#mood track

[recallingrealities]

[notlivingwithoutyou]

Had a dream about the loss of Undercity so you get a mood track for Rudi after that happens.

Like, she knows it’s war but she is getting really sick of losing things.  On top of it being a style of music she’d like, I think it gives the mood for an intense, quiet rage.  She’s a person that hides most of her turmoil so I feel it fits. Lyrics under cut.

I'm gonna fight 'em all A seven nation army couldn't hold me back They're gonna rip it off Taking their time right behind my back

And I'm talking to myself at night Because I can't forget Back and forth through my mind Behind a cigarette And the message coming from my eyes Says leave it alone

Don't want to hear about it Every single one's got a story to tell Everyone knows about it From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell

And if I catch it coming back my way I'm gonna serve it to you And that ain't what you want to hear But that's what I'll do And the feeling coming from my bones Says find a home

I'm going to Wichita Far from this opera for evermore I'm gonna work the straw Make the sweat drip out of every pore And I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding Right before the lord All the words are gonna bleed from me And I will sing no more And the stains coming from my blood Tell me go back home

[i-bring-the-weather-with-andi]

I'm dying. It's getting bad.

I don’t know if it’s the stress or if I’m physically getting the flu or something. I’m on the verge of losing this apartment deal and we can’t move in for another month now. Work is hiring me straight into the assistant manager position. I don’t know anything about management or even how to run a clothing store. Physically im sick. Really sick. The period cramps are awful (worse from the stress) and my back is killing me. Maybe it’s from working too hard yesterday and running around trying to get things done. All that heavy lifting isn’t good for me. But when is filling milk and reaching up onto top shelves considered “heavy physical labor”? It’s pathetic. But I’m a small, weak girl. Work leaves me exhausted and in pain every day. I have no energy. I can’t move. Everything hurts even with medication. I constantly feel like I’m on the verge of puking. I’m shivering like I’m cold and my hands and feet are freezing, but I’m still sweating. Maybe it is the flu or something.

Mentally I’m gone. There’s no thoughts in my head. It’s like an empty shell. I can’t write that essay I need to. It’s awful. Not nearly what it should be. I was so jumpy at work yesterday. On three separate occasions I jumped and screamed when someone surprised me. My manager walked up behind me and said something and it scared the shit out of me. I was constantly seeing things. I saw a fucking 6 foot tall bunny rabbit like the one from Donnie Darko for a moment. I’m falling apart. I can’t think. Sometimes I suffer from too much thinking but now it’s just… blank. Nothing is there. I’m not here. I don’t even remember what I did all day. Its nothingness. I just have this blank expression. Say nothing, do nothing. It’s like I’m in this stupor. And I can’t break out of it.

[i-bring-the-weather-with-andi]

I'm curious

I want to test my theory for myself. Lately I've been thinking that I don't have Bipolar at all. I haven't had a serious hypomanic episode in over a year. I've had mild times I feel great every so often but they're usually short lived (just a week or two). The problem is that's something that happens to everyone. Everyone has good weeks. I'm on Lamictal that's meant to help stop those hypomanic episodes. But what if I never had them at all and I was just a typical teenager? They diagnosed me as Bipolar at 17, after all. That seems a little young. Kids do dumb shit. Teenagers have mood swings. What if what they thought was hypomania was me just having a good week? What if I've been on this medication this whole time for no reason? I'm tempted to just stop the lamictal and see what happens. If I have a hypomanic or manic episode than I'll know the truth. If I dont, then I don't have bipolar after all. It seems like a pretty solid plan. Dangerous, yes. But it's worth it to know if my theory is right. Of course maybe I'm not thinking clearly at all. I should probably run it by someone else. But who? I don't have any friends...

[i-bring-the-weather-with-andi]

Something Is Wrong

I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the shit nutrition I’ve been getting. I take fish oil and multivitamins but I’ve only been eating one meal a day (usually 600 calories or less). We only get that meal because Charlene feeds us. Korey and I can’t afford food and I’m too afraid to go apply for food stamps because I’m afraid of losing my apartment deal. Maybe next month after we move in I’ll get them.

Lately I know there’s something terribly wrong. I’ve been hearing things. Little snippets of conversations that only go on for a moment. It scares the fuck out of me every time. It’s worse at night. The illusions are real too. Every other day I see a normal object as something else entirely. Usually it’s people. Scary, terrifying people. But only for a moment. Just quick enough to set my heartbeat racing and then I look back and it’s gone.

Lately I'm convinced that I'm being watched. I go to the bathroom at night time and I just have this unshakable feeling that someone is staring at me. I usually run back to the safety of the room with Korey as quickly as I can. It's gotten to the point that I'm afraid of even getting up to use the bathroom at night. I hold it as long as physically possible

Its been feeling like my thoughts arnt making any sense to me. They’re all jumbled around and disconnected. I can’t think straight. Even when talking to people I trip over my words. I can’t seem to say the right word. Sometimes I go into this stupor where nothing makes sense. I’ve been getting the feeling that I’m dreaming again. I don’t know what reality is.

In class we often have to give speeches in pairs or groups. It’s so loud with all the voices talking that I get overwhelmed. So much so that I can’t pick out a single voice. I can “hear” my partner speaking to me but the words don’t make any sense. I can’t process it. It’s like my brain is being over stimulated. I’ve never felt like this before.

I’ve been forgetting things. The most concerning is that I’m forgetting how to spell basic words that I once knew. I had to spend five minutes figuring out how to spell “excerise” for fucks sake there it is again! I thought that was entirely right until my autocorrect told me I was wrong. Excercise. Exercise! That’s it. At work, I spelled fucking “raisin” wrong. Raisin. Are you fucking kidding me? When I’m taking notes it feels like every other sentence has a misspelled word.

My depression is back. The thought of suicide occasionally crosses my mind. But it’s nothing like what it was before. I wouldn’t ever act on it and leave korey behind. The urge to cut again is stronger though. If I was on my own I would do it in a heartbeat. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I’ve been irritable lately. Korey looks at me differently. I don’t mean to be mean but everything pisses me off. I don’t know what to do. This isn’t me. This isn’t how I act.

These are all hallmarks of depression. The problem is that I know how my depression feels by now. I’ve been dealing with it for years. This is something entirely new. Something different. Can depression change like that? Is that normal since I’m becoming an adult?

I’m just terrified that this is the onset of a schizo disorder. I know I’m at that age. The doctors warned me it could happen. It scares me so much. My older brother Michael is a schizophrenic and there’s a chance of me developing it too. Please God don’t let it happen. I can’t deal with that.

What if it’s neurological like a brain tumor or something?

I need to see a doctor…. I’m too afraid to talk to korey about this. How do I admit that I’m going insane? How do I admit that I’m on the slippery slope to losing my mind? What if I have another psychotic episode? What if I end up like Taylor? I’m so afraid please make it go away. I’m just so… scared.

[i-bring-the-weather-with-andi]

Mood Track

I think a good way to keep track of my Bipolar disorder is to pay attention to when the cycle shifts. I’m probably gonna need this, I think. I’ll start as far back as I can remember.

2014. Winter/Spring Major depression 3-4 hospitalizations

Summer (June/July) 2014 Major depression 1 hospitalization 3 weeks of hypomania with hallucinations toward the end Normal until September

2015. Winter/Spring Major Depression Self harm out of control 2 Hospitalizations

Summer 2015 Major Depression

Fall 2015 Hell on earth. Major crippling depression while attending Long Beach State. Minor Suicide Attempts were common (every 3 weeks or so) Hospitalized finally in October. Alcoholism was out of control. Self Harm- the keloid scars are still there

Winter 2015 Homeless in part Major Depression Drinking heavily almost every night

Spring 2016 Got a job and place to live. March-May: Moderate depression Doing better- more normal moods

Summer 2016 Moved to Auburn, CA Mild depression for the first month July 2016 Normal mood I’ve been doing better. No self harm since February August 2016 Things are getting bad again. I see things sometimes.

Through the entire time, there were scattered weeks of normal mood and scattered weeks of hypomania. I’ve been much better now. Better than I can ever remember.