dear @judysdiary asked me about my desk setup a while ago. even though i’m late, i thought i’d share it like this :] once again sorry for replying this late and thank you lots for such an interesting question!<33 if you’re curious about something, you can ask me anytime!!
cw: extremely personal, mentions of social anxiety, sadness, grief, regret and worries, death, fires, world politics, murder, me just rambling.
i have been failing.
there is no other easy or sweet way to say it; i have been failing.
it’s been around five years since i started posting here as a studyblr, and it was going so well. i shared my studies, my achievements, my journeys with you; all the nice sides of my life. i think it is only fair that i also share my failures. because we are so used to seeing people only succeed that we think failure is impossible and won’t knock on our doors —at least that was what i thought.
right after i graduated with high honors in july 2023, i got a job at a gas station as a cashier because my family needed financial support due to health reasons. i was kind of ashamed to come online and say that because not a week even passed after i was celebrating my degree that i worked so hard for, and while my friends were pursuing their further academic careers or working as teachers, i had to cling to that job. i thought i was already falling behind. after working there, i finally resigned after 5 months and started working as an english teacher at a private language school in december 2023, and until may 2025, i was happily teaching there. i had to quit in may because i hadn’t been paid for two months, and now, i still haven’t received my salary of two months and i have to sue and deal with the legal part.
i’ve been unemployed for almost three months, and during these months, i applied for a few jobs. i had an interview with one and i didn’t like the environment, so i didn’t pursue it. i had been thinking about finally applying for a master’s degree program and i did, however, two days ago, i was rejected. so no job, no master’s, nothing. it’s annoying and it’s tearing me apart because i was used to flying high. i studied hard and got into my dream university, and despite those five months, i worked as a teacher as i had always wanted and had lovely students. but for the past months, i have nothing. i live with my family and it simply annoys me to ask them for money if i want to go out or buy something. everyone around me says it’ll be okay and it is okay but i can’t help but feel that it is not. it feels like things for me will never work out.
i feel hopeless and cornered and the current situation in turkey and in the world doesn’t really help it. currently, many cities in my country are burning, there are huge, impossible to stop forest fires and the government doesn’t do anything to help. people’s houses and animals burn, they are legalizing killing street animals and destroying farm lands and so many children, animals and women are being killed. whenever i open a social media app, i just see destruction. the world politics are also horrible and terrifying. everything feels hopeless and kind of useless. like no matter what i do, it will have no impact, so there is no need to try.
i can’t control what’s happening around the world, i know. or i can’t change the system in my country on my own, i also know. but besides these, what also annoys me is the things that are my fault. i can’t help but feel an endless anger towards myself.
i e-mailed a professor whose classes i really enjoyed when i was in germany as an erasmus exchange student to ask for a letter of recommendation. she said she couldn’t because she barely remembered me and i just can’t stop thinking about it. i’ve had social anxiety for so long, and it was worse when i was in germany too because i felt too alien, but her classes were something i, from my perspective, really enjoyed. i remember trying so hard to come up with great assignments and try my best during my presentations. i was too shy, barely spoke unless i had to, but with the assignments, i did try. that was the best i could do. and i still remember that class fondly, and i even mentioned it in my motivation letter that i sent to the university i was applying to, but receiving an e-mail saying i was barely remembered just crushed me. i was too silent, i knew, but that was me doing my best.
which leads me to think all the times i couldn’t speak in a class throughout my university years because i was too shy, because there was an invisible hand covering my mouth every time, i don’t know what it was. fear? embarrassment? it felt like if i spoke, the world would fall apart. but right now, i am much better, but i always look back because all of my hesitations, everything i couldn’t speak up about is shackled to me and prevents me from moving forward. i couldn’t build relationships with my professors because i was too afraid, i only had a few friends because i was judgmental and couldn’t let many people approach me, was also afraid to take the first step. i did graduate with a good gpa and a degree saying ‘’high honor student’’ but i failed to build connections, which is still a hinderance for me, an obstacle i can’t get rid of. i was just so lonely at the end of it that i feel like all of my achievements are nothing but fake.
there are so many things i want to do. there are many things i’ve accomplished, so, i think, why can’t i do more? if i try, if i start and take that first step, why can’t i? the old me dared. she studied so hard and got into the university many people didn’t believe she could get into, she travelled to and stayed in germany and saw other countries on her own. she dared. why can’t i? at the moment, i don’t know. it feels like i am trapped inside a jar and no matter how strongly i hit, i can’t break through it or i can’t reach the lid no matter how high i jump. i try not to think about it, but there’s always this fear that i am hopeless, will never reach or see my true potential, and i will waste my life. which sounds kind of ridiculous, right? i’ve just turned 25. i am young. but without realizing, i might be turning 35, 45, what will i be doing then? will i still carry the same regret when i look back? why didn’t i speak up? why didn’t i say something? why did i let fear control me? i don’t want to feel the same way i do know in the future.
i want to write and i want to improve it. i want to teach english and make people love learning english. i want to learn german better, i want to learn korean and a bit of chinese. i want to learn russian some day too. i want to have my master’s degree in literature. i want to know so many things. i want to know how to bake and cook better. i want to know how to grind my own coffee. i want to learn how to speak up. i want to know how to not bury things deep inside me and carry their weights. i want to know how to be a good person. i want my friends to call me when they feel stuck. i want to help all the animals and i want to pet all of them. i want to go to bed without carrying regret or guilt. i want to make my family proud. i want to stop thinking about failure. i want to live a soft life with love and warm coffee beside me. i just don’t know where to stop. i don’t know when this lump in my throat will go away. i don’t want sadness to eat me alive. i want to be a good person. a better human.
i’ve always shown you how amazing my life is, any many of you have asked me if i have any tips. the truth is, i don’t. yes, i have had a good life, i am incredibly lucky, and i am so grateful for everything i have. but i also want to show you that sometimes breaking down is inevitable. there’s more to life than what we see on social media. there’s more sadness, grief, regret and worries in real life. i experience them too. i am telling this because i feel like a fraud when i come here and post or reblog pretty pictures with a happy caption, like i am deceiving you and myself, and i don’t want that. life can suck and it is for me right now, so there is no need to try to make it seem like it doesn’t. it will stop sucking, this shall pass too. i will show you that side too when the time comes. there’s also warmth, happiness, hope and laughter in real life. the ones that do not come from extraordinary things but rather mundane things. when i find them again, i will bring them to you too.
right now, i am empty handed, and that is why i am writing this. a desperate attempt for relief from my part. but i hope if there’s anyone here who also feels the same as i do, they know that it’s okay. we have to let ourselves feel this too. happiness is always there, sometimes it can be just farther than we think. it is okay. let’s feel this pain so that we know its worth better when hope comes to pay a visit. thank you for reading this far. i hope nobody has ever felt in the same way, and i hope these bad feelings never find you. but if they have, know that you’re not alone. i think this is a part of being a human. i hope it is a part of being a human. again, thank you for reading. i hope to meet you in better times.
