this is going under the cut but it’s not inherently negative so don’t worry!
okay. so.
gender has always confused me so much. i do so many things more typical of "boys”, but at the same time, i've only JUST recently learned that it's okay to be feminine. i have finally learned that there isn't anything wrong with liking dresses or lipstick, but then i simultaneously hate my body, I want to be flat, I want a lower voice. i don't understand any of it at all. i love looking feminine, but at the same time, i want the body of a boy??
like this is very TMI but i’ve always had a hard time doing normal sexual things with partners -- i recently started identifying as ace, because yeah i guess so? but it’s honestly more about my fear of sex because of judgements about my body. i’ve had partners try to go down on me and i just start crying lmao. i cannot handle it at all. it’s frustrating! i want to look cute, certainly, but cute in a way that... doesn’t really fit with the way i currently look.
i’ve been kinda describing it in my head as though i’m a boy wanting to be a girl, which is of course not accurate, and even more confusing to me. i was born female! of course it’s societally acceptable for me to like wearing skirts! but i also never shave my legs, i never wear makeup other than lipstick, i oftentimes try to wear baggier t-shirts to hide my curves??? what the fuck is going on with me. lol.
idk man. gender is SO confusing. i didn’t even know that what i was feeling WAS dysphoria before tumblr and the social justice movement expanded my worldview. i thought it just tied into the rest of my mental health problems. but this brand of unhappiness is kinda specifically about my body and the way people address me and???? idk anymore.
as i said, this isn’t inherently negative. i’m mostly just thinking about things with my current knowledge as opposed to what i thought was true ten years ago. gender isn’t a binary! it’s a spectrum! i don’t have to “fit” anywhere. i can be okay as “mostly female” while still wanting more masculine physical features! it’s totally okay. gender is a societal concept and i don’t have to conform to it if i don’t want to.
so... i think i might try out just... dressing to be comfortable in my own body. referring to myself internally as ‘they.’ seeing where things go.
