants I assume." He handed her the plate of food right after sprinkling the salad with some light dressing.
Taking it with a grateful smile she started to talk as she followed him to the bar to sit. "And here I thought I was just having a sandwich when I came down here." He heard her laugh softly before continuing. "I know what you're saying, though. I'd had no intention of pushing things. I just worry for her, is all. When she said what she did yestersun when we got out of there.”
He could see her color drain some as she shook her head. “She ran right off a cliff, apparently. Lucerna is…” her words faltered, “... I consider her my best friend. I want her to be free as well, but I'd also like it if she could smile for herself, if only a bit. Perhaps it won't happen but I will keep hoping."
Reaching for the iced water he took a drink like it was whiskey on the rocks. The pain that he felt at the words, suicide was an unfortunate reality in the castrum. Not everyone can do the things he had done, and live with themselves. "We will see.. " He let it drift off some as he held his water. "One day at a time, there will be days like this, were things seem to fall backwards. Hearing her say she wants to be free, gives me some hope." Lifting his glass before he was truly done talking, his words of self deprecation lost to it.
Taking the next stool, Laplace had a gentle smile, despite the dark circles around her eyes. The natural empathy Ash possessed, told him she was in a good mood. "Yeah, that made me hopeful too." There was a pause as she peered at him while he was eating. "Forgive me, am I bothering you?"
Looking over he paused clearly unsure why she would ask such a thing. Though seeing her shovel the food in to her mouth, he was not sure if she would be able to clarify without choking. So he guessed, “No, not at all. Just beating myself up some.”
Mouth wide as she was about to devour another fork full of tuna and salad, her cheeks suddenly went red. In a flurry she suddenly corrected herself, correcting her posture and dabbing her lips with the napkin, Trying to perhaps pretend she was not eating like a hungry wolf at the table. “The tuna, it's really good, you're a fine cook."
Standing she went off to get herself a glass of water was she spoke. "Regardless, what are you beating yourself up for? If you don't mind my asking. You seemed to do a hell of a lot more for her this sun than anyone else, barring perhaps the Professor."
"I can cook a very few things well." He corrected as he cut a piece of tuna in half. Then he ate it between thoughts, enjoying the fish before became cold. "I, never was great with people. I… I feel clumsy when it comes to things like this.”
Laplace simply shook her head as she sat back down. "She's a grown woman. She has her struggles but..." Lap bit into a bit of salad she'd caught on her fork, and quickly deals with it. "...ultimately, you want her to make her own choices, right? You two already have pet names for each other."
Something skipped a gear in his head and he just stared at her, before repeating the words like they were in some foreign language. “Pet names…” Blinking some as if trying to command his brain to reboot. “It’s, like inspiration, not umm…” Nope process failed and that was all he was able to say.
Her red eyes just looked at him for a long moment before her shoulders started to tremble, and the giggles escaped her in a sudden fit. "You call her 'Dove', and she calls you 'Brave', Ash!" The giggles were not done yet, continuing to interrupting her sentence. “You two are cute together, you know? She was melting into your arms earlier, it was the sweetest thing I've seen in moons."
It was not really registering what she was getting at, though she seemed amused by it. “Ummm…” He lifted his fork and ate another slice of the tuna, no higher thinking needed for the action.
Laughter now as as she fought to speak. "Forgive me, forgive me. I could ill resist the opportunity, but I mean it, you two get on well."
Ash watched Laplace go back to eating and seemingly done with confusing him further. It was odd, but at the same time familiar, to be apart of a joke he had no knowledge of. Like perhaps someone placed a ‘filthy savage’ sign on his back, and every one was laughing, while he was oblivious.
“It seemed to help.” His ears were pink while his moon touched gray cheeks did a good job of hiding the warmth he was feeling. “Better than doing nothing, right?” He truly sounded unsure, as if he was waiting for her to take the sign from his back, and reveal the joke.
Shaking her head she went to speak again still holding the fork ready to attack the food. "I wasn't saying it was a bad thing, not at all! On the contrary really, Lucerna, I know she responds really well to physical contact. I don't know why she's like that, but when she's uncertain, or when she's upset, she seems to calm down if she's hugged, or even if her hand is held." The last remains of her plate were eaten before she continued. "Hells, even when she seems to be having bad dreams. While she was recovering, after that Highlander drugged her, she seemed to calm a bit when someone was with her."
Peering over at him she had a smile on her face as she once again spoke. "Call me presumptuous, but I think she wants you to be the one to hold her hand in those times. If how she was leaning into you in Loivoix's room was anything to go by, at any rate."
Panic, yes, that is what he was suddenly feeling, though he racked his brain to figure out why. “I overstepped my place…” Looking away from Laplace he looked at what was left on his plate. “I’m new here, and should have not leaped in like I did."
Her head was shaking in his peripheral vision. "You're thinking too hard, Ash." There was a small break in her words for a sigh. "Think less about your 'place' here and more about what you want out of life. Forgive me for saying this, but, your job here in this Free Company, isn't your entire life. It doesn't need to control you."
There was some relief in the change of subject, less focus on the joke. "It's what I’m good at, and nobody's getting hurt by what I'm doing." He picked at what was left of his food. "Place, rank, order, it is like a first language, a good default.” He tried to explain between bites. “I also teach at the orphanage, seeing I know what it is like to not have anyone or anything. I want them to have opportunities, without being swept up by the Empire."
Looking over at Laplace his ear flicked some, perhaps finding one of the sources of her confusion. "You do know I’ve only been out of a uniform for a year and a half? Of that I’ve only been here, a moon or so." Saving her from explanation that he spent most of that first year being a hermit, and scavenging, before being manipulated by a psychopath.
Some understanding as she shook her head, no she didn’t know. "I didn't know that, but I do now, forgive me.” A small apologetic smile filled the air between thoughts. "I suppose I can understand, though. T'would be like me, trying to shake myself out of a huntress' mindset. It's my default."
"If you'll bear my prattling a bit longer, I think you should chase what you want. Do what comes naturally sometimes. Like that hug she needed that, I think, but I won't lecture you further. You say you teach at an orphanage? I didn't know that, either. Would you tell me a bit about them?"
The thought of the children brought a small smile to his face. "I won't turn away advice, though not sure if I will follow it. I think people are making this out to be more than it is." He had hoped to spare Lucerna from the teasing.
Laplace chuckled at that. "I'll not fluster you further, not tonight at least."
His plate was at least clear now, "They are all so thirsty to know everything, innocent even the ones who are the most hurt. I, have a hard time remembering myself like them. I teach science, once a sennight we do something practical outside, a space to safely experiment. It has been a tad taxing they do not understand what happens when I... when I have to step away."
There was a brief moment of silence as she listened. "Step away for visions, I take it? I... Well, perhaps they need not know." Ash could see her grimace, likely remembering the one time she had witnessed him having a vision. "Sorry, 'tis hardly my business, but, I would simply tell them you have regular migraines.”
"That is what I have said, the head mistress seems to be forgiving, and my lessons are not a main focus of the cas… orphanage.” The Imperial terminology was likely going to haunt him for the rest of his days.
“Ah, but I digress. I'm glad you have something you enjoy. Ash, if I may offer a light suggestion?"
There was a pause as he waited for her suggestion. "If they're in Eorzea, perhaps bring them to Lucerna's restaurant sometime? There's apparently magitek-based games there, it could be a fun way of showing them different uses for science."
He was not going to over step his boundaries there. “They are in Gardenia, though I'm not…” Shaking his head some. “... it is not really my place. Though I may make something like it, perhaps something that helps them understand how things relate to each other.. " His words drifted off as he thought about a couple of visuals that could help with his lessons, including some basic problem solving games. He felt his mood sink some, he had a full time job, and one on the side. "A lot of ideas not a lot of time."
He could see she understood, likely faced similar problems herself. "I see, I misunderstood, forgive me."
Did she think he ran an orphanage? A year and change away from the empire, where did she think he would find the time. Also he was not going to tell her that he was not legally in Eorzea, the Alliance had no idea he was there, and he had no intention of telling them.
"If you ever decide to pursue that idea though, to create something similar, I'd like to see what you come up with." She gave a light smile as she got to her feet. "Much as I'd love to chat all eve. I fear my lack of rest since last eve is beginning to take its toll, and I feel my body telling me it's finally willing to sleep.”
“If you ever need help chasing those ideas of yours Ash, try and remember you've got friends now, alright? People who will help you." Turning she made her way up the steps with a few parting words. "Take care, Ash. Thanks for the tuna, I'll repay the favor sometime."
"Rest well. After this turn around, I will likely also see how much sleep I can get."
There was a small wave before he picked up the dishes and went to the kitchen to clean them. The racing thoughts were at least more organized now, and now he was able to focus. Though he was not looking forward to the nightmares, the memories of people who had ended their own lives, were already trying to get a hold.
Patient: Ash has been through a lot while he lived in Ilsabard, as a slave to the Empire. While he can’t claim to be centered and focused every day, he understand people all have things they struggle with and suffer through.
Mostly Positive: Despite all he has been through Ash’s outlook is mostly positive. He genuinely thinks he can help people and make a difference. Making him a good person to talk to when you need that uplifting energy.
Emphatic Soul: He doesn’t like to see anyone or thing suffer. He will likely be the first to apologies when there is a misunderstanding or a fight, as well as first to try to mend bridges.
Protective: Not wanting anyone he cares for to suffer, Ash is quickly to act when a person he cares about needs help. While he is aware he can not fix everything, and some burdens people have to walk alone. There is a fount of knowledge and ideas he can offer to help with problems. Even if he does not know much on the subject he is willing to do whatever he can to help.
Cons
Alcohol: Ash is walking close to the line of being a functional alcoholic. Using the drink as a way to numb the physical and mental pain of seeing visions of people in their final moments. His visions have started to not just cover a person’s death, but the pain of them has not changed.
Awkward: No, Ash has no idea what he is doing when it comes to relationships.
Triggers: The Empire did a number on him while turning a young tribal Miqo’te male, into the godless Allagian engineer he is today. There is a number of things that people do daily that causes him discomfort. While he has chosen to suffer this in silence, it has made it harder for people to be allowed close to him.
Night Terrors: With his past being a slave to the Empire, Ash has seen, and done things he may never speak of. While he uses alcohol to try to make the memories fade, his mind is quick to make sure he never forgets.
Retreating into his room Ash closed the door and bee lined for the washroom. He turned on the faucet, making the cold water flow to his waiting hands. The cold water felt like ice on his flushed cheeks. The water flow stopped and he pulled the towel from the wall and buried his face in it. Slowly the burning feeling was finally leaving his cheeks and ears.
“What in the hell am I doing? She doesn't need this, I'm just embarrassing her.” The towel in hand was thrown in to the hamper, even though it didn't deserve to be there yet. Leaving the washroom he would pick up a book and flop in to the soft chair near his bed.
Meanwhile some place far north of Ala Mhigo...
Castrum Tempus was smaller than its military counterparts. While there was armed forces marching on the outside, with in was clearly more focused towards science. Garlean scientist in white coats, looking over screens and adjusting tech around them. They focused on their work, ignoring the commotion happening in the center of the lab.
Strapped to the angled table was a young Hyur, about twenty years, dressed in a standard imperial uniform. Standing before the restrained man was a pure blood Garlean, his imperial uniform pristine, creases in perfect lines with his rank perfectly straight. Behind him two Elezen siblings stood at attention awaiting orders.
“Thank you for coming all this way conscript, I see you have been made comfortable.” His expression was blank, as his cold blue eyes looked to the restrained Hyur. “I was informed you have something to tell me about a conscript?” He glanced at the folder nearby. “An Ashliel’a Aan Vallenya?”
“Y..yes sir. Conscript Vallenya, he could see things before they happened. Vis.. visions Sir.”
“Interesting, and this is what you reported when they questioned you about where he might have ran off to?”
“Yes sir.”
“All those years you have kept his secrets from the Empire. How little integrity you have shown for The Empire, your savior, or he as a friend, and fellow conscript.”
The Garlean turned to look at the sibling Elezen. “Go fetch this Ashliel’a Aan Vallenya for me.”
Their heels click and forearms crossed their chest in the expected Imperial salute. “Yes sir.” Then they marched out of the laboratory.
Turning back to the restrained Hyur the Garlean scowled. “Don’t worry, I have a use for you yet. Your lack of loyalty won't be a problem.” Turning the Garlean gave a small flick of his hand, a signal that he was done here. Turning he would move to leave the laboratory “We fix the useless here, make them useful again, you -will- learn what loyalty means.” The words bitter in the air as he left.
The tech around where the Hyur was bound came to life, as the angled table started to return to a horizontal position….
Ash put his hand to his forehead as the pain came in waves, like needles being stabbed in to his eye and temple. Closing the book he moved to the bed and reached for his eye patch. He had come to accept this pain as warning signs, though it did not always become a vision.
The door closed a tad heavier than he intended, causing Ash to turn and give it a look. Mismatched eyes looked at the steps that lead up to the loft, the liquor that resided up there was more than tempting. A hand went to his side where Lucerna’s ax had cut him open, the chain and leather he wore did nothing to stop the blow. Though the stitches and bandages were doing their part in helping him heal, nothing would be able to numb the words spoken by the Ascian.
Two steps up the stairs and his body just became too heavy to continue. The white tail, still stained red in some places, curled around him. The fluffy tuft still flicking back and forth on the end in silent agitation. Normally the alcohol would be the first thing he would have. The sting of it washing away the thoughts that ran through his head, numbing the mental, and physical pain.
Wrapping his arm around his side he just sat there mind racing, so many thought, too much to make sense of any of it. His life was never complicated, the Empire was pretty cut and dry with what they wanted, and how he was allowed to feel. Attacking Lucerna was, painful more than just fighting someone who was stronger and faster then he would ever be. He never had to attack someone he considered a friend before today.
She was going to be alright, the Ascian was ripped to a million pieces of aether. At least that is what Ash think he saw. It was hard to see with only his right eye able to see what was happening. Most of what the Ascian said was just stercore, desperate grasps at people’s fears. Though it was not all empty words, it did say something that struck its mark, one of Ash’s fears.
“Ash, so quick to renounce your allegiances to the Empire and join ranks with their enemy. Is that truly your motivation? Why are you here? You're just protecting your best investment so you can turn Lucerna over to your Imperial allies to climb their ladder. You're the kind of person who will just end up using her.”
Ash shook his head some, hoping to banish the only thing that remained of the Ascian from his mind. He could not deny he was indoctrinated by the Empire, that they had a strong influence over his day to day choices. The possibility of him using Lucerna was truly something he feared, using anyone the way he had been used, the way the Empire uses everyone.
Standing he went down and to the washroom, starting work to get the blood stain out of his white tail fluff. “Think positive..” He ordered himself as the water flowed with rust colors in to the drain. “She is going to be up and walking in a few days, we did win…”
One more layer of bandages around his abdomen, before he would change into a loose shirt and pants for sleeping. It was not the Imperial issued pants and shirt he was given, and the bed was actually soft, some nights too soft. Pulling the blankets up he was asleep, as soon as his head hit the fluffy pillow.
Visions, they sometimes gave warning, like a sudden migraine, needles were being pushed into his right eye. Sometimes they just struck him like a bullet to the brain, making him forget about any other pain he has ever had. This time the warning sent him reeling out of the lands of dreams, and off the side of the bed. His right hand up over his red eye, as soon as he was able to discern which way was up. The vision, while he was experiencing it, always made him feel almost light, the pain would drift away as if he was for the moment out of his own skin.
Standing he looked around still having his right eye covered, he was in his room alone. Then his right hand moved away, and the world suddenly had the vision overlapping the reality around him.
There was a bed, it seemed to overlap not to far from his own, and on it was Lucerna. Though many of her features seemed different, her hair was nothing but fuzz at only an ilm long. There was bandages, but he had come to expect there will always be bandages.
“So this is the past…” He mumbled to himself, it helped him remember the visions, details that would fade otherwise.
The vision though had more the Lucerna, something that had never happened before. Ash normally would only see shadows or distortions of people he never had meet. He stood and looked at them, taking in as many details as he could, knowing the vision could end at any moment. First was the Roegadyn, a massive man with sea green skin and black hair. Second was a Lalafell, with short sun kissed hair. Last was a Miqo’te seeker with sandy hair.
"Pity she's struck dumb. We could use that ferocity she showed on our front line. Though I figure since we've at least got finder's rights, I can smack some paint and a wig on her and get some gil from a few of my contacts who like them stupid." The Seawolf’s words made Ash’s ears go back in to his hair and tail flick in anger.
The Lalafell’s words however at least lowered the dread he was feeling in his chest. "We don't know what she's been through. Give her some time before you throw her to the highest bidder.” The woman nudges the leg of the Miqo’te. ”M'yrr, you try her.”
The sandy Miqo’te seeker crossed the room with a scoff and waved his hand in front of Lucerna’s face. “Can you hear me?”
Lucerna nodded to the seeker, while Ash walked over. The dread in his gut was like a brick, he hoped he was not going to witness abuse. He never would get use to seeing people he knew die, the idea of seeing Lucerna abused made Ash uneasy.
"Huh. That's progress. You gonna come with us?"
Her features hardened as Lucerna tensed, "I-I can't. I'm rotten. I killed so many. I can't be redeemed. I need to- I need to die. That's the only way I can stop hurting people."
“So this is right after you got away from the Empire…” Again Ash spoke to himself as he normally would do during a vision.
"She's no use to us dead! Try harder!" The seawolf growls at his companion.
M’yrr clears his throat as he once again speaks. "Even if you think you should die, there's got to be something you want to live for. Do you have a wish?"
The newly liberated Lucerna started to shake her head, but then nodded. "One thing. But I can't make it happen."
"Sure ya can! You can do it with us, what's your wish?"
"With the- with the Imperials.. I let them into my head and then I did horrible things with them. I want to- I want to make sure that doesn't happen with anyone else. I want to save people if there are more trapped." There was a smile on her face as she spoke, and a feeling Ash was very familiar with.
The Seawolf claps his hands. "Then trust us! We're heroes, we'll guide you to make your wish come true. Just stay with us, and don't die. You'll live with us and we'll help you." He turned to the lalafell, speaking softly. "Habibi, get an adventuring contract drawn up. Grade E terms, I'll make sure she signs it after she gets a painkiller dose."
Ash’s gaze was on the manipulative Roegadyn in a instant, a growl in his chest. “You are a savage, you would be lucky if we never meet.”
The Seekers words spoke next with a wolfish tone, "Good. I know we'll help you grant lots of wishes. You just focus on getting better, and don't let yourself die or leave us until that wish is granted." Ash could feel his fists ball up, helpless to do anything.
“It is the past, nothing to d…” He started to reminded himself just as the pain of the vision ending struck him, and he fell to his knees. His right hand going over his red eye trying to stop the pain he was feeling with no avail. His head feeling like it was splitting in two, and his stomach turning threatening to evict whatever it had on hand. This was a secret he held for years from the Empire, he would not cry out just suffer as he always had quietly.
Crawling to the shelf by the bed he pulled the eye patch off it and slipped it on over his right eye. Even in the dark of his room it was to bright and too painful, without it. Then he just laid on the floor where he was, trying to hold on to what he could remember from the vision. The cold metal of the eye patch brought some relief, but not enough to consider standing any time soon.
“Sorry Lady Lucerna…” He spoke quietly to the empty room. The guilt of intruding on Lucerna’s past, and a history she may never wanted to speak on. It was not really like he had a choice, but the guilt found him anyway.
"Soooo, now that you're own that truth serum uhhh, wanna take a ride on my new bike and grab a few drinks, see where the night goes?" (Savy's letting everyone know she finally got her motorcycle lol)
“Of course! I would definitely enjoy getting some coffee or tea with an old friend!”
