the character who haunts the narrative except the narrative is my life and the character is my childhood best friend who i had a falling out with at the end of my senior year
Ava didn’t remember much of that day. She had been running on fumes, her head jumbled before she had even gotten out of bed. She spent all week bouncing between surgery and the ED, the holiday season meaning so many more people were involved in accidents. She was needed downstairs, to treat angina brought on by high cholesterol and to give surgical consults for patients upon patients. A grandma with CAD, a child with a congenital heart defect whose pacemaker was malfunctioning, even a teen who had a fork just barely miss his carotid after a Christmas argument went wrong. There was so much to do and too many things going on; Ava was tired.
She didn’t remember getting home, couldn’t remember driving or walking into the apartment. Maybe that should have concerned her more but she just didn’t notice really. She could hear Sarah but her words weren’t discernable. She felt gentle hands tug her work bag off her shoulder, setting it aside and moving to remove her coat. She knew her girlfriend must be speaking, trying to get her attention, but Ava couldn’t focus. Everything felt oddly far away, an echo of the real world as her brain fought through too much input at once.
She was led to their bedroom, a light feeling on the small of her back told her Sarah was guiding her. She felt safe, knew Sarah was with her, even if she couldn’t respond. Her brain tried to break through the fog, to say anything, but she just couldn’t. She watched languidly as she gently tugged the scrub top off her body, careful hands unclasping her bra and helping her pull her comfort sweater on. Sarah was gentle, always so loving, her hands never wandering as she helped her redress. Ava knew she was okay, Sarah would protect her; she didn’t need to be alert anymore.
Even when the other woman helped her lay down, she wasn’t able to say anything. She wanted to, to thank her and remind Sarah that she did love her; but the words died before they could even escape. Everything had been too much that week and her brain was shutting down to protect her. She needed a break, nothing felt real anymore. The only reason she knew this was real was because Sarah was there and she was taking care of her. She was always there.
Those gentle hands were back on her face this time, skin slightly cracked from the harsh Chicago winter and hospital sanitizers. They were soft all the same, familiar and making Ava feel at home. She was home; she was safe. Sarah would make sure of that, she always did.
She was talking again, Ava could see her lips moving and knew she must be asking a question. Her ear plugs were held up, which she nodded at. She loved Sarah’s voice but she needed the silence in that moment. She couldn’t listen anymore, it was all too much. The foam was pushed into her ears as carefully as possible, light fingers caressing her jaw as they pulled back again. As the bombardment of auditory input ceased, Ava felt her brain calm down. She was still floating, somewhere between alert and amidst a shutdown, but she could focus a bit better. Four senses was less than five after all, a little less chaos for her tired brain to decipher.
She was pulled down into a gentle hug, chapped lips brushing against her cheekbone. She smiled at that, Sarah’s familiar scent surrounding her and her touch bringing her back to the present. She was there, always, to keep Ava calm. Everything was Sarah in that moment, every gentle caress of her hair and the sweet scent of her perfume on her sweater. The way arms tugged her into an embrace, cheek against her chest and the soft vibrations of her speaking soothing her without words. Sarah had her, that she knew, she always did. Even when she was floating in her dissociation, a defence mechanism after a weeks worth of chaos, she knew where she was. Her brain wasn’t ready to come back to reality but her body was safe, her girlfriend would make sure of that. Ava didn’t feel anything but peace as she let her eyes flutter closed, surrendering to the rhythmic beating of Sarah’s heart against her cheek and her hands holding her safe.
She was floating but she didn’t mind; Ava had never felt more safe than in that moment.
So they are going to keep mom for tonight becausee she has an infection in her ear that is causing her pain and on top of that, my dad has been throwing up and coughing violently too.. I just can't win with today..
I feel I've grown impatient and frustrated to where no matter how small the annoyance is... i can feel myself getting angry. I don't want that. It's not me. It's due to work and home life and I really want to be much better than this. Anyone have any tips on being peaceful and calm? Thanks x
