(Not my gif)(Requested by @rqmancer)
(Most of the meeting portion of this is dialogue so sorry if that’s annoying, It just feels more fitting with how he was in the movie.)
- You …are a little creep: you’re a little weirdo! You’re just a strange little guy …and that’s what Max likes about you. He likes that you’re vaguely off-putting, he likes that you’ve got a bit of a morbid side, he likes that; in the grand scheme of things, you’re a bit of a freak. But you wouldn’t know that, considering the fact that the two of you have never actually spoken....
- You and Max have gone to the same school for about four years now and in that four years, the most that you’ve seen of each other are impersonal glances in the hallway or random rumors that get spread around school. In your eyes, that’s all there’s ever been between you and that’s all there ever would be, but Max; unbeknownst to you, didn’t completely agree.
- Too busy with considering him to be out of your league and trying not to get pushed into a locker, you’d never noticed the way his eyes locked on you a couple times too often to be a coincidence. And too busy keeping homicidal tendencies at bay and training for the next big football game, Max had never actually made a move.
- At first, his interest in you was brought on by witnessing a group of girls shoving you around the school hallway; the same group of girls who typically went out of their way to pick on you: and we all know how he feels about bullying. But once he’d noticed and paid closer attention to you, his interest morphed into one of genuine attraction. And once he saw you clutching a book about true crime and/or witchcraft, it was game over: you had him kicking his feet like a little girl.
- The funny thing about Max is that; even though he looks like he belongs on the cover of a men's health magazine, he has a surprisingly unconventional taste in women. Sure, he thinks “normal” girls are hot and would happily date them but his actual type isn’t nearly as stereotypical. A lot of the time, he actually prefers women who are “flawed” in some way: girls who don’t have perfect body types, who wear weird clothes, who have some sort of “unappealing” facial feature, etc. He shy’s away from perfection as much as he can.
- But, regardless of all that, you and Max technically met for the first time the night he tried to kill you.
- I know, I know, that one sort of came out of left field, didn’t it? But it’s the truth and I doubt it’s completely unexpected; given the whole murderous plot of the movie and all.
- So yeah, yada, yada, yada, the devil gang breaks in to your house and tries to use your blood as a sacrifice for their satanic ritual, things go haywire, you kill a few of them and before you know it, you’re left with just the star quarterback on your panicked tail, wondering why the fuck he’s cheering you on like you’re about to score a home run for your schools varsity sports team.
- It seems as though no matter how hard you run or hide, he’s always one step ahead of you, ambushing you in your hiding spot or suddenly appearing in front of you, forcing you to swerve away or fall on your ass in an attempt to evade him. These small instances of interaction make way for conversation, conversation you could probably do without since it only serves to make you even more anxious than you already were.
“You know, I didn’t believe Bee when she first told us that you still had your cherry. I mean you’re hot,” he tells you as you’re trying to survey the area for escape. You give him an unconvinced look and he continues. “No, I mean it. You are. I’d fuck you.”
“Thanks.” You say somewhat sarcastically, hinting at the fact that you want this conversation to be over.
“So what was it?” He asks. “I mean, just not interested, saving it for the right person, just never at a point of convenience for it to happen? I lost mine in the seventh grade so, ya know, can’t really relate anymore.”
“That’s pretty young.” You say, tone bordering on concern; the statement enough to momentarily shock you into normality.
“What can I say: I’ve always been a stud.” He announces proudly and you look at him vaguely disturbed.
“I don't really think that that's….” You purposefully don’t finish your sentence.
- Finally, the final confrontation occurs: he knocks you around a bit, gives you some praise and advice on your escape techniques before reassuring you that your death is gonna be honorable, giving you enough time to pull out the knife that you’ve got on your person and slash him across his; for some reason, bare chest. He grits his teeth, doubling over, and you take off running once again, this time managing to escape as the police pull up onto your street and catch you as you nearly collapse in the middle of the road.
- It’s all over, you think, panting to yourself. …Except they can’t find your freshly injured “friend”, leaving you living in a constant state of fear for months on end, expecting him to come back and finish the job.
- Months later, your parents are out for the night, leaving you home alone and getting ready for bed. But, just as you’re about to crawl into said bed, you hear a noise downstairs and quickly grab the baseball bat that you’ve kept in your room for this exact moment, creeping downstairs and picking up the phone; happy to look crazy instead of dealing with any more horror movie bullshit. But the lines are all disconnected and suddenly, you don’t feel so stupid for being paranoid.
“God, I’ve missed you. I mean you probably don’t believe that, cause ya know, I tried to kill you and all, but I do. You stabbed me and now I like you more, is that weird?” You whirl around and there he is, shirtless as ever and somehow in your previously empty house.
“Yeah, it’s pretty fucking weird. And yeah, I don’t think I believe you.” You say, nervously brandishing the bat as you alternate between staring him down and glancing around for a plausible escape.
“No, really. I mean, no harm done: I look super badass now.” He grins, gesturing to the harsh scar that nearly spans the length of his chest.
You don’t want to yet you can’t help but relent; if only just a little. “Yeah, alright, it looks pretty cool.”
“See. And that’s all thanks to you,” he replies. “So, how have you been?”
“How have I been? How the fuck do you think I’ve been? You tried to murder me. I’m pretty fucked up right now!” You shout incredulously.
“Well, in my defense, you weren’t exactly supposed to live long enough to face the long term effects of our actions,” he chuckles, hands outstretched like he’s expecting you to agree with him. When all that greets him is a glare, he clears his throat and moves on.
- He looks around as if he’s absentmindedly surveying your home and you’re on the verge of telling him to get on with it, cause this waiting shit is more anxiety inducing than the actual fight that’s undoubtedly about to occur. But then he says something so bold and so out of left field that you’re genuinely left flustered.
“So …are you still a virgin?”
“…Am I still a virgin,” you utter back incredulously. “What the fuck kind of question is that?”
“I’m curious,” he shrugs. “Didn’t get any brownie points at school for the whole ‘surviving a traumatic event thing’?”
“No,” you say in a tone that tells him this should already be obvious. “No, people weren’t lining up to break my hymen because I was picked to play sacrificial lamb. In fact, I think that might’ve chased off just about anyone who was even slightly interested in me before.”
“They still fucking with you?” He says, tone suddenly more serious than before and you’re forced to remember just how much he seemingly hates bullying.
“Not really. Turns out most people think it’s a little too messed up to bully a girl who was almost murdered. Either that or they think it’s best not to piss off the chick who killed four people in self defense.” You explain.
“See, don’t say I never did anything for you.” He jokes and you purposefully choose to ignore the comment.
“I’m sorry,” you finally interrupt. “Are you gonna try to kill me or what?”
“Am I still gonna kill you?” He repeats slowly, a bit tauntingly, his eyes glinting mischievously. “Hmmm …I’m still deciding.”
- And with that, he walks: walks closer and closer until he’s passing you by, ignoring the way you stumble away and clutch your bat tighter.
“Your rooms up here, right?” He calls over his shoulder and you stand there incredulously as your attempted murderer begins to casually peruse your home.
- Fast forward a few minutes and you’re standing in the doorway of your own bedroom, watching him as he toys around with the things on your dresser and seemingly purposefully ignores your presence, refusing to acknowledge how strange this entire situation is all the while staying completely silent. You stay equally silent, hands wringing against the weapon in your grasp, the weapon that’s been rendered useless by his arguably friendly behavior.
“You ever seen Once Bitten? Vampire movie with Jim Carrey? Yeah? No?” He tilts his head side to side, trying to pull any semblance of an answer from you as you remain completely silent. “Anyways I was like this close to reenacting the ending with you.”
- He pinches his fingers close together, leaving a tiny opening in between as he chuckles at his own clever reference. He looks at you and once he see’s that you aren’t laughing, he explains the joke.
“They had sex at the end, to save his life from the vampire milf. He was a virgin-”
“Yeah, I think I got it. Thank you.” You say quickly, head reeling from the arguably jarring confession.
“She was hot. I probably would’ve just let her have me.” He says, pausing before continuing, seemingly adding on his thoughts as they come. “You’re hotter though.”
“I doubt that's true.” You reply nervously, gulping as he turns and starts walking towards you.
“You’ve got weird taste.”
“Well I do kill people for sport.” He says matter of factly and yeah, that does makes sense.
“Are you gonna kill me?” You ask.
“Depends on what you think about me.” He replies and you remain silent for a long moment before deciding that you have nothing left to lose; opening your mouth and beginning to tell him exactly what you think of him.
“...I think you’re a cold blooded murderer who has a lot of fucking issues,” You say, stumbling back a bit as he advances on you. All he does is nod his head, urging you to continue. “And I think that you have shitty decision making skills, and that your friends were a bunch of assholes and that someone didn’t hold you enough as a child.”
“My parents were great.” He interrupts, though his tone doesn’t hold any malice. Which only makes you want to continue speaking, your mouth moving on autopilot as you word vomit without thinking; releasing all the pent up anxiety that's been coursing through you as you talk.
“I think that you could have really made something of yourself and that it’s a big fucking waste that you ended up throwing it all away just so you could get your rocks off for one measly little night,” He quirks a brow at that one, lips pulling up into an amused smirk.
“And I think that it’s really unfair of you to not wear a shirt because you’ve got the body of a god and the personality of a fucking geek.” Alright brain, veering off into territory you might not want to get into.
“Ouch.” He says quietly while you continue to speak.
“Which is so, so frustrating because none of your parts match. You’re like twelve different people all in one and it makes it so, so hard to hate you. The minute I think you’re irredeemable, you’re giving me some stupid, dazzling smile and you’re trying to help me and....”
“And?” He asks, his tone finally resembling an appropriate level of emotion; a justified yet still restrained level of impatience.
“…And I think that if you did what you were saying you wanted to do, I probably would have let you.” You pause, your tongue tying as you think really hard about what you’re about to say, knowing things will never be the same if you do.
“If I did what?” He says slowly, emphasizing the final word in the sentence.
“If you tried to Once Bitten me.” You respond, embarrassed by the arguably fucked up confession. And all he can do is look at you, grinning to himself as he thinks about just how cute you are right here in this moment.
“You’re gonna be the death of me.” He says, hands grasping your face and pulling you into a kiss, so sudden that his words can’t fully dawn on you, so sudden that you can’t even acknowledge the irony....
- Since I want to make this as accurate as possible, we’ll pretend as though the rest of this post either takes place before his death/murder attempt or in an alternate universe where he somehow got off scot-free and isn’t being chased by police.
- Max is continuously touching you; whether you technically want him to or not. He’s never been good at reading a room so you’ll have to brush him off yourself whenever you feel embarrassed by his somewhat overbearing and cutesy affection. Some people might assume he’s trying to show off but he’s genuinely just obsessed with you and loves having his hands on you.
- He usually wraps an arm around your shoulder, squeezing you into him/squeezing your arm whenever he’s putting emphasize on a certain word or asking you a teasing question. He’ll also hug you from behind whenever he can.
- He loves when you lean your head on his shoulder while sitting or standing next to him. He just thinks it’s really cute.
- As rough as he typically is himself, he gets flustered whenever you give him an abrupt and fiery kiss; sitting there and looking at you in a stunned yet happy silence as though you’ve somehow changed his life with your out of character act of affection. That being said, whenever he kisses you, he’s typically very peppy and passionate, connecting your lips excitedly like he’s waited all day to kiss you and not stopping until he’s satisfied.
- I hope you aren’t too shy about affection because Max is the type of guy to tongue you in the corner of a house party and be completely nonchalant about it; regardless of who came across you. You can rest assured knowing that if you were there during Cole’s night of horrors, he’d catch the two of you making out when Max was supposed to be chasing him and be traumatized even further.
- Max already uses a ton of pet/nicknames in general; imagine how bad it gets when you’re upset with him.... You’ll be called literally anything besides your real name: sweetie, babe, honey, sweetie pie, baby, darling, angel, sugar plum, etc, etc, et-fucking-cetera. You swear he’s got a notebook full of them.
- If you didn’t love him as much as you do, the sheer force with which he cuddles you would be somewhat annoying if not unnerving. Like RIP to you if you found out he was a serial killer after starting to date him cause you’ll be stuck as his little spoon, contemplating your escape while he wraps himself around you like a straight jacket; none the wiser to your mounting anxiety cause he conks the fuck out the minute he’s in your bed.
- Wearing his clothes; especially when you go over to his house. He sort of just automatically finds some for you to wear once you get to his bedroom, pulling you down onto his bed the minute you’re dressed so you can assume the position of living teddy bear.
- “Get in there, tiger” types of ass smacks; on top of the usual ones. Any excuse to touch your glorious behind.
- I’m sure it’s a borderline offensive term but It’s one pretty much everyone knows at this point so I’m just gonna say it: chubby chaser. Max gives off chubby chaser vibes and I refuse to believe otherwise. He would have a thing for girls who were on the bigger side and he’d be completely unapologetic about it.
- Being cat called in your own home. He always has a compliment or salacious comment for you.
- Constantly teasing each other.
- Random excursions: like going bowling or going to the arcade. He gets distracted easily so don’t be surprised if he’s oblivious to the things that are going on around you, looking back at you with a chipper “Oh! Did you see that!?” after a particularly good score, missing the fact that you’re uncomfortable or trying to tell him something.
- Him sneaking into your house or sneaking you out of it to hangout; especially if he’s on the run from the cops or something.
- Singing along to the radio. He’s a big fan of classic rock and other similar stations so it’s best to study up on your Aerosmith.
- Him randomly cooking you food and delivering it to wherever you are in the house. You’ll find out he used to work at a diner at some random point in your relationship and you’ll just be like “well, thanks for the perfectly cooked fries, I guess? Love you.”.
- Pop culture references and clever little comments. He’s always got something to say, even if it feels like it’s coming straight out of left field.
- Playing trivia games. He might act like a himbo but he isn’t stupid.
- He genuinely enjoys doing crazy, frat boy-esque activities and you’re sort of just forced to sit there like “I know you’ve survived worse and that I’ve literally stabbed you myself but I don’t think you can come back from a broken neck nearly as easily so maybe just cool it down there, babe.”.
- I will not lie to you: you will play tag …and he will get horny while doing it....
- Him “teaching you self defense” is really just an excuse to chase you down and wrestle you to the ground in full primal fashion. Every now and again, it’ll feel so real that your heart will begin to race and you’ll lock eyes with him, wondering if he’s actually going to kill you this time …all before he pants out something akin to “you want head”; completely serious in his offer.
- He’s a Pitbull boyfriend; as opposed to a golden retriever one, cause he’s an absolute love of a guy but the minute someone makes one wrong move, he’s tearing their face off and licking the blood off your hands while you help him hide the body. Consider him multipurpose: he’ll take you grocery shopping then kill someone who bothered you one too many times.
- Okay, but honestly? He would make a good babysitter. Stuck taking care of your little siblings or cousins? He’ll win them over in minutes and make your life a hell of a lot easier, convincing them not to tell their parents that he was there because “that would mean he couldn’t come over and see them again”. I have a feeling he’s an only child and/or just likes to hang out with little humans in general so he’d happily take over, giving you some much needed time to yourself.
- If you need someone to take the initiative in a situation, look no further. He’s always ready for any given outcome and adapts like a professional so you never have to worry about anything.
- If it wasn’t already obvious from the film: he’s your number one cheerleader. He’s always praising you and being by your side to uplift, coach and motivate you; regardless of what you’re doing. It’s seemingly just in his nature.
- He definitely starts off stories about his past or motivational speeches with “I wasn’t always the stud you see before you today.” and he’s being completely serious when he says it too.
- Going to his football games and watching him practice. He is the star quarterback, after all.
- Sorry to tell you this, but you’re gonna have to slap him. He’s exactly the type of person who needs someone to hit him in the face to “get his head in the game” and that job will usually fall on you. He’ll just keep insisting that you do it; then somewhat teasingly insisting that you do it harder, until you give him a hit strong enough to satisfy him.
- Hanging out with him at the gym, watching him train, getting used as weights, receiving snapchats of him shirtless and/or flexing, gym selfies, other typical chad/alpha male behavior. I’m sorry but your boyfriends a gym rat and there's nothing you can do to save him.
- It’s genuinely unfair how attractive he is because you’ll try to be sexy and purposefully praise his physique while feeling him up and then he’ll just ...one up you in sexiness: giving you a proud smile and a pleased hum while he flexes under your touch. I mean, at least you know your plan is working, right? However hard it may be to focus on now....
- Speaking of: him flexing at you is ridiculously commonplace in your relationship. Sometimes its purposeful, other times not so much: but does it even really matter?
- He’s typically a pretty confident person but he’d genuinely get kind of sad if you questioned why he was shirtless; as if that isn’t just the normal response to a person randomly not wearing a shirt in a shirt-wearing place. He’d question you as if you just insulted him like “Look at me. :( I’m hot. Don’t you think I’m hot? Don’t you like me shirtless? I thought you loved me.”.
- Babeee, what do you mean you don’t want to hold my dick while I pee? All the cool couples are doing it! Aren't you curious? If you had a dick, I’d hold your dick while you peed.
- Nothing makes him happier than an immature dick joke. He’ll stop being upset just to laugh at them so consider them your not so secret weapon whenever you need to have him in a good mood.
- Don’t be fooled by his outward appearance, on the inside he’s a malewife who knows how you take your coffee by heart.
- He’s the type of boyfriend who would always remember your birthday and anniversary and would try to make them as special as he could.
- Loves to crack your back; it’s borderline just an excuse to bear hug you from behind and lift you off your feet but you obviously still appreciate it. You rarely have to ask too, he’ll literally just offer to do it whenever it happens to come to mind.
- Him sending you random texts throughout the day like “Hey, wanna see this dead rat I found?”. He wouldn't even be upset if you said no, he’d just move onto the next topic of conversation as if it was a simple and normal question. At least he asks, right?
- Literally nothing grosses him out. Doesn't matter if its drool, sweat, puke, or blood: he’s always unphased and always sweet; only ever worried about whether or not you’re okay and not about the state of his shoes, shirt, or car.
- He has a tendency to assume that you’re on your period but in an earnest, he genuinely thinks that you are kind of way; usually in response to a multitude of different things. Like he’ll ask you if you’re on it after you snap at him one too many times but he’ll also ask about it if you’re extra tired or hungry too; and he’s usually right.
- And you honestly can’t even be annoyed at him because a) he’s right and b) he says it in such an innocent and confused sort of way that you immediately know that he’s not just trying to be a dick. He’ll ask and then sympathize with you, listening to you complain and asking if he can do anything; calling you his little ketchup packet.
- Movie dates are a big part of your relationship; even though you might wish that they weren’t. He always picks the goriest films he can find; oftentimes indie films that make you debate whether they’re genuine snuff films or not, and he watches them with a smile on his face, happily eating popcorn while your stomach churns. It’s like Netflix and chill except he’s put on the human centipede.
- He’ll see something on tv; some kind of creative kill, then take you supplies shopping with him like he’s some kind of murderous Mythbuster. He’ll probably push you around in the cart too if you ask nicely.
- Waiting in the car while he goes out for a kill. It’s easy to forget what he’s doing while you’re sitting around filing your nails and/or listening to the radio, but the reason you’re there gets harder to ignore when he returns to the car covered in blood or manages to lose his victim; prompting them to come across you and beg you to drive them away.
- Thankfully, you don’t have to stall them for very long before he’s running out of the woodwork and killing them in front of you, whooping and hollering while he motions for you to roll down the window so he can brag and rant about how good that was all while leaning in to kiss you through the opening.
- Showering together after a kill. He alternates between being sweet, trying to make a move, and excitedly recounting what happened during the moment of the crime like it’s one of his football teams winning games.
- It isn’t often that Max gets jealous: mainly because he’s aware of how attractive he is and because it’s sort of imperative that he trusts you for your relationship to work out; for obvious reasons. But every now and again, some interaction of yours will rub him the wrong way and he’ll wind up becoming envious: either acting taken aback and pouting whenever you allude to an attraction/interest in someone else or giving you the silent treatment until he finally decides to speak up and passive aggressively explain what’s wrong; usually after you’ve grown tired of asking.
- He’s protective but it isn’t nearly as bad as you’d probably assume it would be. He’s actually kind of a dick sometimes, finding it mildly amusing when you get hurt; in a minor way, or leaving you to handle things on your own whenever you’re in trouble. He insists that it’s to make you stronger and that he wants you to be able to look out for yourself when he’s not around: and the only reason you choose to believe him is because he’s always there whenever you really need him.
- Surprisingly enough, you’re actually a pretty normal and healthy couple; all things considered. You really don’t argue or fight all that often and whenever there’s a problem in your relationship, you sit down and discuss it or vent your frustrations and come up with a solution that makes both of you happy. Although, anytime you do end up bickering about something, you have a tendency to pull the “you tried to kill me card” and he honestly can’t even be mad.
- He despises the silent treatment even though it’s typically what he goes to whenever he’s mad. He’ll stay quiet and/or insist he’s fine until you stop asking; continuing to act all moody until he passive aggressively mentions what’s bothering him in a roundabout way. Whenever you do the same, he’ll mess around with you until you can’t help but laugh; even if you try to hide it, or get you flowers and/or a teddy bear which he usually makes apologize to you “for him”. Once everything is settled, you’ll give each other a big hug and you’ll go back to being a happy, arguably weird couple.
- I’m not even gonna lie: you probably told him that you loved him for the first time when his would be victim pulled a weapon on you and his response was to literally ignore the fact that you were both in mortal danger and go “aww, really?”, telling the person to shut up while trying to speak to you more about your feelings. He’d then proceed to kill them like it was the easiest thing in the world to do before asking if you really meant it and saying that he loved you too.
- Psychopathic and murderous tendencies aside, I think he’d be a very good husband and father, don’t you?
