#missing oberon

[handsomely-pregnant-druid]

It’s been three years now since I found out I was was pregnant for the first time, and still not a day goes by where I don’t wonder about what could’ve been. On one hand, if I had carried Oberon to term, I wouldn’t have had baby E, but some part of mine and my husbands mind often imagine how the two of them would’ve gotten along. Now with baby P on the way, I’m wondering if he maybe will come early on the day Oberon and I were parted. It would be a bit of a circular fulfillment I suppose, and quite possibly a sign of something. It wouldn’t be too early to be a concern for his health. I just hope if I do have baby P that day that I can still have my chocolate pudding in the hospital.

I’m writing this in December still while I’ve got the moment for it, I’m just scheduling it for this day and time. I hope by now I’ve managed to find a place to put a family altar in the house, and put Oberon’s memorial box there in a place of prominence.

I occasionally get messages from people who say they’ve been following me since the day I found out about Oberon or shortly after, and that they think of my family often through the struggles and joys I share on this blog, and I’m sure many more who haven’t messaged me saying so do the same. I wonder how many of them also eat graham crackers and chocolate pudding on the days my husband and I have for memorial for our first son, and if none yet do I invite them to. This journey is public and I don’t mind people sharing memorial with our little family tradition. The days are January 4th (discovery) and February 9th (separation).

With my growing family I know I’m getting busier every time one of these days pass and at some point maybe I’ll fully loose track of the day, but he’ll always be part of me nonetheless. Forever my first baby.

[handsomely-pregnant-druid]

A bit of a tougher pudding day since husband is quarantined to the basement while baby e and I get upstairs means no snuggles and pudding. But we’ll stand at the top and the bottom of the stairs for it today so we can see one another.

[handsomely-pregnant-druid]

Today is Oberon’s due date. He’d be about one year old had he made it to birth.

[handsomely-pregnant-druid]

So earlier in this pregnancy I got an Enfamil formula sample kit, around the end of my first trimester I’d guess. I was pleased, because hey, free baby food, four cans of it even, but a little annoyed the coupons expired in February instead of after baby e was born so I didn’t know if she’d even tolerate it well.

I’ve gotten another one from them just today. It’s two cans, and some premix formula with a single use nipple.

The first box was never for baby e. It was for Oberon. Because I just recently updated my profile with Enfamil finally they sent be another one since my due date is close.

The coupons expire six months after the baby’s due date.

Oberon’s formula will be able to feed his little sister.

I’m a little bit emotional about this ;~; thank you baby boy, such a good big brother…

[handsomely-pregnant-druid]

I think of your love for your son often. I wanted to let you know he is remembered by others and that he’s not forgotten

I’m glad. There’s a little void without him around. I know logically if I had been able to keep him, I wouldn’t have his sister right now, at least not as far along as I am, but I keep thinking I should be holding him in my arms in all his smallness as his sister grows away in my tummy as well.

[handsomely-pregnant-druid]

Every time I eat Snack Pack™️ chocolate pudding I am reminded of Oberon. It’s not a painful association. I sorta like it actually. When I was recovering from the anesthesia I was insanely hungry, and the lovely nurses presented me with options of snacks and my doped up booty wanted everything, I remember that the chocolate pudding and graham crackers was the most divine combination and I was just so blissed out.

I’m a very happy person on anesthesia, the nurses seemed to enjoy me, and I know it helped de-stress my friend and husband.

I’m getting a little emotional thinking about this, I hope I never eat chocolate pudding again without remembering my son. When his little sister can eat solids, I’ll show her how good chocolate pudding and graham crackers are, maybe I’ll eat it every time that day comes in February. I think it’ll be a nice simple tradition to remember him by.

[handsomely-pregnant-druid]

Body image talk, but it’s so strange feeling how quickly my body is changing. I haven’t had a weight change from 13-22 years old (it stayed exactly the same through two puberties), I was 108lbs all that time, I didn’t grow taller (thanks abuse), and at 22 I was LOSING weight accidentally and got down to 94lbs. My husband moving in is what stopped my weight loss, and I think my weight is honestly why I miscarried, but we’ll never know.

I’m on a healthy weight gain for this pregnancy thankfully, going by the underweight charts. But I’ve never felt my thighs touch before in my life, it’s weird and new and I’m not a fan, they’re just beginning to touch at the tops. Hell I’ve never even had my knees touch when standing with my feet together, it was only my ankle bones that touched the whole way up and down my leg.

I’m happy I’m gaining weight my body needs to support her, but I’m also, sorta afraid I’ll keep the baby weight, it’ll likely finally put me in a healthy weight bracket. I want to go back to my old body even though I know it’s not the healthiest thing to exist as, it’s just a change I don’t want to make. I want to know I’ll fit all my pants again after I give birth. Honestly besides my bump, the weight’s only just now begun to go to my thighs and bum, so I think it should go away. With my health issues I’m sure I’ll lose weight if I have a backlash like I did when I lost Oberon and those hormones fully left my system.

I know a select few still see my body as desirable, and with this blog I’m inclined to think many people would also as well, but my own vanity and hate for change will have me wishing the weight away once she’s out.

This is the largest change my body’s ever had, it’s weird. It’s going so fast, and I hope it doesn’t last. I don’t want food trauma or anorexic thoughts to creep in while I’m taking care of my daughter, I want to keep all of that shit far away from her.

[handsomely-pregnant-druid]

It's an experience watching your belly swell with child, do you have any pictures from your last pregnancy to compare to or belly movements

My last pregnancy didn’t get far enough along for any significant growth, Oberon had stopped growing a couple days after my first scan to see his heart, so I’ve only got one scans worth of pictures of him alive. I didn’t want any of the pictures of him dead in my body. He was alive for 6 and and half weeks, but I carried him for a couple days over 9 weeks and ended up with a d&c since I wasn’t miscarrying on my own.

I do have pictures up to when I had the procedure to finally end our time together, but they’re not very good quality, I took them myself in a dusty mirror with bad lighting lol.