The Divorce by Moa Herngren
Bea wasn't good enough for you She didn't make enough money She didn't make other men pant with desire She got along with your family whom you hate secretly, silently down in the depths of your heart locked in a room where you admit no one. You resent your daughters there, too, deep down those girls who waste your time and cost you money money you don't have. You hate Bea because she reminds you that you are in debt that you hate your job that you fear yourself that you fear failure. You bury your panic in that same dungeon in the lowest chamber of your soul but the panic keeps rising out of its prison you can't keep the crypt doors closed so you blame Bea Bea the bitch the evil thing that wants you to come home, be a father be a husband be responsible for yourself the evil bitch wants you to grow up and be a man but you can't be a man you are a babyman a man that wants to live as a baby to have others do whatever you don't want to do to be responsible for your mood swings from sullen to bland to afraid to sullen again endlessly cycling between bad feelings for no good reason but you aren't bipolar no! you are perfectly normal it's Bea that tortures you with her stupid porch furniture and tasteful decor and friends you don't like because they aren't downers misery loves company they say and that's how you came to hook up with Maria the slut who sleeps with married men and paints their living rooms hot pink the day they get rid of the wife that expects him to be faithful to his vows Maria who toys with your heart to keep herself from experiencing the fear, anger, loneliness of her own divorce you are nothing but a pacifier to her and when you have served your purpose she will discard you like a binky that fell on the floor in a public restroom she'll be done with you the way you were with Bea. You are no better off with Maria Your debt is worse Your life is shallower telling yourself that Maria gets you and you only married Bea because you are afraid of your own latent homosexuality you needed to suck on something so you chose Bea to be your own pacifier to quiet the fear that is just under that trapdoor in the dungeon in your soul where you keep all the bad things the fearful things that will someday escape and destroy your illusions. grow up babyman. sweep out your dungeons or find them filled with demons worse than what haunts you now.
