Update: got to talk about video games with my coworkers today between coughing fits which was cool
But after work, my mental health has been taking a nosedive
My cough is getting worse too
So of course my flu-fogged brain is conflating the two
My anxiety of not knowing if I’ll ever see my ex again after that day two weeks ago now at church… wondering if I should have said something more… should I have chased after her? I just let her walk away. Does she still hate me? Why else would she not have replied to my dm. Why else would she not have gone back to that church the following week?
I have to get over my illness. I have to go back there on Sunday. Even if she’s not there, I have to talk to the pastor. I have to know
Of course I most likely already know the truth and just don’t want to admit it to myself.
Even if she doesn’t mention me in a villainous light in any of the 100+ podcast episodes she recorded during the pandemic with her friend reminiscing about high school memories, the fact she’s never tried to contact me after our last Skype in 2012 is proof enough. 13 years of no contact and now, from her perspective, I’m barging back into her life out of the blue- she doesn’t want to see me. A handshake was just an adult formality. It wasn’t a hug. It wasn’t a “great to see you, we should catch up!” It was a “it’s been a while!”
Maybe what she had meant to say was, “I was hoping it’d be an even longer while before you found me again.”
