#my gabriel

[pixiedane]

From what you’ve told us about the Terran Empire . . .

[adlag]

I have so much pent up emotions I don't know how to express.

1) I'm sad, so unbearably sad. I feel so hollow inside. I constantly feel like there's a huge part of me missing ever since I realized things are not going to be the same anymore. I feel like I've lost something significant in my life, like I will not get it back anymore.

2) Is this what losing a friend feels like? At this point it's not even about what I miss about our friendship anymore.

3) There probably is jealousy when you talk about your friends, when other people talk about meeting you, when I see you chatter so thoughtlessly and so carefree with our mutual friends. I have lost that role. I will no longer know all the small and insignificant details about your life even though I so desperately want to know them all.

4) I want you to talk to me like we used to. I want to hear about all the useless details about your life. What did you order for lunch? What should you buy to snack on for dinner? Should you buy that one thing you really want to buy?

5) From day to day, there will be time where it seems like everything has gone back to normal, like we still have that connection, like there's still hope that I can still salvage whatever small pieces are left behind and start again. I've learned my lesson, again and again, that they're nothing more than false hope.

6) Our relationship is irreparable at this point, and I have to make peace with it. After all, you had your purpose in my life. I will not be the same person I am now if I had not met you. You still taught me to be more carefree, to love myself more, to appreciate myself more during bad days although these days I can't seem to see that anymore. But it's okay. You did make me the happiest I could remember when I could barely count the days I haven't been numb these past few years, even if for only the first two months. You made me happy, dheg. So, so happy. And I'm thankful.

7) I will learn to let you go. I will learn to let go of the resentment, the jealousy, this sorrow, this hollow feeling I have in my chest now. One day I will.

[adlag]

hey gabe.

wow this does feel like it's eating me alive sometimes. this time in particular is worse.

it was never me in the first place, i guess. there really were probably nothing there to begin with. we probably were never even friends.

and it... it sucks. this particular moment, this particular hour, these grueling minutes ticking away that feels like years. i can barely find any strength in myself to breathe.

maybe in time i should know how to let you go. maybe in time we can go back to being strangers. maybe you'll even wonder why i'm acting like a stranger. maybe you won't because we really never were friends to begin with in the first place.

i wish you well, gabe. i still wish you all the happiness in the world. but at this particular moment i wish we never met too.

[adlag]

hey gabe. can’t talk to you directly, as usual, so i have to share this here again.

it feels really weird when i think about how we got here. i still like keeping track of how many days have passed since our conversation first started, even though technically it’s ended already.

i mean, at least i thought it had ended. on day 243, when our mutual friend texted me at 4 pm in the evening after i just woke up from my nap that she saw you posting an instagram story with a girl.

it’s strange, that day. i mean, my reaction made sense. my first reaction, at least. i’m glad that it ended that way. at least, that’s how i thought it would have ended. cause it didn’t end. or... nothing really ends, cause nothing really started.

and it’s weird, this whole feelings business. you probably would laugh at me if i tell you i have feelings for you. that i... had feelings for you waaaayyy before we first started talking.

your first question when you finally could stop laughing is probably “but what about your boyfriend?”

right, what about my boyfriend? i do love my boyfriend. i still love him now. but that doesn’t negate or change the fact that i have feelings for you too.

and i don’t know what to do with this. please don’t ask me what i’m going to do with this. don’t ask me how far i’m willing to go for you, because frankly, i don’t know. don’t ask me to renounce and leave behind everything i’ve ever known and all i’ve ever loved to focus on you and only you, and give me the hope that yes, we might share the same feelings for each other, because i might. i might be willing to go that far. but i’ll never know. if you give me a little push, just a bit of a tug or pull my hand to go with you, i might.

huh. this really doesn’t make sense.

gabe, when this all first started, it was just attraction. you know? that sort of “hey this dude looks good” and a little bit of nsfw thoughts peppered here and there, with a side of guilt as well because i’m already in a committed relationship.

then you talked to me, and i panicked. it was hilarious because it was just a simple question about our classes together and of course, of course you’d ask about classes or about our lessons sooner or later. of course we’d talk about that or about work, we’re gonna cross paths so many times because we share the same space together and we’re basically doing the same thing together.

but i was so scared because after all those thoughts about you, what if something begins from here? if anything begins from here i’m not sure if i can stop myself. again, i don’t know what i’m willing to do and how far i’m willing to go, and i didn’t want to find out.

then we started talking on february 28 and it moved from one day to another and it moved from our lessons to our lives to our daily routines and then it turns to whining, it turns to sharing about the games we like and if we might play the same games together to sharing about how you have to go out and get your motorbike checked cause it’s been so long since you last used your bike after the pandemic happened and it turns to asking mundane questions and sharing mundane information like hey, there’s fogging at my house today, hey what should i buy for lunch, and it turns to sharing personal stories about your family and how you were never really close with them when you were younger and how i got sick and hospitalized a lot as a kid and slowly, it turns to nothing.

i hope it’s not because of my stupid jokes, gabe. i hope it’s not because you’re uncomfortable about this cause god i don’t know how to stop myself sometimes and now all of our mutual friends start playing matchmaking with us even though they know i have a boyfriend? because i keep jokingly flirting with you. i hope you don’t hate me. if i do that, it’s not because i’m making fun of you. i can’t openly state that i’m attracted to you, not when i’m in a relationship.

i wish you well, gabe. i really do. i don’t know where i want to go with this word vomit. i want you to be happy. it will really warm my heart to know that you’re surrounded by friends who love you, and who knows, maybe a lover who you can hold and hang out with and share stupid jokes and laugh together with who wants to know about all your interests who will listen to your rants on your worst days and hold you when you’re upset. you deserve to have people who love you. you helped me grow and made me feel more comfortable with myself. you taught me courage, you taught me confidence, you taught me to love myself more and how to know myself better. you taught me to be kinder to myself. and i cannot, i really cannot state how thankful i am that the universe allowed me to meet you. there would have been a significant chunk of my life missing if we had not met each other. and i’m thankful for every moment we spent together.

i still cannot make sense of what we are and what we will be in the future, but i wish you well. and i wish you all the happiness in the world.

[adlag]

like a candle,

brightly lit, coming down

slowly, drip by drip,

or the giving tree,

leaves, branches,

flowers, fruits, stem,

roots, wood and all;

or the rain

at 3 am,

gently trickling down

your bedroom window, lulling you

into peaceful slumber,

or a waterfall,

pouring down

with a current that cannot be stopped.

it gives, and it gives, and it gives.

all for you. all

for

you.

[adlag]

Hey.

It’s been 157 days, apparently. It’s just a number but... whew, just looking at that number exhausts me already.

I’m never stating this to you, not today, not ever, not anywhere, but it was so dizzying when we started talking. I was so scared of what’s gonna happen. Not because there was anything... but I didn’t realize at the time that I was so ready to start something.

I never thought that our conversation that one day about that one exam will continue until today. I never thought that this will mean that even with other people around at work, you’d still look for me and only me. I never thought that we’ll become such close friends that you asked me if I was busy when I didn’t show up to talk to you for a day.

Even though that’s... literally because you didn’t reply to my chat...

I’ll still be in denial though. I’m still going to say thank you, for being a very good friend, for being a helpful coworker that I know I can always go to when I have questions. No matter how stupid they are. Because I know damn well that I’ll be there for yours.

Just a very good friend, nothing more.

Because saying “love” feels icky on the tip of my tongue.

Because I would rather disappear than admit that I had butterflies when you asked me if I was busy and sent me a Zoom link the night before our risk management certification exam (even though it’s literally only for testing if your camera angle worked).

Because I am in a long term relationship with my current boyfriend, who I love very much, who I am willing to spend an entire lifetime with,

and saying that I talk about you with my friends and family,

and that I’ve been losing sleep for so many nights crying over you,

and that you were the reason I could barely concentrate in our classes (that annoyed you, I know),

it will mean destroying the picture-perfect future, this spotless, squeaky clean... life I’ve been building for myself,

It’s been eating me alive, and I don’t know how much longer I can withstand this by myself, but it’s the only option I have, and I brought this upon myself,

and some nights I am so close to throwing myself on the ground, word-vomiting it all onto you on WhatsApp, barely awake, barely conscious at 2 am, barely able to see my phone screen through my blurred eyes,

and some nights I am dying to know what it feels like to fall asleep in your arms, to have you sleeping right next to me,

but for now I am keeping it in a box, so neatly wrapped, so tightly closed.

love, love, love, lover, love, lover, love,

will never be mine, will never be yours.

[adlag]

We held hands last night.

I know this is supposed to be something that I have to keep to myself, because I can't and I won't willingly ever share this pain, this anguish? this sadness I have,

I know I'll have to hold it myself alone, until it subsides one day,

if it ever does,

and I'll go knowing that

at least, in my dream, or maybe somewhere in a universe that's not ours,

for one short, sweet moment,

I can call you mine.