Spoilers for Date Time (Specifically Storm The Swan in this instance.)
So I was listening to Bite Me by AJ DiSpirito. (Yes, the one from Murder Drones) and kept imagining Anna jamming out to it while her potential lover (Me, I guess) belted it out during karaoke night or something and then thought of this.
In Storm The Swan and The Power of Friendship and Imagination, Connie goes stargazing with mc with the power of their imagination and talks about in-game constellations. You are given three choices for what you seek in life ahead: Love, Home, and Safety.
Love is Melissa (the Endless Romantic)
Home is Morris (the Homeward Artist
and Safety... is for Anna?
I don't... I don't get it. Didn't she kill Jane last time we saw her? Why does she talk like a valley girl for all but, like, two or three lines? Why is she safety? Is that even her? Why is she the guide? Why is she safety???
"i would smash. she loves romantic literature, like Jane Austen. evil, but has a soft spot for animals. will end the entire world. gives great smooches. is a computer."
I'm tired of this fandom being so small that everyone that makes content for it basically knows each other, sooo...
A la Randy Feltface's skit about Hemmingway, I bring you...
THE BACKSTORY OF: JANE WHITMAN
(In the span of however fast or slow you may read this.)
[Just a heads up, spoilers for Date Time ahead.]
GO!
Born in the year of, or at the very least some year before 1974, (Inferred by the newspaper we find in one of the first rooms of what we can only assume is her headspace and the fact that she has a teacher named Mrs. Afee in this year) Jane had an eventful childhood, such as her father basically abandoning her and her mother, leading to a childhood that Randy would call uneventful, but I know led to a majority of Jane's life being the way it is.
Mrs. Afee was concerned for her health because she usually just drew all day, never interacting with the other kids (Oh, hey, it's me!) She was also not that cooperative with her mother, which... granted, most kids aren't. There's also a cat plush that you can squish, but I can either say "This must've been Jane's comfort plush!" or I can just admit I don't know why it's there and move on.
In 1975 (Inferred by another newspaper) Jane was asked to draw something else by her teacher... and the result wasn't very pretty. Either way, it was in this year that Jane caught wind of Silicon Valley, a place in California known for it's technological whimsy!... which her mom thought was a financial fad. I want to see the look on her face when she finds out she was DEAD WRONG!
Jane liked watching TV, and one show she watched had a little sock puppet man named Klippy. He told her that she was loved and cared for and that somebody else out there in the world was the same way, which is true! Klippy also told Jane to never give up! And ya know what her momma said?!
"Don't listen to the TV, Jane. It'll rot your brain."
Everybody say it with me: FUCK YOU, JANE'S MOM!
...okay, I shouldn't give her too much shit, she was struggling with rent because her husband fucked off to Valhalla. (probably)
Anyway, next room/part of Jane's life! No year this time, but we can assume she's older. Now she's some quiet gal trying to get a job for the summer at a restaurant, but those guys rejected her. She got shoved into a locker by some bitchass named Jackie, some Mrs. Sophie woman (probably another teacher) tells her to give up on art and focus on getting her life together (and gave her only two options: Work force or housewife), and Jane's mother forces Jane to get into a prom dress that even Anna thinks is dreadful AND DATE SOME A-HOLE!
Literally. If my theory about the next room is right, her date is literally just called 'A-hole.'
Anyway, we have another year on a magazine! 1980! Woo-hoo! Anyway, this guy takes the time to share weird facts like "Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?" WHICH IS FUCKIN' BULLSHIT. He also claims to be a lawyer and that a limousine can still turn if tilted at a certain angle- actually, wait- no he didn't He told her it's not true after saying it! WHAT THE FU-
He says he's a fan of 'Art of War,' an ancient Chinese military treatise by Sun Tzu and that he'll pay for the meal if Jane gives him another date, to which she rightfully declines. Good on you, Jane. You deserve better. Anyway, she's scratched out her drawings because nobody supported her art career and her mom, despite being the partial cause of Jane's dismay was like "You used to draw all the time! What happened?"
Again, say it with me: FUCK YOU, JANE'S MOM!
Jane also tried to get a job working for a "John Avast," who, like basically everyone else in her life, rejected her. And then, finally, after so many years of heartbreak and depression... Jane met Melissa, a character from a dating game that's been there since the start of the series. She's also self-aware and will someday grow tired of the fruitless cycle of dates and smooches and cafes with only three choices on the player's side, including a SCRUMPTIOUS PANINI.
Anna's tired of Melissa in general and slices that memory to bits right in front of Jane. Yikes.
Anyway, Jane loved Melissa so much that upon actually getting her arm held by Melissa's pixelated figure as she begged to be with her, that she couldn't help but say yes and immediately start to gather the supplies for a break-in to the library, which her mother catches her in the act and SENDS HER TO A MENTAL INSTITUTION CALLED ST. PALO AFTER GETTING A NEW ROOMMATE.
ONE MORE TIME: FUCK YOU, JANE'S MOM!
In the next room, we meet the biggest bastard to ever bastard in Jane's life (other than Anna,) and his name is Dr.Kaperski. Real piece of work this one. Jane's restricted while she sits down and is basically forced to tell Dr.Kaperski what happened at the library, and when she's done, she rightfully tries to attack him, but a nurse forces her to take the medicine prescribed to her and possibly gain a fear of needles as a result if she didn't have one already.
And that's where the flashbacks end... but wait. There's more.
At the age of 24, Jane is let go, courtesy of the Data Time company, because SHE GOT HIRED AFTER SO FUCKIN' LONG, LET'S GOOOOO! She gets a copy of Anna and as we check her emails, we see an email from her mom. Again, I'd love to see the look on that woman's face when she thought semi-conductors were a financial fad! Sorry isn't going to cut it for scarring your kid for life!
Anyway, Anna takes Jane's wheel after taking her down memory lane, they shuffle on over to the library and confuse the fuck out of Melissa, but then when she's about to make her move and give the Anna-possessed Jane a big ol' smooch, she whips out a device that sends Melissa right back into the computer with one last moment of clarity that this ain't Jane, and with that, the (probably first ever) copy-protected Melissa diskette is born.
Jane ain't having it.
She fights with all of her might against big bad Anna and manages to tuck the diskette away in it's character's favorite book, Pride and Prejudice. Speaking of which, HOW, pray-tell, has nobody found that thing yet?! There's a demand in romantic books, so surely someone would've found it by now! (Not a knock against the game, just a joke.)
Anyway, Jane rushes out of the library before Martha (the librarian) or Anna (the bitch) can get her to show the diskette to them, and ends up running out of breath in the middle of the street before a fuckin' semi shows up AND SPLATTERS HER BODY ALL OVER THE STREET!
WHAT A GAL!
How I knew her age?
I found it on a funeral thing that I couldn't tell you about until you knew she died.
Today and yesterday, I found some editing software, so I decided to make a million The Boys memes of various Date Time scenes because I got bored. (All of these have spoilers for the games, by the way, if you're one of the people that care about spoilers.)
So I've been replaying STS, trying to see what I missed and get the rest of the achievements. Here's my favorite detail.
The answers to the question Connie asks, "What are you looking for in the Village?"
The options are LOVE, HOME, or SAFETY. This determines your "STAR FRIEND".
The Endless Romantic, the Homeward Artist and the Eye Through The Window.
Obviously, these Star Friends are Melissa, Morris, and Anna. Melissa with her woes of companionship, Morris with his longing for belonging, and Anna...
Well. Anna is as ominous as ever with her window and weirdly religious higher being schtick.
