It’s time for another How To Hero guest post, where we let one of your favorite superheroes give you advice in an area they’re an expert in. As you may recall, the last time we sent out a call to the superhero community to see if anyone would be interested in coming onto our blog we only got one response. However, after the last guest post resulted in Professor Paleontologist being called out for being a loser on the internet, a lot more people expressed interest in coming on. Apparently, they believe that every time someone does a guest post in will result in Professor Paleontologist being called out by our fans. Which is... well, we’re not about to explain to them why that’s a poor reading of the situation. So, without further ado, it’s guest post number two!
Golems
by: Rockblock
Golems are possibly the most important invention in the history of the world. That’s right, more important than sliced bread, more important than your precious smart phones, even more important than chairs I’d say. Chairs aren’t actually that important you know. There’s basically no reason for them. Why can’t you just sit on the ground? What are you afraid of getting your pants dirty? Can’t get any dirt on your precious slacks? Well I’m made of dirt and let me tell you, dirt is better than pants. And you can quote me on that. The first golems were created to defend minority and marginalized communities from bigots and evil spirits and they served with honor. The earliest ones were made from stone, just like me! So they had a special affinity for the natural world. They were attuned to the moods of nature and could call upon the Earth to aid them in their tasks. They were the greatest heroes the world had ever known and any accounts that portray them as ticking time bombs or monsters just waiting for an excuse to lose control and let loose are anti-golem propaganda, no doubt produced by the very same bigots the golems were created to combat.
While these early golems were noble and powerful they were also very crude. They certainly didn’t possess the wherewithal or eloquence to dictate this blog post to a scrawny man with tiny fingers. They were crafted from mud and rock by people who were not professionals at doing so and so they looked very scary, which was fine, as their purpose was to scare away those who might wish to do their community harm. After the original generation of golems began to erode and retired from their post they were granted the secrets and magicks with which they were created, so that they could go on to create new golem life and continue their species. The second generation of golems were also made with stones, the age of experimentation that has resulted in golems made from other materials had not yet arrived, but they were not pigeonholed into predetermined roles like their progenitors. These golems were free to work in a variety of fields. You had golem ice cream men and courtroom stenographers and opera singers. This is a tradition that has persisted to this day. The guy who does my taxes is a mud golem named Murk. Although he was not created through the traditional golem-creating methods of shoveling a big pile of dirt together and putting a slip of paper with some powerful words or names into the middle of it.
Golems like Murk are not at all uncommon. While the golem race has primarily persisted through the passing down of golem magic, there are plenty of golems out there whose existence owes nothing to these ancient practices. Like Murk, several golems are the results of implausible science, mad or otherwise. The golem race actually owes a great deal to those science blokes, as they possessed a degree of creativity and ingenuity that was foreign to our ancestors. Mad science doesn’t ask “how has this been done before” they ask themselves “how can we do something new” regardless of whether or not that new thing is sane or safe. Because of this they’ve made great strides when it comes to creating new golems. Golems have been made out of everything you can think of from asbestos to rubber bands. These golems have, by and large, been accepted into the mainstream golem community. After all, we’ve got fighting bigots in our blood, we’re not about to discriminate against golems just because they’re made from tangerines instead of dirt from Prague.
However, far be it from me to claim that all of my brethren fight for the ideals of my ancestors as I do. Some golems are bent on world domination, or have a knack for petty crime, or were created by and are therefore under the control of bona fide supervillains. I can’t count on my fingers the number of times a superhero has been trounced by a rogue golem because they didn’t know what they were getting themselves into. And I’ve got seven hands, so you know it happens a lot. Now, if you’re not a superhero, and you just plan on going out and fighting some golems, I bid you to stop reading now. These tips are not for you. If you pick a fight with a golem for no reason, I will come and slap you. And I’ve got seven hands. And they’re made of stone. So consider yourself warned.
If you find yourself fighting a golem it’s important to take stock of exactly what kind of golem you’re up against. As I believe I’ve made abundantly clear new two golems are ever exactly alike. The first thing you should observe, obviously, is what material they’re made of. A lot of your fighting strategy is going to revolve around this. If they’re made of stone you’re going to have to use brute force. A lot of it. But also not too much. If you punch too hard you’re going to find yourself dealing with a sand golem pretty soon and those are nearly impossible to fight. Not to mention they get everywhere. Especially inside the double wrapped sandwich you had hidden in your backpack. You want to hit them hard enough to knock them on their back but not hard enough to break them. Once they’re on their back you’ll find that they’re going to have a hard time getting back up. They’re quite heavy. I recommend somehow heating up the street they’re on and encasing them in tar so that they can’t move and continue their rampage or crime spree. If they’re made of something flammable use a fire to scare them off. If they’re made of something perishable just wait for good ol’ father time to take care of them. If they’re made of something intangible or philosophical such as ennui or the difference between milk chocolate and white chocolate then they’re not technically a golem and you’re on your own.
Certain golems also might have unique anatomical features that might trip you up in a battle. As you know, I have seven arms which means I can punch up to seven people at one time. If you’re one superhero going up against a golem with many hands, you’re going to need to be quicker than them to avoid all those extra fists. This shouldn’t be too difficult, golems don’t tend to be very quick, but it’s something you need to be aware of. There’s also a good chance that the golem you’re going to be fighting is going to be a lot larger than you. Historically speaking, golems tend to be as large as the amount of rocks the villagers can pile on top of each other. These days, with the use of construction vehicles or super strong superhumans, golems can be absolutely massive. Think of New Golem, the towering rock monster, that guy’s gotta be like fifty, sixty feet tall. Maybe seventy feet tall. I don’t know. I don’t have a ruler handy and my eyes are rocks. But he’s quite large, and he’s got rock breath. He can shoot a high-velocity stream of rocks from his mouth. When dealing with a giant golem it’s best to use their size, weight, and heft against them. The bigger they are the harder they fall and the quicker you are the more likely they’ll be thrown off balance and be knocked out by their own fall.
Of course, when dealing with a golem your best bet is really to seek the help of another golem. Golems can relate with one another on a level that humans simply can’t. We know where they’re coming from, we too were once thrust into a world we didn’t understand after spending most of our existence as a collection of loosely affiliated inanimate objects. Many golems are simply lashing out of fear, especially if they were created by groups outside of the golem community. Newborn golems in our communities are taken care of and taught about the world before being sent out to follow their dreams, but a creation of mad scientist, or a cult, or a freak weather incident, doesn’t necessarily have those social skills. So if you ever run into a rampaging golem, call me. I’ll block that rock.