That Night
The night Remus cried for the first time in front of someone.
Tw: recreational use of drug and alcohol; mention of crying and panic attacks; swearing.
It was one of those nights, for Remus and Sirius. One of those where they'd drink and smoke and talk all alone in one of their beds, a silencing spell that acted like a shield, separating them from the rest of the world. They were lying on Remus' bed that night, laughing slightly- it was probably the joint they were sharing. Usually, they would ask each others dumb questions about the more desperately random things. That night wasn't any different.
<< What did you do when -y'know - you were scared in your bed at night as a kid, like -uhm...in first year? Like, yeah no, like when you heard footsteps that weren't supposed to be there or the window cracking or the wind when there was a storm? >> Sirius asked, his voice strashing because of the alcohol and the weed. Remus chuckled at the stuttering his friend's made, and shrugged << I'd usually get up and go check for anything unusual. When it happens, still nowadays, I can't really sleep anymore, so I read or stay up thinking. You? >>. Sirius raised one dark eyebrow, << Really? No hiding under your blanket? Liar. >> this time was Remus' turn to raise an eyebrow. He knew Pads was joking but one of their established rules, when they played that infinitive "20 questions", was to not criticise or comment on the other's answer. He sighed. That was Sirius he was talking about, he was made for breaking rules. << I've always thought it was stupid and childish>>. << I guess...but isn't that how a child should behave- childishly and stupidly? I mean, I thought everybody used to- >> Remus didn't let him finish, and when he spoke, his voice was harsher than expected.
<< I used to, Sirius, and I found out on my skin that it's no use hiding under your blanket, or calling your mum's name on repeat, not when your room's window is opening and suddenly you can't even remember your own name because it hurts so damn much >>. When he finished talking he felt numb, and couldn't really even blame it on the firewhisky. That was the first time he talked with someone about the night Greyback turned him into a monster. << I-It's no use >> he was shaking, Sirius noticed, and fastly wrapped his arms around the waist of his best friend.
<< Hey, hey no, it's ok Moony, I'm here >> he said, while feeling the t-shirt he used to sleep in - it was one of Moony's - getting wet as the teenage werewolf started to sob. Sirius was a bit taken aback at that. He had only see Moony cry once, and it was when he thought the Marauders were going to send him away after discovering he was a "a filthy fucking monster" as he said. And for Godric's sake, not even that time it was proper crying! He just let a tear flew down, and then became numb and cold as ice till they clearly told him that all of those things he had said about himself were bullshit, and he was an amazing, beautiful, intelligent boy, and he was their friend (most of it came from the mouth of Mama Prongs, but both Sirius and Peter thought and said the same). Seeing Moony crying was scary, for Sirius, and also fucking painful too.
And then Remus sat down on the bed, tears still rolling down his freckled and scarred cheeks as he opened his mouth to talk. When he did, he was more of a whisper than a proper sentence, but Sirius heard every single word. << I didn't lie though, y'know, when I said that I wouldn't hide in my bed during the first year, I stopped doing that when I was four>>. He chuckled, the stubborn bitch. Sirius chuckled too, but then went serious again (no pun intended).
<< Moony, I'm sorry, I should've known- >>
<< No, you couldn't have, I've never told any of you about that night, it's not your fault. It's just that- >> he stopped, not knowing how to express what he wanted to say. He wasn't even sure if he had entirely processed what happened just a minute before. He cried. He cried in front of Sirius. And that wasn't even the biggest event of the night, no, he fucking snapped at Sirius telling him the most private thing he could ever tell anyone. He was about to let it go and send the other boy back to his bed, when said boy didn't even let him << stop that, I know you are fucking your head with all that overthinking. Just...I'm sorry, and you have to accept it. It's like you think everything is always your fault but, surprise! - it's not! It's fucking not. Not now. Not ever >>
<<I've been a prick breaking that rule of yours about the answers, you snapped and let slip something you didn't mean to tell me, and now you want to bury yourself, don't you? But that wasn't something you had control on, it's not your fault >> he went on, smiling when Remus let out a soft laugh nodding his head, making those soft caramel locks almost bunch on his forehead as he did so, leaving Sirius no other option different than admiring in awe at the taller boy. He sighed. << We are such dumb blokes sometimes >> Moony concluded, making Sirius laugh.
And when Remus lied down again, he spread his arms to let Sirius sneak against him. When the dark haired boy did, and he put his face in the crook of Remus' neck, he found himself feeling happy. It didn't matter that he didn't tell his friend how he felt for him like he promised himself he would've done that night; it wasn't the right moment, not yet.
That night was special just as it was, no need for slappy love declarations.