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Time to Grow.
But the road ahead is bumpy and uneven. You may fall but that’s okay. You can always get up and try again. Endless possibilities every waking morning. But only if you try. And do your best. Grow little flower. It’s time to get better.
I should really start talking to a professional. But all my life my dad said therapy was just for crazy people and I should be grateful for not having a bad childhood. My childhood wasn’t bad but not also great. My parents fought a lot and have a very difficult relationship.
Both had respectfully troubled childhood themselves in their own right
Haven’t dealt with it properly (sweep everything under the rug generation)
Yelled and Screamed a lot
Settled / really wanted a baby but toxic relationship from both parties
Broke up before they found out she was pregnant with me (yes, he’s my dad.)
Got back together three months before I was born
Broke up for good when I was a little over a year old
hated that they had to ‘share me’ with my other parent
My father always yelling / walk on eggshells to not trigger an angry mood / ‘will this be the final straw and he hurts some one?’ - only once when I was 20, he grabbed my chin roughly and told me to shut up. Which ended with me crying and staying in my room for the rest of the night = away from him. So #nottobad
Emotional Manipulation Mother - ‘don’t you love me / you don’t care about me / I’ll die alone while your with your father’ and would make up lies against my father.
So yeah. Totally normal childhood.
I have moments, like most people, who relive those BAD moments that I have done/things I’ve said/actions I had. In the past, I would cry about it.
In the whole “im a horrible person and should just kill myself so nobody I love will have to deal with me anymore.” This has happened several times a day and several times a month. Lasting for a good 20 years.
But now, after actually talking about it and going back to those moments; I’m not that upset about it as much I used to be. Sometimes I do, obviously. But now I can look back and learn from those moments so I can behave better and catch myself before making the same mistake again.
Of course I don’t always catch it. And I hurt someone I love deeply or recognize that I wasn’t nice to them. I am still learning and growing.
It gets better. Please talk to someone (professional) about your problems. It really helps.
BUT, BUT! You have to want to do it. You have to want to get better.
I am an asshole.
I am a stupid, jealous, possessive, manipulative, violent, ditzy, naive, angry, uninformed, over sensitive/under sensitive, scared, selfish, self centred, controlling, spoiled brat, and piece of shit human being. I will probably add more but those are the only things I could think of right now.
But.... I can also be kind, generous, thoughtful, funny, and sweet.
The good doesn’t always outway the bad and the bad doesn’t always outway the good. Sometimes it does but it takes time and self-thought to deal with it.
That’s why I like having moments where I can have my “extreme” thoughts at the moment, never saying them out loud of course. And then after that is done, I take a step back and rethink about everything. Analyzing and correcting myself.
This post was originally going to be a ‘woe-is-me’ kind of thing. But after stepping back from that moment, and going over everything; I can be considered “good”.
Of course that doesn’t exclude any of the BAD. But it does give you a lesson and grow with it. And if a similar situation comes again, you have the ability to make sure you don’t make the same mistake again.
And I think that is wonderful.
Liar.
I’m lying to everyone. My friends. My loved ones. Professors. Myself.
I so badly want to grow and improve but the process is slow. It’s been at least three and a half years since I started getting better but it’s so easy to slip back into that old mindset and cruelty. I’m sorry. I really am. I really want to improve and trying hard to do so but....it’s a long process.
I’m lying about having to go back to school because I failed a class - I failed four but they can’t know that. They would look at me with pity and disappointment in their eyes. I hate to let them down again. Because I always let other people down. I’m an asshole with a cruel mind and toxic mouth. I beat myself up over countless moments in the past that I’ve acted stupid or mean or even childish. Those moments where I’m very cruel and say the wrong thing.
I have TB. I was born in a first world country and it’s rare for someone like me to contract TB - as told to me by my doctor. But I have it. It’s not contagious but I still have to be careful. I’m Im getting medication soon to eliminate it. I hope it works. I can’t tell anyone about it. No one knows but my doctor and professors....
....Its nice to let this out.
I know cutting my self won’t solve anything and will just make myself feel worse...but the urge is so strong.
I’m a failure.
Even when I am trying to make things better or going about it in the right direction, I have a set back and once again: i am a failure.
I am a toxic person.
And I might always be this toxic person but I am trying to change. It might take years and of course that doesn’t excuse anything toxic that I might have caused in the past. I will always be sorry about everything. I will constantly overthink those toxic moments and beat myself up over them. But I am trying to get better. Hopefully there is still hope for me. But the change has to come from me and me alone. It will have a lot of trial and error but I know I can overcome this.
