It doesn’t take long to shut TAP down. The place was designed to be pulled apart anyway, so it’s only a week or so before the last gold plated toilet is boxed up and shipped to a clueless eBay seller. The train- shining jewel of human ingenuity, unknowing venue of a million killing games, overall tacky piece of shit- is carefully dismantled and scrapped for parts, although the whereabouts of the actual time machine components is a secret known to Lindsay alone.
…Well, maybe not just Lindsay. One of the low-level employees saw Employee 001 grab a stack of notes and walk off muttering something about an “infinite wife timeloop”, but they didn’t give it that much thought.
Three days after the Hunt for Red- er, the Yoshioka Expr- er, the Hell Train to Fucksville rolls to its final stop, MEATCOPTER69 springs back to life on all social media. Sorry for the absence, meatlings, but guess what? That’s right- there’s a volcanic island in the middle of the Pacific and it’s about to host the grandest, stupidest influencer tournament ever. The Meatlympics are Manifesting.
Fourteen days after that, the entity known as “MEATCOPTER69”, or Lindsay Tsai, tragically- but, like, kind of awesomely- perishes in a massive explosion at the closing ceremony. It runs on the news for weeks. All of Lindsay’s social media accounts are set to ‘archived’. Long-suffering roommate Akihiko Yamada makes a mint selling most of Lindsay’s belongings to crazed fans. He’s fine with it, after all. “Lindsay Tsai” is dead, but someone else lives on.
(Somewhere, among the countless articles covering the Meatlympics Tragedy, a fascinating op/ed is published in the Taipei Times by one Emily Tsai which recounts the troubled past of her now-dead younger sibling. By the time it gets translated and spread among the English meatling fanbase, however, many of them have already made peace with the fact their idol probably wasn’t that great of a person.)
Over the next few weeks and months the anonymous backers of the Tsaimeline Alteration Project begin to reap their rewards. A copy of Citizen Kane with them in the background. A realistic prehistoric echidna fursuit. The full, 60-edition run of Sex Thanos. What looks to be, for all intents and purposes, THE original Red Octobers. How these things came to pass, who knows? Forgeries, perhaps? Or did someone shove the time machine into the back of a Honda Civic to get the job done? It doesn’t matter. Time rolls on, and the final threads are tied up.
So, at some point…
At some point there’s a nice little apartment in a place far removed from the hellhole of Los Angeles. There’s a careful assortment of plants on the balcony that aren’t too hard to care for. A collection of weird shit on the mantelpiece, juxtaposed with expensive furniture and two purebred pomeranians waddling about the living room. A scorched pan left to soak in the sink after a cooking attempt gone wrong; novelty-print toilet paper in the bathroom, because at the end of the day, you can’t truly scrub ironic shitposting out of your soul.
And there’s a woman. Short and slim, black hair in loose curls, orange eyes gleaming with delight. She’s draped over the arm of the couch, ordering takeaway as one of her two dogs tries to chew on her foot. Tonight, probably Thai food. Tomorrow, Koyo and Guy are in town, so she’s taking them out to dinner. The day after that is raid night, but more importantly, she’s got wedding plans to discuss. And the week after that… Well, they’re long overdue to visit Ume, so she’ll need to find someone to dog-sit. It couldn’t be a more mundane, normal existence if you tried.
But that’s fine by her. As long as she has one thing, nothing else matters. And that one thing-
- “Saya?”
She lifts her head. A voice calls from the bedroom, where they still need to finish unpacking all their furniture.
“Huh? What?”
- “Did you figure out what we’re having?”
“Oh- yeah, sure, red curry. What do you want to watch while we eat? I have seven different insipid reality competition shows for you to choose from, babe.”
There’s a bit of choked laughter from the other room.
- “Christ. It’s your choice, then.”
“Okay!”
She smirks and orders food.
It arrives in due time, by which point she and her fiancé are already curled up on the couch. One dog is asleep between them while the other one is begging for curry far too spicy for it to eat. Project Runway (season 11) is blasting on the TV; Saya, who watched this a million times in the background when she was trying to perfect time travel half a decade ago, knows all the dramatic twists by heart. But that’s fine too. It’s another cozy night in. It’s another normal night for a normal couple, living their normal lives.
In time, she will get married, and she’s going to hurl the bouquet directly at Koyo’s head. In time, the confused looks she gets on the street, the people asking if she’s related to ‘that influencer who exploded on an island’ will fade away. In time she will grow old, and her husband will grow old, too.
Hibayashi Saya will be the rich aunt to her classmate’s children, the eccentric patron keeping many Vriska fan artists Patreons afloat, bankroller of whatever weird and wacky pursuits her classmates want to pursue over the years. In ten more years she will host another reunion that isn’t on a train, and Ume’s kid will find her Chanel lipstick in her purse and eat the whole tube, and she’ll just smile and nod.
In time, nobody will ever remember tragic and poisonous Lindsay Tsai. But they will remember Saya. Not for inventing time travel, or for generating an unfathomable amount of clout, or for successfully putting a hit out on Andrew Hussie. But for being a good friend, for being happy, and- most of all- for being in love, love, love, the only thing she ever wanted in the first place.
(And in time, she is eventually going to wake up and see Takako at her front door holding a ten foot crab from three hundred million years ago, but that’s a problem for another day.)
That's enough crying. Lindsay grumbles and calms down enough to talk.
"...Actually, Kakeru, you're not incorrect. There's a million zillion parallel timelines in general, including ones where nobody got deleted at all. There's ones where, uh-"
He pauses. He's too embarrassed to say anything, but he's definitely thinking of the alternate timelines where Lindsay (1) and Akaji got together at some point in time before time travel got invented and everyone got saved a whole lot of heartache.
"...I just... never have the need to invent time travel. There isn't an 'original' timeline to speak of, just an infinite amount of parallel ones where slightly different things happen every time. In the ones we're all used to, my life fucks up and I invent time travel over and over. But there's a million more where, uh... my life doesn't go so bad. So..."
...He feels a little silly that a whole scope of solutions are being suggested now that he hadn't thought of before, but, to be fair, he never would have thought about these in the first place. He never would have considered his classmates would actually be willing to put time and effort into manifesting a reality where both he and Akaji get to walk away in one piece.
"...That... it might be possible, I think. What you're suggesting. And what Guy's suggesting, too. It's not like the morphogenetic field is a living entity, so I think you could try to trick it? We would need you all to get properly connected, though. And... it'd be hard. Jesus Christ, you're really gonna power of friendship this shit."
Lindsay peeks through his fingers, eyes glossy and red from crying.
"It. Doesn't work like Fear Street. You can't just stop someone's heart and bring them back reliably, or... without long-lasting side effects if you do succeed. If you wanted to do that, just do it to me, I'm not running the remote risk that Aki doesn't get to step off this train..."
"..."
"........ass that will ruin him......... thanks........."
He squeezes his fingers shut again, small and sad and trembly.
Lindsay had been ready for people to hate him. He hated it, but he'd been ready for it. It almost felt good to get yelled at, honestly. The idea of dying scared him shitless, but knowing that getting pulled apart at a molecular level by a furious Alice Kishinami would ensure the safety of the man he loved kind of outweighed the raw terror.
But now?
He didn't know what to do. How the hell was he meant to respond to the idea that these people- not all of them, thank you Jinki, you're objectively right but he doesn't like the bit where Akaji dies too- were willing to take a gamble on their own lives just to save... both of them. Not just Akaji. Him, too.
That they thought he was... their friend. A colossal fuck up, sure. A total idiot, sure. Someone who was going to get the world's biggest lecture by 18 disappointed people at the end of this, sure. But their friend, who they didn't want to see die, even though he'd fucked them over in countless different timelines in countless different ways, even though he'd showed up in a thotty little evil number and called them cringe on main.
It had been relatively easy not to break down when everyone was telling him he fucking sucked ass and should never have been born. But when Akitoshi "public displays of affection are a pain in the ass" Hibayashi yells that he loves him, in front of everyone, without a shred of hesitation or embarrassment... when Lily tells him he's stupid and segues straight into trying to save him... when Mokichi tells him that he isn't a former friend after all... when even Guy fucking Cleansgoode decides to retire from being an island just to brainblast him a spite fueled meme...
"You... you have shit taste...! You all have such shit taste...!!! You guys...!!! Seriously...!!!"
Yeah, that's his limit. He chokes and sobs, covering his face as tears begin to trickle down his cheeks. This is a bit sad. Someone please, I don't know, give him a hug or punch him in the face. One or the other. God help us he is getting gooey emotions all over the custom Chase Hanamura tailored Louis Vuitton bridal gloves.
Pure, sincere, and honest. If someone had told you that was the driving force of the vapid idiot who called himself MEATCOPTER69 when you’d boarded this train, you would have laughed in their face. What purity could be found in fake Balenciaga and unreleased Yeezys? What sincerity rang true in his shitty jokes in the middle of murder trials? What honesty was there when he’d been lying to your face all along?
And yet.
It was love. It was love that had let Lucinda convince him to steal restricted medication. It was love that made him reluctant to fly home for his grandparent’s funeral, and love that made him desperate to get back. Love that drove him to burn the store to the ground, love that got his sister killed as a byproduct. Love that tore him apart from the inside out when he got back to find his girlfriend gone, beaten to death in jail, only there in the first place because of the medication she had convinced him to steal for her. Love that drove him mad enough to do the impossible. Nothing but love.
Because all he ever wanted was to be loved. It’s not an easy thing to find, you know? Not for the sad little cosmic joke known as Lindsay Tsai. She was the only person in the world who would have tolerated him, he thought, and for that- for that fleeting chance to be cared for- he broke the laws of time and space.
To what end? Death? The deletion of a fellow classmate? The first Lindsay died for his efforts. The second Lindsay vowed to fix his mistake. After all, if he did it right the second time, wouldn’t it cancel out the first? (It doesn’t work like that. It never did.)
So love, love, love kept him going. He humiliated himself for love. He sold his soul and dignity for love. He spent sleepless days and nights with Tajika and Chirihara, poring over the burned remains of his old self’s notes, trying to fix what was wrong, to make sure that the next time would be right. Perfect. No missing classmate. No problems. For love.
Love hardened his heart. Love made him scoff at the missing classmate when they came back to confront him, to inevitably mock their attempts to get him to fix what damage his older self had caused. And that misguided love meant his train got stolen. A different type of love, the fleeting rush of an unfulfilled crush, lead him to hire Ume- although that would eventually turn into something else entirely, a platonic bond that few people could claim to share or understand.
Love…
No. Not just “love”. Lindsay Tsai’s love.
And Lindsay Tsai’s love is a venom that destroys everything it touches. It kills without repentance or remorse. His girlfriend loved him and died for it. His sister loved him and died for it. Everyone he ever cares for is guaranteed to suffer just by being near him. Not by any malice, nor specific intent, just because… it’s how it always is. The scorpion is doomed to sting, and the spider is doomed to 8ite.
So what is he meant to do when someone comes along who he loves so much, so so so much, so much more than the person he broke the known laws of existence to be with? What is he meant to do when he sees that venomous love spilling out, out into the veins of everyone he cares so much about on this train, the air they breathe, the fabric of the space and time they exist in?
Anyone and anything Lindsay Tsai loves is destined to die, and Lindsay Tsai loves too many people here to bear.
Which is why-
“Shut up. Shut up and listen to me.”
He wants to throw himself into Akaji’s arms and cry for the future they could never have together. He wants to hold Tomie tight like he did after that fateful A/B game. He wants to smile at Koyo and elbow Guy in the ribs and ruffle Mokichi's hair. He wants to see Lily's embarrassed face when he does the dumb cheer they made up for her. He wants to watch Kazu play Bloodborne again, he wants to put his head together with Keiji and scheme about breaking his shitty neighbour's lawnmower. He wants Ume to pick him up like the squeaky toy he is and laugh with him, laugh how they did in every other timeline, when they were best friends and nobody could tear them apart.
He wants, all he wants is to love love love and be loved in return. But that
isn’t an option.
It was never an option from the start.
“There isn’t a way to fix this. You don’t think I haven’t thought about it from the moment I realised it was happening? It’s a binary solution. I die, he dies, or we all die. Can’t you see that we’re already fading out of existence?! For the love of God-”
“For the love of FUCKING GOD, I am TRYING to make it EASY FOR YOU."
"Don’t you GET IT- don’t you- it’s so easy. It’s so easy. You just kill me. You just kill the evil mastermind who’s responsible for all this suffering in every timeline ever. You wheel out the guillotine and we’re done, we’re dusted, I atone for all my fucked up crimes I don't really want to live with anyway, you get off the train, you live your life. You never have to think about me again. Hell, you- I’ll- I’ll get, Tajika can, she knows my bank details! You can just split it amongst yourselves! It’s a win-win! You can- You can move on and find someone better for you-"
But from the way he’s shaking, from the way his voice is cracking-
From the way he’s staring desperately at Akaji, longing for something he’s too afraid to speak into existence-
You don’t think his heart is in it.
(That's... not a surprise, though. His heart is rotten like the rest of him, full to overflowing with love, love, love that steals the life away from everything it sinks its fangs into. The only question left is whether anyone has the courage to stop it before the real damage is done.)
"C'mooooooon! It was funny as fuck! Seriously, with a surname like "Tsai", how could I not make a pun out of it?! As if you wouldn't name your evil company after yourself if you got the chance!"
Lindsay actually snickers a bit.
"I'm Lindsay 2, dude. I saw Lindsay 1 delete Hibayashi and die. That aside, who the fuck taught you what vore means? Why do you know what that- who is responsible for this??? I-"
...
A little bit of color drains from his face when Kakeru starts talking. He struggles to keep his face straight, even though the corner of his mouth is tugging down.
"Huh? I'm not... man. I'm not acting! I'm 100%, true blue, evil mastermind. I even have the costume for it! Don't fuckin'-"
"...Christ. Christ. I'm not- that's not- the success rates refer to- never mind. Never fucking mind, can we just get on with this and see what Alice's funny little murder plan is-"
Lindsay leans in to listen to Mokichi's loud whisper and just... raises an eyebrow. Smirks a little, actually. The smile only grows bigger when they finish the rest of their statement.
"Shit, Mokichi, I'm fuckin' impressed! Who knew you had more than a little Tom Nook amiibo rattling around in that skull of yours? God, you're just so fuckin' close, you're killin' me. Seriously, I'm giving you a thumbs up on the Yout- oh. Right. Guess I should humor you with a response."
"Okay. Yes, this is the first and only time Hibayashi got deleted."
Lindsay had grinned at "101%", although the corner of his mouth twitches when Mokichi follows it up by telling Akaji they have his back. Hmm.
"And you're completely correct. We fix this by getting Hibayashi a 100% success rate. I don't know how you would get that extra 1%, but, uh, sure? Sounds good? I-"
-And then it's time for the peanut gallery. Thank you Katashi. Thank you. I don't know what I would do without your sparkly ass in my life. Lindsay clearly does not share my sentiment.
"Holy fucking shiiiit where do I even begin unpacking this lmaooooooo-"
However you can imagine a pronunciation of "lmaooooo", make it even more annoying and you've got whatever the hell just came out of his mouth.
"Jesus. Christ. Okay. Let me spell it out for you. We have sad little Lindsay Tsai, okay? And he fucks his life up so bad he decides to invent time travel, by himself, with a shitty machine crammed in the back of his Honda Civic."
"Now, there's two types of time travel. You can just throw your meat body anywhere the hell you want along the timeline. Easy. Simple. You wanna go back and get fucked up on laudanum in Victorian England? I could do that with my eyes closed. But your body's gonna age at the same rate no matter what you do and where you go, and if you're travelling in your own lifespan, you're gonna run into your past or future self. That's kinda weird."
"The other one, which I call the "G'raha Tia Special", is where you yeet your consciousness into your younger body. Which baaaaaaaaasically makes you immortal and gives you a free redo on your life forever and ever. Sick, right? Yeah. Hard as balls, though."
"So Lindsay Tsai the First goes back in time physically with his busted-ass Honda Civic and decides to do the G'raha Tia Special by way of running a fake science day at Yoshioka. It's the perfect excuse to get close to his Young Teenage Self, AND to get Little Lindsay- Lindsay The Second- hooked up to the field so he can body snatch."
"It's all going well. He pretends to be a visiting scientist, hires some actors to wear suits and ties, rigs up the G'raha Tia Special First Edition, and... fucks it. His math was busted. Shit goes to hell, a hole in spacetime opens up, eats Hibayashi- or, whoever else it is in any of those parallel timelines, and Lindsay The First gets fuckin' spiritually Juicero'd. Or whatever. He's dying. Realises he's not gonna get another chance. So he wipes everyone's memories permanently, except for Lindsay The Second- his teenage self he was trying to steal. That one gets a temporary wipe."
"Lindsay The Second goes and fucks up his life exaaactly the same as Lindsay The First, except this time while he's huddled up on a sad couch in LA, he gets this big fucking chunk of memories back in his brain 'coz his mindwipe wore off. He remembers where Lindsay The First hid his notes, goes back to Japan, digs 'em up, realises what he has to do. He-"
...And Lindsay looks a little... confused, for a moment.
Before he goes back to grinning.
"Sure. Suuuuuuure! Decides to run gauntlets of horror and agony on the train because why the fuck not, who even knows what those numbers mean, genius, why can't you figure it out, buddy, you're the total mastermind behind the super cool and really honestly fucking funny Double Murder Knife Party Stunt. What can't you do! Oh, let me throw you a bone, they're not time loops. They're infinite parallel timelines. It-"
Ah.
Ume.
Lindsay looks, genuinely,
very upset. For a few moments, at least. He sits back in his chair, unsure of how to pose himself.
"Oh my fucking god, Ume, can you please obey an order for once in your god damn life. I told you not to fuck this up for me. Tajika was right for mocking the shit out of me for hiring you 'coz I thought you were hot. Can't believe I'm giving that witch a W."
He's looking away now. At the wall. Avoiding anyone's gaze.
"Aurora, you're like, paaainfully close, you know? Come on, use that big fuckin' lawyer brain and think about it. But fine. Let me spoonfeed a little bit more into your tiny little mouth, since you're the only one I can make fun of for being shorter than me."
"Highschool sucked, but that's not why I invented time travel. I'm not that much of a fucking loser. You haven't ever regretted fucking up super hard in life? Like, so bad you just wish you could do it all over again? I'm not like one of your shitty little murder perps. I'm just a cut above. Hate to say it, but you really need to get on my level. Or are you telling me that if you got offered a chance to just go back and get a chance to avoid every single bad thing that happened to you from the moment you stepped foot in highschool, you wouldn't?"
"But you're like, dead on for one thing. Just think a little harder. Orrrrrrr... don't, actually! If you don't think about it, my life gets a lot easier!!!"
Lindsay crosses his legs. Uncrosses them. Rubs his hands across his painted nails, picks at the loose skin at the tips of his fingers. He's fidgeting, even though he's trying not to. Clearly something is bothering him more than he'd like to admit.
"....................Lily."
Oh?
"I didn't k-"
He cuts himself off and takes deep breath.
"I mean- yeah, no, I just did that because- it was funny! Super poggers, etc fuckin' cetera! You should have seen your face all the times that, that fuckin' Mokichi did it! Hah!!! But really, whether you figure it out or not doesn't make a difference in the end, because there's only one way to fix this. The sooner we get there, the less time I gotta spend in this cringe-ass reappropriation of my train's boardroom."
