#neosolipsism

[neosolipsism]

Let your veins spill the colours of the earth

Let the angels drink their fill.

Getting drunk on the joys of your youth,

Let no one silence your mouth.

You are sunshine!

A brilliant goddess of desire

And nothing shall withstand your almighty glow.

Everywhere you dance the world smiles back in delight

And darkness is banished by your tread.

You trade beauty for might and your wisdom conquers all greed.

With you there is no nurture of evil deeds.

Dance on sweet princess through the dew of your innocence

Carry on your sunbeams into the night

And may your light shine through into my dreams

[neosolipsism]

“I’m sorry for existing in a way that was inconvenient to your narrative”

[neosolipsism]

“Send me pictures of your life”

So you can comfort yourself and make believe that I’m doing well. That you made the right choice and I’m finally taking care of myself. So you can look at all the crazy wonderful beautiful things I do and smile as you think about me doing them. So you can ease your guilt and tell yourself it was me who would leave all along. So you can tell yourself that I’ll be okay and it wasn’t all that bad after all.

Okay.

But I won’t send you pictures of the six hours I spent sitting in the dark considering bleach as a chaser for Jack.

I won’t send you pictures of the notes I write, saying goodbye to all the people I’ve ever loved

Or of the little pieces of steel I’ve taken to carrying around with me, in the hopes that they’ll be convenient when that little irritation finally gets the better of me.

I will send you beautiful pictures of art, of cliff faces, and the ocean.

Of hermit crabs and dinosaurs, old cigarettes and shitty motels.

The dirty grit of life you made me love so much.

I will send you pictures of my life and wait for hours for responses I know you think of but never send. I will send you pictures of my life and you will believe that this is real and everything is fine

And I won’t spoil the daydream by sending you pictures of my death

[neosolipsism]

And in the end, I was nothing special at all. I was just a girl who loved a boy, very, very much.

[neosolipsism]

There is a certain lightness to how I woke up this morning-

An easiness in the way I opened my eyes

A peacefulness in the way I breathed

Like little imps had danced through the room while I slept

Painting my eyelids with blossoms of hope—

This life will grow into something beautiful

There will be so much more to come

We will continue building what we started