Parliamentary Monkey Business
Inspiration: Buzzfeed’s “40 People Have Been Hired By India’s Parliament to Act Like Langurs and Scare Monkeys”
Tell me about yourself.
My name is Khabi, I’m 14 years old, and I’ve been part of the Delhi Defense Squad for about 10 years now. I just became Lieutenant last year, actually. That was one of my big career goals…I don’t know why, but I really liked the title Langur Lieutenant.
Why did you join the force?
I never really thought about anything else, really. It was kind of a rite of passage in my troupe. The moms loved to dress us up in little play uniforms and all the little langurs would play “Langurs and Macaques”, where we’d practice our screams and stick waving techniques. Plus there was the excitement of getting to go to human city.
What had you heard about the city?
Not much, in retrospect. I knew a very select few would actually make it out of Colobus College and that they’d help the humans protect some building from the macaque menace. I guess that building is where all the dad humans go decide all the troupe rules? Humans must have giant troupes to have that many dads. In general I do notice way more dads than there should be, it’s almost like half the population! How are there so many babies still?
They aren’t “dads” in your sense, they’re representatives. There’s a few from each region and they get together and make rules for all the other humans to follow. And about half the population potentially are dads and half moms - our troupes are much smaller and usually one mom stays with one dad.
Have you ever thought about going back to be a daddy langur, or do you plan to remain part of the force?
Human dads sound like have it way easier. I never really considered going back an option, since there could only be one daddy langur, and the force seemed like a better option than going out and finding a troupe to take over. Troupe take overs are hard, especially as a new silver coat. It’s pretty obvious to everyone that your moms still groom your coat. You can always tell the difference between a mom groom and a subordinate groom.
Do you have a subordinate groom?
[scoffs] Obviously. Look at how clean I am. The moms used to always claim grooming was for bonding, but I don’t have time for that and keeping these unruly macaques inline. I need military anti-flea precision to stay this shiny.
It is quite the nice coat.
Thank you.
You’re welcome.
What do you know about the macaques?
Those mongrels are giving us civilized monkeys a bad name. They go around begging for chaat and biting people. Biting people! Granted, some humans are dumb and think Hanuman was just some rando monkey, but really? We langurs are literally called Hanuman langurs. the language could not be more clear.
But is that just because humans named you after Hanuman? If they’re mixing you guys up now who can say they didn’t when painting pictures of him?
Unclear.
What?
Unclear.
What’s unclear?
Humans.
Fair enough. You said earlier that you were guarding a specific building?
Yes, where all the…not dads meet.
Parliament?
Yes. The macaques have got the area overrun.
But only a few of you guys get through the academy in the first place. If the macaques have Parliament overrun, couldn’t more langurs be pushed through?
The academy is no laughing matter. It takes two whole years to get through. You learn how to scream and run, like in the games we used to play, but also more dangerous things, like learning how to ride a bicycle.
Bicycle? Dangerous? And you ride them?
Well, you ride with your person who is riding the bicycle.Your person tells you which macaques were bad. The hardest part is making sure your tail doesn’t get stuck anywhere.
I can see that. What do you think of the humans being hired in the place of langurs?
I hope they know what they’re up against. The macaques may be small and scatter pretty easily, but if they already are biting people, then they will bite more people. Cause that was a proven strategy.
You aren’t afraid of macaque bites?
Tit for tat, if it comes to it. [Khabi bears his teeth in a menacing smile, exposing some formidable canines of his own]
I’ve taken up a lot of your time here, so I’ll wrap it up with a last, kind of fun, question.What’s been a strange thing you’ve noticed while living in the human city?
Humans set all their food on fire before they eat it, and they like to mix everything together seemingly randomly. Mine likes to share something called “speenich” with me. The leaves are always so small and sad after being set on fire, which I guess makes sense.
Thanks for talking to me Lieutenant Khabi. keep up the good work.
Thanks for having me!