#niin ode

[bimaabiig]

His constant lying about relapses is my fault. He says my reaction is the same if he lies vs is honest so that's why he lies. I don't know how to not feel anything about it. That's the only acceptable reaction to him: no reaction other than to pat him on the head and tell him that it's okay that he's gaslighting me and cheating on me with no end to the behavior in sight. Things are never going to get better. And since I'm an old ugly gay trans man, this marriage is my only/last chance at companionship and my dream of a family.

[bimaabiig]

Finally putting these side by side so that everyone can see what I mean when I say my husband is a straight-up Jack Black doppelganger 🤣

[bimaabiig]

5 years apart these posts were.

[bimaabiig]

Card reading for @chungus-supreme 3/11/24

Issue at hand: hermit (reverse)

Isolation and loneliness, you need to find a balance between introspection and letting people in past the walls that you have had up all of your life that prevent true emotional intimacy. Challenges in the relationship that are relationship-ending, yet neither party wants to call it quits. Reconciliation and reconnection desired.

Past influences: wheel of fortune (upright)

Cycles. You had kept repeating mistakes over and over. What goes around comes around and that karmic justice finally came a-knocking.

Present: knight of swords (reverse)

Lack of focus. The want of action without a place to put all of that energy. It needs an outlet until the proper path can be taken. You are impulsive and take others down with you on that. If you don't pace yourself, you will burn out. You need freedom and independence. With the other cards around it, this probably means taking your own initiative and not waiting for someone else to tell you how to fix things.

Future outlook: emperor (upright)

Being the father figure and head of household, the one who guides and teaches. You must be deliberate and systematic with your approach. Plan out in detail and follow through.

[bimaabiig]

How it started (grindr hookup. This pic was after our 3rd? hookup. Sent it to Emery saying I was with my "boy thing" since I wasn't sure how to label it cause we weren't officially dating) vs how it's going (married with a new baby)

@chungus-supreme

[bimaabiig]

One of the hardest things about navigating this thing with my husband's porn and cybersex addiction that was starting to leak into real life is that it's making me dysphoric and doubtful about his attraction to me. Like, on one hand he's highly fetishized trans folk and poc in his consumption. But it's also most of the porn I've been purging from his accounts is girls (cis and trans)with only a slight sprinkle of really really femme cis guys. Any ftm content usually has to do with forced detransition or it's guys without top surgery. So now my brain is telling me that my husband has secretly been a kinky straight guy this whole time just masquerading as a bi male adjacent person, and either he sees me as a girl or he's just not attracted to me.

Logic brain points out that now that he's not consuming massive amounts of porn and harboring intense shame over lies and secrets, and is focusing his libedo and time on me(and letting me fulfill his kinks, which I always was willing to do and told him as much but he felt ashamed to ask me to) that the sex is better than its ever been, and he gets excited over me just cleaning the house in booty shorts. But the years of gaslighting me about his infidelity has it so I can't really trust my logic brain anymore...

[bimaabiig]

Family picture waiting on trick or treaters! I wanted to paint the John marston scars on his face so we could both be video game characters, but he told me he was fine being a generic cowboy, lol

[bimaabiig]

We went to the annual sugar Bush festival this morning. I love him so much.