Tifa Gets Fat (Again)
Author’s note: I have to admit my main concern with this particular piece was people’s misconceptions and aptness to assume I’m breaking my code of objectivity in humor, to personally bitch about fat chicks, because I mean i do use some hilariously incessant phrasing. Well it’s ironically incessant so it’s not personal so SHUT THE F***K UP!!!!! BIT**H!!! So you see it as a personal disparagement it’s just your imagination and if this hurts your gay dumb little dumb gay baby feelings I don’t give a F***K!!!!!! F********T!!!!
Tifa Gets Fat (Again) -by Jerk Douglas
Tifa had gotten fat again. She wouldn't stop eating!!! She kept making excuses about how she was carbo loading for a marathon but everyone knew she was lying. The only marathon she was ever in was a marathon of eating too much food!!! Yuffie knocked on the door of Tifa's apartment. It took Tifa literally an hour to get her fat ass out of the chair to get the door. "Jesus! finally!" Yuffie said but she was drowned out by Tifa's loud gasping. "I just came by to borrow a cup of sugar" Yuffie said, but she saw that Tifa was emptying the last of a bag of sugar into her mouth right in front of her. "Sorry I'm all out" Tifa said deadpan as she started in on a bag of chips. "Tifa this is ridiculous." Yuffie started. "We used to be friends and now you're fat and we can't be. I just want to go back to how things were, where you weren't fat and we were still friends!" "Yeah well things change, Yuffie." Tifa said through a mouthful. "I didn't get on your case when you were throwing up all the time and lost all your hair." "That was cancer!" Yuffie yelled. "I almost died!!" "Yeah well i like to eat food." Tifa said, "now I'm hungry again, go away." "What about your devoted husband, Sephiroth? Huh? What about him? He's a prominent figure in the church, and always makes time for your children that you had together named Sifa and Tephiroth! He's a good man and you're going to lose him if you don't take care of yourself! Tifa!!!" Tifa grew indignant. "If he can't handle me at my worst then he doesn't deserve me at my best!" Yuffie was defeated by Tifa's perfect argument. "Okay you're right nevermind." Sephiroth came home from his two month long shift at the sock factory, "how is my beautiful wife... what?! When did you get fat again!" Sephiroth apparently missed the entire development. "If you can't handle me at my worst..." Tifa started. "I'm divorcing you and marrying the next girl i see, okay that's Yuffie i guess." "Oh my, is love in the cards for the Yuffster?" "Wait... is that a single hair I see out of place???" Sephiroth examined Yuffie with a magnifying glass. "Nevermind I'm divorcing you too, time to be a bachelor again!" He was instantly in his boxer shorts with a four-o’clock shadow, he then sat down and started watching football and farting alot. Tifa was sad "how did it come to this??" "You got fat" the narrator informed her. "Oh." Said Tifa. "Well I'm tired of being fat, I'm going to be healthy and pretty again so all the boys will want me!" "How about you marry me?" said some random 4/10 guy who was also in the room for some reason. "Even if you're fat, I'll love you forever and ev-" Tifa shot him to death with her gun. "Man he was a total creeper wasn't he." Yuffie nodded vigorously, Aeris ran from her house three miles away to poke her head in and agree. "Yeah total creeper I saw him he was creepy, I was here I saw it." "Well Tifa," Yuffie said, "As a world class bodybuilder I can't recommend working out, as it is hard and boring. However...." ...And so Tifa got strung out on meth! It was an extremely effective weight loss tool! She cleaned her house, and within a few months she was beautiful again! Sephiroth was starting to get the hots for her again, and everyone could see he was about to propose to her.... He approached her tweaker nest that she made out of clothing scraps and duct tape... The ring was in his hand. His heart was sweating, and he was all a-tizzy. "Come out, Tifa! I have something to ask you!" Tifa crawled out of the nest and rotated her head upside down like an owl. "SCREEAWWW" she said, then she ate a bug off the ceiling. "Hey what's going on in this room" Cait Sith said, FINALLY making his appearance in this episode during his daily routine of walking through every room in the apartment, asking what's going on. Sephiroth yelled at him and he left. "Sheesh jeez" he said. Sephiroth's eyes returned to the glowing visage of Tifa "I don't really know how to tell you this... but you're not fat anymore and therefore I love you again!" "SCREEAAWWWWW" Tifa leapt down from her perch and started licking sephiroth's face, searching for vital salt and other trace minerals. "Oh Tifa this makes me so happy!" She was missing most of her teeth but he didn't care, she wasn't fat anymore and that's really the only requisite for a woman to be loved. And when the meth rotted her brain completely and she started eating her own poop, Sephiroth loved her even more, because eating poop is actually very slimming. He was so happy that Tifa wasn't fat that he dedicated his entire career as an artist to sing her praises. Writing, sonnets and quatrains, carving statues of her not being fat, etcetera. As the years went by, and they both grew old, they still held each other's hands a lot in public, and Sephiroth the bigtime manly man didn't even care if others saw it. Because Tifa wasn't fat. The End <3