#mymindscreation

[learning-patience]

OW, Ow, ow. mother fucking ow.

it fucking hurts... and i'm actually not very safe writing this on here but i don't have anywhere else to run. i'm alone. i'm lonely. i just noticed that.... it hit me so hard. the fact that no one can SHOW me the love that i show them. i don't fell loved by anyone at the moment... even my mother. all i hear is her sweet voice whispering that she loves me on the phone, while she is thousands of miles away. is it just me? i really don't know. am i just hard to show love to? i have bunch of friends who says that they are there for me but are not. i walk around alone, the dark streets of LA by my self. night after night. i just wander... i look for company but everyone is too busy with them selves.... i think i'm just too selfless and nice... haha its almost as if i'm just TOOO fucking nice. nice guys finish last... my singing, dancing, and being all sweet isn't enough to get me someone who i can love and cherish with all my being. i just find it so weird that EVERY fucking girl in the world wants a guy who hugs from back, kisses forehead, cuddles, sings for her on the guitar BUT they don't see that shit in me. what's even worse is that all the girls i like don't like me back but i don't like all the girls that like me... and guess what i want? i want someone who understands that i can make the next 7 months SUCH an amazing 7 months BUT that i'll leave at the end of summer. i don't get it.... my longest relationship was only 7 months anyways... sigh.... i think i'm just chasing a dream. fuck valentine's day. all these couples make all these single people jealous. fuck.... it hurts.... i haven't felt this much pain since yejee left me.... so my SUPER sweet plan of getting a rose, a balloon, and singing her a medley/mashup/ remix of all her favorite things song thing is a no go. i don't even want to go to school tmrw... i want to just get high af and go to the beach and trip out.... it sound WAY fucking better than being depressed all day. fuck fuck fuck fuck.... i swear i'm going to fucking cry like shit tmrw.... i'm going to hide my face so one, i don't disturb anyone, and two, so no one sees me cry like a little bitch.... haha but its good to cry at times you know? yup. i'm not bringing my ipod tmrw..... too many love songs to make me sad. sigh. fuck. i always get fucked over around v day. last day yejee left 3 days before v day... i feel like how i felt a year ago.... what the fuck? why does it hurt so much? i just don't get it.... ........ damn.... fuck this..... i don't want to think and write anymore..... shit fucking hurt beyond ...... beyond something.... i can't think of a word for it..... it just hurts.... loneliness hurts.... a lot.

[learning-patience]

This heart aching pain. I haven't felt it in a while. It hurts but I can smile knowing that I am not numb and can still feel. Looks like I'll go watch The Vow by myself tmrw. Hmmmmm. I still smile cuz I deserve to. Haha I'm being all emotional and gay and fuck. Fuck I'm a man. Haha. Calm down Steve. Calm down. You'll be okay.

[learning-patience]

slow down steve... this is where you mess up every time... tmrw's schedule: get cup and propose to go bowling.

[learning-patience]

You Are Just Too Perfect.

And that is why I groan. That which I feel cannot be given to you in words. Its is just not enough. Be my brush my darling. I'll take you in my hand and illustrate the most magnificent stoke the world has ever seen. That one stroke will show the streaks of our endeavours and trials. And within it, it'll cover us like the rain. Let me be your rain that filled the cracks of pains that he left. Let me deafen those pains with my thunderous roars of confession and I'll bring you new life as I pulse through you like lightening. My lips will only speak of the beauty that I see with my blinded eyes. I'll cover your glorious radiance with my arms, my clouds. And I give you the permission, to get lost as I soak you, dripping wet, with my caress. If you would be my Ally, I'll be your oh so dear Noah, and I'll hang from the highest bar of the biggest ferris wheel, on my pinky finger, just to catch your attention. And you'll scream, with fear and admiration, and accept my request, and we'll embark on a journey that will steal your breath away. Then I will fill your lungs, with happiness and fluffy pink cotton candy. It'll be sweet. So, I try and I try and I try, just so that soon I'll be good enough in your eyes, for you to give me, a try. 

[learning-patience]

And then there was one.

[learning-patience]

Friends come and go. They sometimes walk out if our lives. Then, they become memories, painful, regretful, thankful and even hateful memories. I have 5 months left in the US, hopefully, the memory of me will be a loving and a pleasant one to my friends and family.

[learning-patience]

i just watched one of Fluff's videos... My heart is pounding... oh why heart, you stupid piece of red flesh.

[learning-patience]

3x3

Bite, the smell penetrates me. I chew and I savor the combination of yellow goo and brown crumbles. The soul mates of food, meat and cheese, come to have an orgy in between my fingers, in between delicate bread. The grilled corpses of a veggie delight please me with a bursting tenderly collapse. The caustic sizzle of tart on my very sensitive tongue over power the sight. So, I eat the pickles first. I chomp down on this messy pile of pleasure, moistness, and sticky creation, again and again. I forget to chew, I forget to breathe. I am choked with joy, fuck, give me the milkshake. The vanilla Dráno dissolves and soothes and coats and sweetens. I find my self lost in this routine, chomp, sip, chomp, sip. I chomp, sip I chomp, sip and I ch..... I find my hand empty. Sitting in the back seat, I draw a napkin to wipe my mouth. I sip the rest of the way home, wondering when I'll have another In-and-Out burger again.