anyway, i have been on an ichi kick (sorry if ichi having a panic attack is ooc, i felt self-indulgent) !!! enjoy this ichmatsu/reader i wrote at midnight after listening to anything by adrianne lenker on repeat !!! lol
He tried not to show this side around you, or around anyone for that matter. Even his own brothers.
But life had a sick sense of humor, fate deciding for you to walk into the small closet he hid into at that exact moment.
Ichimatsu’s struggled breathing worsened as fat tears rolled down his cheeks, his breath desperately trying to stay as steady as possible.
His efforts ultimately failed however when he started to whimper, his hands to his head as he slid his back down the wall, his eyes daring not to look back at you.
His ears pounded, drowning out your panicked voice calling out to him.
He tried to focus on his breathing, not even noticing you were now on your knees in front of him, his body shook as his hands gripped his hair tightly as to take out his frustration that you were seeing him like this.
God he’s so pathetic, how could he have let this happen?
You, out of all people, should not have to deal with him and his “problems”.
He was better off alone, he knew it. You were gonna leave him for this, and it was all his fault for not hiding it better.
His mind raced thoughts a mile per second as he shook violently trying not to sob, god he wished he could just shrivel away right there.
He’d be better off that way anyway.
“Ichimatsu!”
His cynical thoughts were interrupted by his name leaving your lips, his lip quivered as his eyes locked to yours.
Your hands gently grabbed his face, the worrisome look in your eyes made him slightly wince. He didn’t want you to worry about something as stupid as this, god he was so selfish.
He tried to speak, but all that came out were gasps for air mixed with strained wails.
“Oh Ichi, it’s gonna be ok… Try to breathe with me, okay?”
He did an attempt to nod as he struggled to take deep breaths with you.
In… And out…
Hiccups filled the air as you both breathed together, your hands moved down to his as his palms shook against yours.
“Anything else you want me to try?”
Your voice was gentle as your thumbs rubbed against the backs of his hands.
“T-Talking…”
His voice was rough, you tilted your head.
“Try talking, I like your voice…”
“Oh. Ok, what do you want me to talk about?”
“Anything… Please…”
Your gaze softened, he liked the sound of your voice. Your cheeks flushed as you nodded.
“I can do that, um, whenever I witness your eyes looking into mine, I get all giddy…”
His cheeks were now flushed alongside yours, really?
THAT’S what you chose to talk about?
Not that he’s complaining, it’s definitely distracting, but also embarrassing at the same time.
“I love how I can listen and feel your hands soothe as soon as they touch mine…”
The pounding sound in his ears was slowly dying down as his tears weakened.
“When we are together, I love listening to your heartbeat, the calming rhythm and your warmth threatening me to fall into slumber.”
Any other time, he would want to die of embarrassment, flipping his hood up to hide his flushed face and ears.
This was not one of those times. All he could focus on were your sincere words.
“With you by my side, I know I’ll be ok. Even something as small as the sound of your blinking is enough to help, knowing you are here with me helps put my mind at ease.”
“You can stop…”
Ichimatsu looked off to the side, not even daring to make eye contact. Although, the small squeeze he gave your hands, you had a hunch he didn’t want you to stop, not at all.
“You didn’t deserve to see that, I don’t deserve you.”
Your gaze softened as you squeezed his hands in return, “I love you Matsuno Ichimatsu, and that means every part of you, even the ones you don’t want me to see.”
Tears threatened his eyes once more, he didn’t know if they were tears of joy or panic like from before.
You gently wrapped your arms around him as he buried his face into your shoulder, letting out his muffled sobs into your shirt.
His throat was raw from crying, his form shaking in your arms as you both sat there on the ground of the small closet in the Matsuno household.
It was like that for a few minutes, his sobs died down as he continued to hold you in return.
“Sorry… I got tears all over you…”
You softly chuckled as he pulled away, using his jacket sleeve to wipe his face.
“Don’t be, you needed that.”
He couldn’t help but crack a smile.
“Yeah… I guess I did.”
You patted your lap as you laid your back against the wall, he blinked in surprise as he obliged with your strange request.
Laying his head against your legs, he looked up at you as your fingers played with his hair.
“You don’t have to hide y’know.”
“Ehh…?”
“You heard me, I want to help you anyway I can when you have panic attacks.”
Oh yeah, that…
He looked away from you, but didn’t pull away from your touch.
“Tch, no you don’t. It’s a bother, I know it.”
“You’re so stubborn you know that?”
Your soft laughs filled the small space, oh how he adored your laugh.
“Whether you like it or not, I’m not going anywhere Ichimatsu. You’re stuck with me, forrreverrr.”
Ichimatsu let out a small chuckle, maybe he liked the idea of forever with you.
Maybe one day, he’d be able to admit that to you.
