i don’t know why tonight’s video made me so anxious? i mean i heard a girl (i think) and like... even though i like him i just feel...
like i’m going to be alone for the rest of my life. and i guess i’m in one of those days that i just feel really resentful of being asexual and maybe i’m not
or i really... hate myself for being ace and i’m just trying to fix myself or something and find someone. problem is that... i’m not attracted to anyone like that and it would be defeating the purpose
then i get into that mindset i need medication to fix this. or something. i just... feel unnatural and not?? right. i don’t feel like i’m an actual human being. i feel like i shouldn’t be this way.
and i constantly think “what if i do find someone? they’d just leave me anyway” and if someone tries to make advances i push them away because i don’t like them in that way or i don’t want to be hurt. maybe it’s both. i don’t fucking know anymore.
and the biggest thing of all is that while i think calvin is pretty damn cute i know he’s bad for me. and no one likes him anymore. and that’s okay but i feel alone on this. and by that i mean all the blogs i followed who were leafy blogs are now like... gone. or there but something else and i feel like everyone hates me because i still watch leafy even though he’s like... lame now i guess? but i’m not trying to make anyone stay. i just miss my friends i made on here.
but even calvin gets someone i can’t. and i’m in that mindset tonight that i need someone and i don’t want to be alone. that i want to be loved but i know that i might not be able to love them back in that way and i hate myself for it. i don’t know what i want.
and i’m still getting over my qpr falling apart because she’s with a “””real man””” and i told her how i felt and i still feel like she’s brushing off my feelings. but she’s the one that admitted she loved me. she’s the one who put this in my mind and i don’t want to lose it.
i don’t know. i’ll shut up now. all of this wasn’t planned and i literally typed out my thoughts. i’m sorry it’s so messy.
