Growing into My Masculinity
Being gender fluid is strange. Ive gotten so good at being a girl, I fear ive been neglecting learning masculinity, what it looks like for me. I get so scared I'm doing it wrong, that im not big enough, scary enough, aloof enough. I look to other men to check my mask, make sure its on right. Something I long since outgrew as a woman.
But the more I look at it from an outside perspective, the more I remind myself of my Dad.
I go to holliday dinners as an adult, and I can begin see the man who his behind his role in my father. He was never a good fit among his brothers, his own father, and their toxic masculinity... he was my Uncle Iroh, and my Mr. Rodgers. I used to find myself jealous when people compare my dad and my brother, feel like i couldn't compare becauseof my attachments to my femininity. But the more I age, I see more and more of his face in mine as well. I see the worry lines in between my eyebrows, the smile lines in my eyes, the crooks in my fingers, the way he echos in my laugh. More than that, I see it more of his ideals as I step into my own masculinity. The protection, the mischief, the resilience and urge to provide.
How lucky am I that I am beginning to look just like the man I always wanted to be more like? How wonderful he gets to meet the man he never knew he was raising in his little girl, and get the chance to love him too?
Masculinity is strange. But im loving finally getting around to exploring mine.