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War.

When they next get the miasma suppressed, I'll be going in for my third straight run into Lion's Arch. I should have gone back to the camp and helped out some more, but the truth is I'm tired. Redanvic has already tried to send me back to Source, which is half the reason I'm still here (and he should know that, is there some requirement for good looking people to be stupid?) but by the time we come out again I think even Redanvic will be eager to collapse into the grass. I do need to head back to the Source though. A short sleep, some regeneration time. Prove to Keiranon that I'm alive and well. I'm not sure if he's enjoying my commentary on Redanvic's backside, but it's keeping me mildly amused. We haven't found any further sign of Scamall, and to my knowledge, neither has Oaken's Vigil crew. The longer he's missing, the more uncomfortable I feel, and it bothers me that some might assume my sole reason for being here is to locate one idiot sylvari. Just because we were in an intimate relationship doesn't mean I'd throw myself into a war zone out of guilt, I'd like to set that straight. Lily asked me to lead the team before any of this happened, and though I initially came out here to find Scamall, these excursions are about much more than just finding him. There are still so many citizens trapped in there, so many people to help, and I cannot ignore them just because one that I know personally has gone missing in the chaos. But I guess that's just further proof that I did the right thing in breaking it off, there's no way I should be able to distance myself so easily from someone I truly love. It was difficult enough trying to focus on treating Trisbaine and Santii when Naniya and Vailynt were attending to Keiranon. No--if I loved Scamall the way I should have, I would be a wreck right now. I wouldn't be commanding teams into Lion's Arch. I'm worried. I'm not heartless, I just don't have a place for that worry when we're out there. I'm really hoping that it'll be Oaken's team who finds him, if he's there to be found. I don't want to be the one who rescues him, and I sure as Grenth's balls don't want to be the one who finds his body. The latter will just inspire others to pity me, and I don't want that. The former is complicated. Mnostovo's answer when I asked him what love was, I thought it was the most beautiful and poetic and perfect answer: the person you love is the one you want there when the world opens up to swallow you. I now have absolute proof that Scamall thought he was going to die, and I was the one he contacted, I was the one he apologised to. I was the one he confessed his love to, with what may well have been his last thought. I'm angry at him for it. If he died, he died loving me--and not being loved by me. If he's out there and clinging to life, and if (and I really do hope this is the case) he comes back and recovers--it's out there. The depth of his feeling for me, no longer some vague approximation, what he feels is strong, and much stronger than anything I ever felt for him. And here I am right now, writing a damned journal entry, thinking about the cot waiting for me in the infirmary, watching Redanvic strut around. He really is good looking. If I loved Scamall the way I should have, none of those things would be on my mind. I'd be throwing myself at the gate, miasma be damned. I just don't feel that way, and--hang on. Redanvic is trying to make me eat. Go away, human. I don't need your grubby sandwich. Oh. Apparently he's got orders. From Lily. Well fuck. Guess I'm eating a sandwich. Keiranon will be happy about that. He's got it into his head that I'm pushing myself too hard, and that was before I came out here for hours on end. As much as I want to be here helping, I want to be back there too. I've felt the call of my hunt a few times in my life, but I've never felt it call me in two different directions at once, and the whole thing is bloody confusing. When I'm here I feel like I'm moving forward with things, like every civilian that I get out of there is another one who was saved by a sylvari, another one who won't paint us all in that same shade of Scarlet. Hah. I'm pretty funny. But then after a while I have to go back. I can't do much when I do go back, except sleep, but that seems to be all I need to do. Attune to water and start pushing out the regeneration, help Keiranon's body to recover while I close my eyes. It doesn't make for the most refreshing sleep, even if I do get some of the regeneration effects myself, it's still a drain to run it for so long. Not to mention the frosting problem--I'm not sure how to counter that. Blankets didn't work, I near froze them on me. I don't sleep for long anyway. I've gone from having so much free time it drove me crazy, to not enough hours for all of the things I want and need to do. I'm just waiting for the point, though, where Keiranon has someone force me to leave and stop trying to heal him. And he'll think he's doing the right thing by me as well, stopping me from my own stubborn nature, but there's more to it than just a drive to heal. That's a big part of it, yes, but--where else do I have to go? My apartment is empty. That extra space in the bed is a reminder that not only is Scamall missing, but that I managed to break his heart as well. And no soldier comes back from any war without memories they'd rather not have, the sorts of things that are easier to step around in the daylight but much harder to ignore in the night. It doesn't feel safe, alone in my room with my thoughts to keep me company--so when I reach out to Keiranon my reasons are as selfish as they are stubborn. I like the physical reminder that he's there, that someone is, I like having that safety net while my brain breaks down all that I've seen and experienced through the day and works through it. He says he's sorry for not knowing what to say, but he doesn't need to be. I know that if something comes up that is too much, too horrible for me to process, that he'll listen. I know that he'll look at me, and he'll say 'Shit, Sadri. I'm sorry.' and I'll feel better because someone else knows what's upsetting me. Lily and I would have the same sort of talks after traumatic missions, and it always helped. Just having someone there to listen if I need it. For the most part, I cope well with the intensity of war. But that doesn't mean I don't have the odd moment where I need that reassurance that someone else is there. So while Keiranon's cooped up in the infirmary, I've got that excuse. After that, I don't know--I'll figure something out. Redanvic's motioning for me to finish up, the gates are opening soon. Hopefully we'll find something out, and hopefully we pull a lot of citizens through again. Hopefully is really all we've got right now. We're all here to save Lion's Arch and do our duty, but each soldier has a deeper, more personal reason for fighting, and for coming home. And right now? Mine is a rock-hard infirmary cot and a few hours contact with my favourite one-armed person while we both heal.