#magdoll dev

[rl-cole]

capturing some intentions

[rl-cole]

process journal #1

now that I've started really recommitting to writing, and now that I'm starting to immerse myself in an actual book, I notice how easily my brain slips into long-term thinking and obsessing over the viability of a career, and all the paths that could take. I start fretting over my odds with the Big Five, or whether I have what it takes to self-publish, whether I have it in me to community build, whether I'm willing to give myself back to social media, even when I dont really like what it does to my brain to be tied to it.

and like, this is the same stuff that made me quit when I was a teenager. I got so super in my head about whether or not I had a chance at a career that it was almost impossible to actually connect with my art the way I used to. and i just got super discouraged

and i have DEFINITELY got ahead of myself. for about a week into the early drafting process i felt genuinely immersed and enthusiastic in a way i havent in years and years, and then i let my writing-content-consumption slip into the career stuff and started to fall out of my story and into my head.

so!!!! this is my formal reminder to myself to step back from thoughts of the Big Picture. this is a formal reminder to stay in the story and let it lead. this a formal reminder that this will be my first book whether or not it's ever seen by eyes beyond mine, and that makes it important and special and close to my heart.

this is a formal reminder that before i work myself all into a lather trying to solve the future i have to remember how to love my art and why i fell in love with it in the first place. that is what this book is about. that is what it's for. it's an exercise in remembering creative joy, rediscovering the process, building consistency, keeping my promises to myself just to prove that i can. small promises until i can trust them. small promises will add up to big ones if i allow myself compassion.