Burned with You
A. Mark knows Taeyong is a poison. Could kill him anytime and Mark can choose whether he wants to die fast or slow, whether he wants to feel the pain first or later. Mark knows Taeyong could burn him. He's hot, dangerous, and tempting. Mark already realized that since the beginning. But Mark can't resist his warmth. Whenever they touch, Mark loves the burning sensation. Just like today. Taeyong pulled Mark's collar with an angry face; almost punched him if Jaehyun didn't stop him. But Mark couldn't even see the anger in Taeyong's eyes. The only thing Mark felt was joy and happiness. Finally, after a long wait he could feel Taeyong's warmth once again. Mark is only able to feel that warmth when Taeyong's angry. Ready to beat him to death while Mark's heart starting to create butterflies. As much as he hates it, Mark knows Taeyong won't ever touch him if he doesn’t have intention to kill. He will never know how it feels to be touched gently just like how Taeyong treats Jaehyun. Mark knows and he hates it more than anyone could even imagine. That's why Mark needs to create a mess to piss Taeyong so he’ll look at him in the eyes, even only for a second.
B. Today Jaehyun holds a party. Mark decides to come because Jaehyun keeps pushing him, and because that stupid reason, he wants to see Taeyong. He's so anxious about what he should wear today. He could just pull his usual outfits, jeans t-shirt and hoodie, like nobody would care. But just by thinking the chance he will meet Taeyong makes hoodie and jeans look like an awful choice. Although Mark knows for sure that tonight Taeyong's eyes will only glued to Jaehyun. Just like always. But that doesn't make Mark stop feeling so anxious. He finally decides to wear t-shirt, ripped skinny jeans, and use leather jacket as the outer. The kind of outfits Taeyong usually wears when he meets Jaehyun. After an hour full of anxiety, Mark finally arrived at Jaehyun's house. The party seems has been starting few minutes ago. Mark grabs his red cup and decides to say hi to Johnny. Being with Johnny means he has to deal with the crowd of woman that will stay with Johnny all night long. But that kind situation is the best place to stalk Taeyong. Mark doesn't love party but that doesn't mean he hates it. Party is a place where he can stalk Taeyong without worrying about anything. Party will make him forget about reality. Also red cups are everywhere, his favorite. But sometimes party just turns into a boring event. Only leave him bitter the next morning.
Mark finally sees Taeyong, lingering his hands to Jaehyun's shoulder. He's friend with Jaehyun since a long time ago but giving up Taeyong to him isn't easy, never been easy. And he hates it so much. But he can't say that to Jaehyun. He doesn't want to give up on his friendship either. Because Mark knows that Taeyong would never love him and to give up his friendship for false hope and heartbreak isn’t an option. Every minutes feel so long. Mark can't stand Johnny's crowd anymore so he just sits in the corner; drinking more. Waiting until he’s finally drunk and passed out. But he sees Taeyong walks to him; definitely drunk. But his eyes are burning with lust. Or maybe that's just Mark's imagination because he isn’t sure if he hasn’t drunk yet now. And the next thing Mark knows is Taeyong placing his hand on mark's nape. Taeyong is just so close to Mark, he can see how red Taeyong’s lips are, how enchanting his face is. Taeyong's breath is so soothing. But his eyes just like what Mark saw before, burning. His hands are also burning. Mark can't even breathe properly right now. He can feel his blood running through his cheeks. He's also burning. Hotter than ever. Hotter than when Taeyong grabbed his collar. Because finally after a long time Taeyong doesn’t look at him with anger. Mark thinks they will finally kiss each other, fall, and do other thing. But Taeyong is too drunk to do that and Mark doesn't have the gut to do so. Until finally Taeyong is unconscious. Mark is just dumb. Of course Taeyong won't kiss him and even if he ever kisses him, that’s probably because he thinks that Mark is Jaehyun, nothing more. And Mark has to swallow that bitter reality.
C. Days past so slowly, and Mark still thinks about his almost kiss with Taeyong. He still remembers everything. How Taeyong's breath tickled his face, how Taeyong's mouth smells like cheap alcohol, how red Taeyong's lips are. Mark feels like he's going to be crazy if he keeps thinking about what happened that night. "Shit" Mark sighs, he can't do this anymore but he can't stop. How ridiculous. He grabs his jacket in rush before running through his apartment stairs. He needs Donghyuck right now, someone who could probably distract him from Taeyong. Donghyuck lives 4 blocks from Mark's apartment. Mark runs all the way to Donghyuck's, he just wants to block everything about Taeyong from his mind, because every single thing about Taeyong will only leave him with a broken heart. Mark arrived at Donghyuck's 15 minutes later; as usual Donghyuck is drinking his favorite coffee while watching some stupid show. When Mark entered the building he turns his head to Mark, tries to look uninterested.
"What's up Mark? Why the fuck you're sweating so badly? Dude?" Mark can tell how worried Donghyuck is right now. He always shows that expression whenever Mark is at his awful stage.
"I'm fine. I just need to drink." Mark walks to Donghyuck’s kitchen to grab a drink, too early for a beer but who cares.
"Taeyong, huh?"
"Maybe." Mark just shrugs; he doesn’t want to discuss about it right now.
"Isn't it too early for beer?" Mark thought nobody cares, but apparently Donghyuck does.
"Well, nothing is too early when my heart hurts, Donghyuck." Mark answers sarcastically.
"Right."
The silence takes over for a few second. But not until Mark comes closer to Donghyuck, leaning a kiss that turns wilder after Donghyuck reacts to it. They finally pull apart after running out of breath.
"What does it feel like to kiss someone you love?" Mark asks while thinking about how alluring Taeyong lips are.
"Great, of course. Feels like paradise? Kind of that."
Mark knows Donghyuck falls for him since a long time ago. Sometimes he feels so awful for using Donghyuck. But he doesn't know how to stop; he wants to love Donghyuck as much as Donghyuck wants to be with him. But when he thinks about Taeyong everything else just seems so blurry, even Donghyuck's gentle touch doesn't even enough to compare with Taeyong's rough touch. He feels nothing with Donghyuck only pleasure that only last for a minute after that he only feels emptiness that keeps trying to kill him.
"Mark?"
"What?"
"Please stop messing around with Taeyong." Donghyuck’s voice is just bland. Almost sounds like someone who’s begging. Mark never heard that tone comes from Donghyuck before. The Donghyuck he sees now is different.
"You know I can't" There’s sorrow in his words, playfully floating in the air around Mark.
"I know. That's why I seriously want to just punch you for doing this to me but you know too that I can't." Donghyuck supposed to sound angry. But he doesn’t even raise his pitch.
"I’m sorry" Mark tries to reach Donghyuck hand, slipping his fingers through. Hoping that could make Donghyuck feels better. But that is just not enough.
"Yeah whatever, Taeyong always makes you either soft or hard, nothing in between, if you know what I mean."
Donghyuck gets up to find some fresh air while Mark still sits in front of TV, too bitter to do anything, even react to Donghyuck's lame joke, that's not a joke, just a painful truth. In days like this Mark and Donghyuck will do what normal couples do when they're with their lovers. Except the conversation between Mark and Donghyuck will be harsh and full of angst, and except they're not a normal couple. They're just simply complicated.
"Mark, aren't you tired?" Donghyuck asks from across the room while blowing smoke from his mouth.
"Of what? Chasing Taeyong?"
"Yeah"
"I am, but it's hard to stop even if I’m tired as hell."
"I think you should just confess to him."
"It's hard dumbass, what about Jaehyun? Things will never be the same again."
"Well that's the point. You should change something; maybe just maybe Taeyong will love you back. And even if he won’t, you know where I am."
Donghyuck knows he's just being egoist. Mark knows that too. He wants to stop Mark from chasing Taeyong. He wants Mark to be his, even if Mark's heart is not, even if that hurts Mark. He doesn't want to, but everything becomes so unbearable. He can't bear seeing Mark’s sad face when he talks about Taeyong. Donghyuck wants to end Mark’s pain by giving him this last wound, but will that wound finally heal without leaving an ugly scar to Mark's heart? He doesn't know.
D. After what happens in Donghyuck's apartment, Mark finally decides he has to confess. He knows he's just dumb as fuck to follow what Donghyuck said. But he doesn't want to suffer again and again. Maybe after Taeyong rejected him, he finally could move on, try to love Donghyuck. Of course, Mark knows how thing won't work out that smooth. Taeyong's rejection could make him suffer for a long period, it could break his friendship with Jaehyun, and it will definitely leave an awful scar. Thinking about that makes Mark's stomach hurts. He never felt this anxious before, not even close to when his teacher found out that he was smoking cigarette at school. His footsteps become so heavy, he seriously thinks about dropping his plan now. But everything is too late. Mark can see Taeyong's perfect figure, standing in front of his apartment door. Mark freezes for a second. He takes a deep breath before shouting the black-haired-boy's name. Taeyong turns to Mark. Their gazes meet each other. Mark's brown eyes meet Taeyong's burning gaze.
"I wanna say something to you."
"What?" Taeyong still sounds as annoyed as usual.
"I think I'm.." Mark hisses a curse. He's good at writing lyrics but he can't even arrange appropriate sentences to confess his feeling.
"What Mark? I know I'm being too kind than I'm supposed to but are you okay?"
Mark wants to scream that he's not okay, that he's struggling right now, that he wants Taeyong to love him but he can't. He just answers Taeyong's question with a small I'm fine. Taeyong just shrugs in answer. He's about to leave when Mark finally can find his voice.
"Wait... I think I'm in love with you” Mark waits Taeyong’s reaction before continuing but Taeyong doesn’t react. That’s when he realized that he’s just dumb to even do this at the first place.
“I'm sorry I shouldn't even say this."
Mark is really screwed. He just leaves without looking at Taeyong again, but before he could turn around he feels Taeyong's warm hand holds his left hand.
"Shit Mark Lee, you really have a crush on me? The Taeyong who you always mock? The Taeyong who almost punched you to death because you called him a worthless piece of shit? Whoa, amazing."
Mark wants to laugh, but he can't. For a minute he thought that Taeyong probably would accept his feeling. But then the way Taeyong speaks really hits him hard, drag him back to the fact that this is not some kind of romance novel.
"But you know I kinda find you're hot that night when I almost kissed you. Let's date then."
Mark can't believe what Taeyong just said. He keeps reminding himself that this is just some kind hallucination his head tries to create.
"What about Jaehyun?"
"I broke up with him 3 days ago." Yeah, he can tell that from how dark Taeyong's eye bags now, he probably hasn't slept much since the last 3 days.
"So it's fine if we're together now?" Dumb question. Of course it's not. Taeyong probably will only use him to substitute Jaehyun. He knows he's down into Taeyong's sweet trap again but everything's just too amazing he can't let it go no matter how fucked up it sounds.
E. Dating Taeyong still seems like a dream mixes with nightmare. Every touch seems so blurry yet exciting. And Mark falls too deep, he won't able to escape. He's already Taeyong's prey since the first time Mark looked at his eyes and fell in love, but now the different is he's already caged. Mark wouldn't mind everything of course. Because now Taeyong's gentle touch is his, not Jaehyun's anymore. He finally can answer his own question, how does it feel to kiss the one you love? He knows what kind of paradise Donghyuck refers to. He's really sinking now when Taeyong's lips touch his own. He can feel his lungs working so hard when Taeyong grabs his nape, just like that night, but gently. Taeyong’s breath still smells like cheap alcohol but mixed with mints. Mark realized now that Taeyong's kiss is an addiction. He won’t able to stop, and he doesn't want to. Just like an addict, he keeps wanting for more. Both of them are finally parted, gasping from the lack of oxygen. Mark leans on Taeyong's bed room, still in hangover after kissing Taeyong. While Taeyong lights his cigarette.
"Why do you even agree to date me Mark, you know I'm not even in love with you." Those words sting and simply break Mark's heart.
"That is a dumb question. You already know the answer, why do you bother to ask?"
"Just wanna break the silence."
"Yeah you definitely just broke the silence and my heart Lee Taeyong."
"Stop exaggerating. I've broken your heart thousand times if you count yet you're still here."
"I can't argue with that."
Conversation like that happens a lot. Mark wants to avoid it because he doesn't want to feel the hurt but Taeyong keeps bringing that up every time. Maybe he just doesn't know what to talk about when his head full of Jaehyun; Mark thinks.
"You're still in love with Jaehyun, right?" Taeyong nods.
"Then why you even bother to date me?" Mark knows the answer better than anyone. Just like what he does to Donghyuck, he just wants to give up his feeling; he wants to stop yearning over someone who doesn't even care about him, though he knows that won't work out. He still tries just like what Taeyong does to him.
"Just trying to do something other than mourning about my break. And maybe giving you false hope, you want since forever." Mark laughs, but the feeling is just so bitter.
“I think I should leave now. See you tomorrow."
Mark wishes he could just deal with heartbreak. He feels that so many times yet the next heartbreak still feels as painful as the one before it. Just like today, he knows Taeyong will break his heart again even after everything seems fine, but Mark is too in love to even back off right now. Taeyong will burn him, and he's still not going to run.
F. Heartbreak will always lead him to Donghyuck's apartment. He just can't stand being alone when his thought is ready to consume him. He knows Donghyuck will be mad after he heard his sad-romance novel-worthy story about Taeyong, but who’s going to listen to it except Donghyuck. Mark can tell how bored Donghyuck is when he starts to talk. But after all he has to spill everything before he lost his shit. Donghyuck just stays quiet but doesn't last long after Mark said he knows Taeyong's just using him.
"Shit Mark, I know you've been using me for months but you shouldn't have done that. That's ironic. I mean you don’t need to feel what is like to be like me.” Another joke Donghyuck tries to crack. But that was an ironic one.
"You know for shit, I don’t do it because of that reason, Lee Donghyuck. And I thought we shared the same feelings." Again another irony, yeah the might share feelings, of how Donghyuck also feels one sided love, Mark feels. Or how Donghyuck knows exactly what it feels like to be used, just for relief and pleasure. Same as Mark.
"Yeah, whatever. You shouldn't even be here. I'm sick of everything seriously, I thought after you confessed everything will become much better, and I'm wrong. I'm deeply sorry that I have to drag you to confess and face your heartbreak but you know I can't do this anymore. Months are enough for me to swallow all the bitter feeling. I want to move on. So please just don't come here again, or I won't stop hurting myself."
Mark knows eventually he’s going to face this situation, where Donghyuck can’t stand him anymore. Donghyuck is always a though boy, someone who dares to drink a bottle of vodka if you challenge him to, just to maintain his pride. But the Donghyuck, Mark sees now is just as fragile as him. Waiting for someone to comfort him, Mark can't do that. Enough of everything, he shouldn't hurt Donghyuck again by giving him a hug and comforting words. So he just walks away, tries to mutter a sorry that Donghyuck won't listen.
G. Donghyuck leaves him, eventually, but he still stays with Taeyong. His feeling already took over his sanity. Or maybe he's just too high right now. He spends days listening to Taeyong's rants, but he just never tired of it. Though sometimes stories about Jaehyun could easily triggers him. Taeyong is barely sober. Both of them are just drunk. Mark's drunk because of love where Taeyong's drunk because of his cheap alcohol.
"Mark, I'm tired." Mark stares Taeyong blankly, he wants to read Taeyong but Taeyong is a closed book that he barely can open.
"Tired of what?" Mark asks. The only way to understand Taeyong is to ask question.
"Loving Jaehyun, wanting him to comeback, mourning memories I can never change. He moved on while I'm barely even forgetting small thing about him."
At this moment, Taeyong doesn't need to put everything into words; because Mark can understand pain easily. He can sympathize to what Taeyong feels right now without faking it, just like what others do.
"I know. I'm tired too."
"Of what? Me?" This time the black haired guy is the one who asks question. Mark shakes his head before answering.
"Wishing you could love me the way you do to Jaehyun. Yearning for someone to love me when he’s in love with another boy, which is my former best friend. Crying because my heart aches every time you talk about Jaehyun. I'm tired of that but not you."
"I guess we're both fucked up in different ways." Taeyong's voice is so soft, Mark almost drowns. But he can only laugh, bitterly. Again for so many times he lost count.
"By the way Jaehyun is not your former best friend, he's still your best friend. He won't hate you just because you're dating me; he's just too kind to even hate a person, especially you." Taeyong tries to fake a smile. Too bitter to actually comfort someone. But he tries it anyway. Maybe alcohol already did something to his head, Mark thinks.
"You must know a lot about Jaehyun until you can say something like that so confidently."
"I knew a lot about him. Past tense. I barely know him, now. But now I know you." Mark freezes for a moment. At time like this he turns into a soft person who will grab sweetness that comes from Taeyong's mouth.
"You've known me since a long time ago, what's new now?" Mark means that sarcastically, but his words melt into a weak tone.
"At least I know how sincere your feelings are; maybe we could try to know each other more. Maybe time will finally heal my wound so you can leave a new one."
Words can be so powerful. It could drag Mark, and leave him with bruises, but he doesn't care what Taeyong just said is rare. He won't get any other chance.
"I won't dare to do that, even if I want to revenge everything you did to me."
"I know." Taeyong smiles before leaning a kiss. This time his touch seems less blurry. Even if Taeyong's tastes like cheap alcohol right now, Mark doesn't care. He's stop caring long time ago. Now he just wants to be with Taeyong. Nothing else matter.
Last. Mark found Taeyong in the middle of wildfire, desperately get out from that. But Mark knows Taeyong itself is a fire; trying to burn every single piece of him, while the fire burns him too. Both are hurt, badly. In one way or another they're ready to give up, let the fire burn them. But that burning sensation finally turns into warm they've been seeking ever since. Even if that warm only stays for a while, they don't mind it. They'll try to heal; they'll try to stay, because they believe someday they'll find happiness, for real.