#may192020

[tanaka-s]

DAILY MAY,19.2020 https://twitter.com/tanakasoushi/status/1262740395865149446

[howiwishthingsweredifferent]

being competitive sucks:

I don’t know why my ex still pops up in my dreams. A huge 98% of the time, it’s good ones that take me back to how things were when we were just friends, and it makes me remember how close we used to be. Just last night though, I had a dream that was incredibly out of the norm. He’s been in a new relationship for 2 years and I’ve been in a new relationship for 3 years. We haven’t seen or talked to each other since I walked out on us. Despite wishing for closure, I’m afraid he’s the immature one who believed he did no wrong during our whole 4 years together. Even through all of this, I still want to see the best in him.

Last night, I dreamt that he tweeted something like “Yes K***y was pregnant and I’m proud to announce I have a baby girl!” In the dream, I felt jealous and envious because having kids is something I’ve always wanted. In real life, I was pregnant with his baby at one point. When I asked him what WE should do, his reply was “You mean what are YOU gonna do? I don’t want to be a dad. Not right now.” Two weeks after that, I miscarried, and I believe it was associated with stress. His words don’t bug me anymore, but ever since he got with his new girlfriend, he openly talks about wanting kids with her That makes me slightly upset in real life because it’s like what about me? He had a chance to be a father, but didn’t want to take responsibility for it back then.

We knew each other for 9 years, and he and his new girl knew each other for 2 years. In my eyes, he was neglecting everything we built as friends and a couple. I didn’t understand why it was so easy for him to say no to me, but yes to someone he barely knew. To this day, that’s still something I have in the back of my mind. I have a very competitive nature in that subject. Recently, I experienced a miscarriage with my boyfriend, and I can’t help but keep trying 1) Because I don’t want to believe I’m one of the few women who can’t get pregnant. 2) Because I desperately feel the need to procreate before my ex does.

I know if I bring a baby into this world, I shouldn’t have to compare it to my ex, but I believe it’s one of those things that I’ll be truly satisfied with about my past. Having a baby before him will be my “fuck you” to him. Like “you didn’t want a kid with me, but look what I created with someone who actually wanted one with me!” Deep down, I know not to compare myself to anyone including my ex, but boy do I wish having kids was something that came naturally to my body. I definitely feel stressed knowing I’m struggling for something I’ve always wanted.