me and my head #1 - my first relationship
So I am dating this guy at the moment ... I kinda had a crush on him since 5th grade (that makes 7 and half years by now) and I dunno it’s just very weird. This started in november 2018, but it became more serious in december, so roughly three months. Our official status is kinda complicated, since we don’t act openly at school and only met four times in a dating situation ... he called it a relationship, and I am very happy about the fact that he takes this so seriously. I still sometimes doubt if you can already call it a relationship.
I am an INTJ with an anxiety disorder and depression. Maybe that is the reason it all feels so weird. I just constantly feel like an uninteresting person after our dates and I am not confident about the things I said. In comparison to him, I don’t really feel like I offer much input to our conversations and if I do it is mostly asking stuff or talking about very irrelevant stuff (objectively this can’t be true, since we sometimes talk about my anxiety and depression or his recovery from his addiction and that isn’t irrelevant, but it feels like it). He never gives me this feeling, he asks about my opinion and everything, but after a date I feel really self-conscious for the next day.
This new situation with him made me realize how bad my anxiety disorder influences my social behaviour. Before, I barely noticed, because I was very comfortable with my friends and was very used to them ... he throws me in this new situation where my anxiety acts up pretty bad. The good thing is, I can tell him all of this and he really tries his best to understands it and help me. But well, I don’t want to bother him after every date about how stupid and uninteresting I feel and acted.
For me that feeling of self-consciousness is very very very frustrating. Because I know somewhere inside me, that I am not boring. Yeah maybe I don’t talk so much since I am more of a listener, but that doesn’t bother him. And I know with more practice at talking to him, I will open up even more. Nonetheless I still I believe that I am a boring person and it influences my behaviour and it really makes me sad.
But I am determined. It will get better. And seriously the dates are worth that shitty feeling the next day. Because they make me really happy. And I am very thankful that he makes going out of my comfort zone such a pleasant experience (we went swimming yesterday and I was so worried about everything, but it turned out very nice, even though we kinda got lost for two hours on the highway (i am still worried that he might think that it was my fault event though he told me several times that it wasn’t and that it was actually quite funny))
So yeah ... I am not even sure why I posted this on here, but well. Maybe it helps somebody to know that they are not alone with their emotions. I always feel very reassured when I read somebody faces similar struggles and I am not the only one. The people you date or the people who are in a relationship with you don’t think you are uninteresting. Humans are different, some talk, some listen, some ask. Nothings wrong with that. The other person appreciates the way you are. No worries!