#mcfearlessness

[claremcfearless]

Because it's my birthday and shit.

[claremcfearless]

Music Tag

*You can tell a lot about someone by the music they listen to. Hit shuffle on your iPod/iPhone/iTunes/media player and write down the first 10 songs. Then pass this on to 10 people.

(Like my dear mystacism I won’t be tagging anyone else, because let’s face it, nobody really cares! And I’m doing this because shhhimintroverting tagged me! Also…since my laptop has died, all this music is just what’s on my phone.)

1. Imagine - A Perfect Circle 2. I Can Change - Brandon Flowers 3. Desire - The Gaslight Anthem 4. My Hair - The Maine 5. All I Really Wanted - Manchester Orchestra 6. Sick and Impatient - Citizen 7. Days are Numbered - Black Veil Brides 8. Monster - Imagine Dragons 9. The ‘59 Sound - The Gaslight Anthem 10. Crown of Thorns - Black Veil Brides

[claremcfearless]

Twenty-Six!

It's my birthday today! And I have mixed feelings about it! I remember when I was a kid and I could barely sleep because I was so excited about it, but the last few years I've been fairly nonchalant. Almost like I need to excite myself by doing something special to emphasize the fact to myself. Today I had a visit from my sister and her mini human, went to visit my wifey laurindamaae for Mother's Day, then I went on a leisurely Sunday drive and came home to my slippers and YouTube videos. Nothing too special, but all the love I received from my friends and family made up for the fact that I didn't do anything crazy! And now it's dinner and cake time. Wheeee!

[claremcfearless]

McFearlessness #916

I can't believe I'm having yet another one of those 'my god, my life is going nowhere and there's a good chance I'll never be happy' nights. A lovely combination of existential crisis, crippling loneliness and the all-too-familiar feeling of never being good enough for anyone.

I firmly believe that I've met that one person that you've believed all your life existed, but just needed to find. I've met him, laughed with him, told terrible jokes with him, had deep, meaningful conversations with him, created in jokes with him, and even poked him non-stop for five straight minutes before he politely told me, 'Clare, sweetheart...I'm loving the fact that you're desperate for my attention, but if you poke me one more time, I'll be forced to throw you over my shoulder and take you into another room.' 

He has a girlfriend. Someone I've known for a number of years, and that I've found to be morally repulsive. And I know what you're thinking...I don't like her because she's with the guy I have a thing for.  Oh, no. I disliked her the second she came jumping into my old theatre company and introduced herself and described herself as 'so random it's not funny'. And I'm not the only one who isn't her biggest fan...so the fact that she's with him just adds fuel to the 'my god, you're the worst' fire.

I'm happy for him. I am. I just find it frustrating when he flirts with me and talks about his girlfriend being more 'convenient' than anything else.  I just...I dunno. I just want him more than he apparently wants her.

And that's not all, oh no. I'm sick of seeing so many shitty people in my life being happier than I am. And I know that sounds selfish, but I think I'm allowed to be every now and then. Everyone has their shit in order. They have jobs, healthy relationships, kids...and all I have is a Kindle full of romance novels, a spotty internet connection, and an invisible-to-me sign around my neck that says 'please come to me with all your problems and secrets, I'd be happy to suck up all your stress like a sponge and keep it all inside me along with all my insecurities and bullshit.'

Some days I feel like I should go back on my medications. The days when I feel so tired, run down and so fucking sad I can only get out of bed for nicotine and food...but to be honest, I'd rather have those days when I can't stop crying and I feel like everything's a mess than be totally emotionally numb. Because that's what my antidepressants do. They do a fantastic job of eradicating the sadness, but it feels as if every other goddamn emotion I have becomes mute at the same time.  It pisses me off so much...when I'm not crying my eyes out for no particular reason. 

/end rant. If you've made it this far, thanks for listening. It won't happen again, I hope. 

I'm just over it.

[claremcfearless]

MOMENT OF GLORY #162

YOURS TRULY IS NOW A FULLY FUNCTIONING, NATIONALLY ACCREDITED LABORATORY TECHNICIAN. 

EXCUSE ME WHILE I RUN AROUND IN CIRCLES, SOBBING WITH RELIEF AND HAPPINESS.

NOW...WHO WANTS TO GIVE ME A JOB?

[claremcfearless]

McFearlessness #296

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately...mostly about how and why I'm not in one.

Warning: Incoming rant.

I've certainly had my share of dizzying highs and hell-piercing lows in my romantic life, and for the sake of those reading this, I won't get into all of them. We'll just say that I've either had moments where I felt giddy, looking up fancy diamond rings online, and other times when I felt the need to adopt a few hundred cats and just pack it in altogether.

I honestly don't mean for this post to be all "Wah-wah, poor Clare, she's single and hates her life because she doesn't have a man to look after her.' Not at all.

I've just been wondering...how other people's relationships and the like can just effortlessly fall into place, while I'm traipsing all alone through the Forever Alone kingdom, with a cannon ball strapped to my ankle. 

Also, I know what you're thinking...

"You just haven't met the right person, be patient!" This is true. I don't think I've met the right person. But that doesn't necessarily mean I'm gonna sit around and wait for him to fall into my life. I want to be as happy as possible as soon as possible. That's just how I feel, and to be honest, I feel like I deserve it at this weird, transitory stage in my miserable life.

"There's someone out there for you...you just need to go find him!" If someone could give him a map, that'd be swell. I don't have the time, patience or tolerance for heartbreak to just date my way through the pool until the right person just comes around. "Being single is awesome! You can do whatever the good goddamn you want!" Sure! I like not shaving my legs for a week, staying up all night on the internet, watching my favourite TV shows and movies over and over again, not having to dress up for anyone...but that shit gets real old real fast. I'm over sleeping alone (unless you count Daisy the Dog). "You don't need a fella to make you happy! Aren't your friends and family more important anyway?" My friends and family are ridiculously important. And I don't NEED a fella to make me happy. I WANT a guy around who I know can make me smile, laugh and blush. I haven't done enough of those three lately. 

So yeah, I know I'm probably sounding like one of those really irritating girls who complains endlessly about being single. I just feel like it's about time I wasn't the girl who always seems to be the one who doesn't have a cute, romantic story to tell at get-togethers, or has to explain over and over again to friends and family about why the guy I'm seeing at the time suddenly isn't around any more.  I want these phrases GONE from my vocabulary, and soon:

"It, uh...just didn't work out." "He wasn't really ready for a relationship." "Apparently we went too fast, and he freaked out." "He cheated on me. Again." "I got the 'I think we should just be friends' speech again. No big deal." "He said he loved me, but wasn't IN love with me."

"Yeah, we're still friends."

/rant.

[claremcfearless]

Eek.

So, as some of you know, I volunteer at a local Radio Station of a Sunday night. And a few things occurred to me tonight.

- We have an automated DJ that plays when our show finishes called 'The Phoenix Phantom'. It's never seen by us and tends to pick weird music. We make jokes about it being on a higher plane of existence and how it gets annoyed if we hang out at the studio past midnight. 

- Half the building the studio is in...completely locked. We don't know what the rest of the actual building is used for. Locked garage doors and everything. 

- We've started making jokes about descending into the depths of the break room to look for CDs to use for one of our segments, ie. 'Clare has decided to brave the CD cave...if she doesn't come back in half an hour we'll send out a search party', and 'LEWIS FOR GOD'S SAKE BE CAREFUL WHILE YOU'RE LOOKING FOR THE CDS.'

- I think I made a joke a while ago about the huge red curtain that hangs on the back wall of our studio only being there because it's hiding a portal to another universe.

ALL THIS TIME I'VE BEEN SPENDING TWO HOURS A WEEK HANGING OUT AT MY OWN PERSONAL NIGHT VALE COMMUNITY RADIO STATION. 

*runs away*

[claremcfearless]

McFearlessness #183

So I'm just having a stellar few weeks.

I'm fed up to the back teeth with my course...I almost want to quit. But then again, I don't want to let the people around me down, which includes myself. I finally found something I have a relentless passion for, but the stuff we're 'learning' is almost so irrelevant to me getting a job that I honestly don't see the point. I just want to get my Placement out of the way so I can get a fucking job and start paving my own way in life.  In addition to this, my relationships seem to be crashing and burning around me. I don't know what I did wrong, and I'm so fucking confused and hurt that I don't even know what the hell I can do to make it better. I'm worrying myself sick about those I care for, and there's nothing I can do. 

And if that weren't bad enough, my body's failing me again. I feel sick and tired all the time, and it's driving me insane. I just want a good nights' sleep, preferably without waking up a few times a night feeling breathless and nauseated. I just want everything to stop for a while and allow me to calm the fuck down.

Oh, and I have a family funeral tomorrow. 

Life can go blow me.

The end.