Unclutching the hold on an unrealized dream
It would've been easier to say "on letting go" but it didn't have the same kind of feeling. Clutching onto something feels more personal and close.
It's been a while since I received my offer, and only a few weeks since I submitted my visa application. In that time, more than the feeling of dread at starting a new job, it was reluctance at moving out that came rearing its stubborn head as my main cause of anxiety, and I became fiercely determined to stay put in my current apartment.
I had had an unspoken wish, you see, and it may have been one that was made with a shallow conviction, because I had no deep reason to stay in this particular place. And yet, that wish had stuck in the back of my mind this whole time.
Whether it was 2 years, 4 years or more, I had pictured myself staying in this place for a long time. But there was really nothing that I could think of that was motivating me to stay here besides the location. I don't feel like I've made such a strong emotional connection to this place, like I thought I would have after living here for a little bit.
I had imagined myself becoming a neighborhood fixture who could strike up an easy conversation with the local fruit grocer across the street, or to have been able to make a friendly acquaintance with the ojiisan who made takoyaki a few blocks over.
As it goes, things didn't pan out as planned, and I remain as much as a stranger to this neighborhood as the day I moved in.
And I'd like to tell myself that it's not a bad thing. So what if I didn't make my mark here? I came here without a plan in the first place, so it's not like I knew already I wanted to stay here forever. This place shouldn't mean so much to me.
But as I write this, the things that make me grateful for having lived here rise from some hidden place, and float before me for a moment before they dissipate, and somehow their departure grants me a sense of relief and lightness.
I realize that maybe I just needed time to let go. Unclutch that tight hold on something that didn't and isn't going to materialize at this time, without blaming myself for my unrealized (and haphazardly made) goals. I'll focus instead on what I'm thankful for.
With that, I hope to then direct my attention to what needs to be done. Namely, selling most of my things and packing my life (again) into suitcases.