Ours are the moments I play in the dark — Oh Sehun
sypnosis: you and him can pretend all you want, but you both know that he and you will come running right back to each other in the end. because he’s the only who gets you and no one can see him the way you do.
word count: 5.2k+ (i got a little carried away)
content and warnings: sfw, non-idol au, Sehun x fem!reader, angst, commitment issues, alcohol consumption, cussing, implied past alcoholism, toxic dynamic, themes of loneliness, Sehun’s low-key a jerk, reader is too, reader is an avoidant girly, implied daddy issues, they’re both lonely and fucked up people, misogynistic behaviour (not from sehun), slightly suggestive, making out, a bit of kissing, nothing wild.
author’s note: first fic omg! please be kind, I’m writing after such a long time, and first time on tumblr :) this is very self-indulgent. please keep in mind that english is not my first language so i apologise for any grammatical mistakes or spelling errors, but i’m open to any tips. there are barely any sehun fics here on tumblr and so i decided to take matters into my own hands lol, hope you all like it. this is loosely inspired by the lorde song “supercut” and by the billie eilish song “bitches broken hearts”. feedback is really appreciated <3
The rain pattered down lightly on the floor-to-ceiling windows of the dark apartment, there was an air of melancholy in the cold and dark space.
Sehun’s fingers hovered over the screen on the call button, debating within himself if he should just call you and call you over. The hollow ache in his chest was intense today—like it sometimes tend to get in moments like these, when he sat all alone and realized that he truly had no one to turn to.
He remembered your words from last weekend when he was over at your place, you both were nothing—not friends, not together, not even fuckbuddies. You both didn’t want to give it a name at all.
“I mean, it’s not like we’re anything.”
You had said easily, and Sehun even chuckled and agreed. But it seemed that you were not into it anymore, you didn’t want the push and pull of it all anymore.
That’s where you were tonight, on a date with some guy who Sehun didn’t know and you said you wanted this all to be over with Sehun. He knew you were putting yourself out now, but he still needed you here, and he knew that you’d never turn him down.
Against his friends’ advice and his own better judgement, he texted you.
A frustrated sigh left your lips as you fixed your lipgloss in the mirror of the restaurant’s restroom—your date was a dick, your luck even bigger of a bitch. But you were still tolerating it all, anything to get Sehun off of your mind. You took a deep sigh and ran a hand through your hair, ready to go back outside for the dessert you had just ordered.
Seriously, you were dreading going back outside but you were just hoping to get some action with the guy, even if all he could seem to do was talk about how much of a ‘high value man’ he was and how he believed women of this generation should dress more feminine.
You grabbed your handbag, pulling it over your arm when your phone pinged in your hand suddenly—your heart hammered in your chest, there was a vague idea in your head of who was texting you on a Tuesday night. And you were afraid that if you checked the text, you wouldn’t have it in you to not run right to him.
A shaky sigh left your lips.
You turned the phone to yourself. There it was. His name on your lock screen. With a simple text message.
Sehun: Hi. wyd?
A silent war waged in your head and in your heart, if you answered his text, he would send you a simple ‘please’ and you wouldn’t be able to stop your feet from running to his apartment.
You: nothing what do you want, sehun?
You stared at your phone in the dim light of restroom, waiting for the reply, the dessert long forgotten. Then it suddenly hit you, the man you were on a date with was still outside and very much probably waiting for you.
Fuck Sehun and whatever he wants. You thought to yourself and put your phone in your handbag, for the final time you ran a hand through your hair and took a deep sigh.
You were just gonna get this date done with. Couldn’t be so hard.
With a soft and polite smile plastered on your face, you walked out of the restroom and to the table he was sat at. You didn’t even remember what his name was. Smoothly, you slid into your seat, passing him a small smile as he asked what took you so long in the restroom and how he was worried that you’d took off. You waved off his question with some stupid excuse.
Damn, you were a shitty date.
The sight of no dessert on the table made you frown, you had ordered a mousse before going to the restroom.
“Um, did they not bring my mousse yet?” Your tone was confused as you stared at your date with an expectant look in your eyes.
He laughed and shook his head, “Oh no, I think you’ve had enough, no? I told them to not bring the dessert when you were in the restroom. I don’t think you need to eat more.”
Was this guy joking or what? He couldn’t possibly serious about this, you felt like slapping him hard across the face to wipe off his smug and toothy smile.
Taking a deep sigh, you pushed your anger down and nodded with a forced smile. Just get it done with. There was absolutely no point arguing with this asshole who thought he could dictate how much you should eat or not. Since there was no dessert coming, the date came to an end quickly which you were thankful for. There was no words to describe your surprise when he asked you split the bill with him, but you just wanted to get out of here so you pulled out a wad of cash and put it in the bill.
Stepping out of restaurant and in the cool night air along with him was barely any relief—Sehun was still in the back of your mind, you wanted to check your phone to see if he had texted you back. Or did he apologise for how things had been going downhill between you both, maybe he didn’t text you at all and you were the one who was think—
“I think you’re nice but just not the girlfriend type, you know?” Your date suddenly said to you, pulling you out of your thoughts.
Wow. The fucking audacity. You were late to tell him to fuck off first and how you hated the way the whole date had went, you wanted to tell him how this was the worst date you’d ever been on in your whole life. But he had opened his mouth first.
“No, I don’t. What do you even mean by that?” You tried your hardest to keep the bitterness out of your tone as you tried to assert over him a little.
“I mean,” he chuckled like it was funny and made a vague gesture to you with his hands. When you raised your eyebrows at him, silently demanding him to continue, he sighed and opened his mouth again, spewing a bunch of bullshit, “look, you don’t seem the type to date. You’re one those girls that one can never imagine in a relationship.”
Oh.
That affected you more than you’d liked to show.
This was the eighth time in your life someone had said this to you, and you absolutely hated this idea of being someone who could never be in a relationship.
“Right, anything else?” This time though, your voice was harsh and bitter as you scoffed at him, “it’s not like I’m dying to date you or something. Fuck off,” you turned on your heel and just walked onto the street. You could hear him calling you a bitch and a gold digger as you walked away, what a weird and entitled guy.
When you fell into a steady rhythm of steps on the sidewalk, you slowly pulled out your phone from your handbag for the obvious reason. You stared at the lock screen time—it wasn’t so late, the time read 11:28 PM.
And then you stared quietly at the bottom of the screen, where there was a message notification from Sehun. What were you doing? You told yourself you were over this weird routine you and him had going on. He was cryptic and eccentric.
But so were you. You didn’t want commitment or that whole nuisance—yet you craved being loved, and in an arrangement like this, there wasn’t such a thing as love. You both just have to make do with what was going on between each other.
Then you stared down at your lock screen again, at the text he had sent you to your question ‘what do you want?’. Damn this man, he always made you throw your rational thoughts out of the window.
Sehun: you. please?
And while, you were a cold and aloof person all the time and never put up with anyone’s bullshit. You still couldn’t stop yourself from the decision you were about to make.
Sehun’s stood in the middle of the kitchen, his fingers traced the edge of the kitchen’s countertop idly, the silence was deafening in his darkened apartment. He was losing hope. You weren’t gonna come tonight, were you? Seemed like you were really gonna distance yourself away from him.
Did your date turn out to be great? He wondered if you were with that man right now, had he laid his hands on you yet? Sehun’s mind spiralled with at vision of you with another man. He knew he was a jerk when he felt the slightest twinge of jealousy at the thought of a man—someone other than him, touching you. He had no right, now, did he.
Maybe, he was meant to be like this. All alone in the end. Without even much thinking, he dug his hands in one of the kitchen cupboards and pulled out a glass along with the bottle of vodka he kept there for this exact reason. He didn’t didn’t want to go back to his old ways, especially the ones that caused him great deal of damage.
Yet he couldn’t bring himself to think about that right now.
But his hands shook as he poured himself the vodka in the glass—to the brim, neat. His grip on the glass was tight as he lifted it up and brought it to his lips, taking a big swig of it. The alcohol burned its way down his throat and he sighed deeply, almost unaffected by it.
A pang of irritation hit him as he thought about his high alcohol tolerance and realized that it takes him more than usual alcohol to at least quieten the noise in his head. With a loud groan, he leaned over the countertop, pressing his forehead down on the cold marble of the top.
Fuck this, he was a mess, he thought to himself.
He was drifting deep into his self-deprecating voices when a knock at the front door pulled him out of his thoughts.
Not the doorbell, no. But a soft and impatient knocking. Like whoever was on the other side was almost second guessing on knocking the door.
He straightened up so fast he almost got whiplash, his hands hastily ran through his hair to fix them a little, his hands patting repeatedly on the zip-up hoodie he was wearing to fix it a little.
Sehun cursed himself when he felt his knees going a little shaky as he walked to the door, internally praying to himself that it was none other than you.
His prayers had definitely been heard when he peeked through the peephole of the door and found you standing there, staring at your feet quietly. Sehun couldn’t believe the speed at which his hands unlocked the door and pulled the door open. Standing face to face with you.
You stuffed your hands in the pocket of your jacket, your clothes and hair were slightly damp with the light rain that had been pouring since the evening. Shifting from one foot to another, you both just stared at each other.
Sehun seemed to notice that your mascara was a bit smudged, had you been crying? Maybe it was from the rain. He looked you over—taking in your outfit, you were dressed a little formally, of course, a silk button-up shirt under the leather jacket paired with brown pants. You had been on a date so it made sense.
“Uh, come in,” he finally seemed to snap out of his thoughts as stepped aside for you come in.
You stepped in with ease like you’d belonged here—you’d been here several times so it wasn’t wrong to say that. Your eyes scanned the area, there was barely any lighting on in the apartment. The curtains were drawn open from all windows, the only lighting in the living room coming from the city’s lights through the windows.
“Your friend told that you had a date today, how’d it go?” He asked nonchalantly, closing the door and locking it as you made your way deeper into the living room and plopped down on the couch, putting your handbag on the table.
A little chuckle left your lips as you stared at him, he stood by the couch, your eyes were glassy and twinkling in the dim light, “it was okay,” you shrugged casually. The words were still on your mind, you questioned yourself about it over and over and over again.
Could you really never be in a relationship? Is that what type of a person you were—hard to handle, hard to keep.
“You look good,” Sehun smiled down at you as he sat down next to you, close enough that your knees and shoulders were touching. Still not close enough for him though.
“Yeah? Tell me something new,” you let out a low scoff, turning your head to stare at him. His eyes were were like two dark pools of black holes, something which seemed you pull you in more and more the more you stared into them.
His hand creeped its way onto your clothed arm, he traced random circles onto it as he held your eyes, “you can pretend all you want. You can pretend that you don’t care,” at that, he earned a soft laugh from you as you shook your head. You both stared at each other in silence for a long time.
Before you knew, he was pressing his lips to the corner of your lips, a smile on his lips as they moved to your jaw with light kisses and then finally back to your lips, hand pressed at the small of your back as he pulled you in impossibly close.
Your lips moved against his automatically, reciprocating, matching his tempo with equal passion.
His lips moved slow and deep, like he was trying to memorise your taste all over again, he tasted of sharp alcohol mixed with something metallic, something uniquely him. Sehun had a way with how he kissed, languid, deep and passionate. It always left your heart hammering harsh against your ribcage, your knees weak and your brain mush.
“I missed you, was so scared that you weren’t gonna come,” he mumbled against your lips, almost breathless, he could feel his heart beating in his ears when you shook your head and mumbled back a soft ‘I missed you too’.
“Mm? You missed me? Of course, you did. Those guys don’t get you the way I do,” he pulled away to catch his breath, you and him both breathless from the deep kissing. His eyes twinkled as pressed soft kisses to your jaw and the column of your throat.
You nodded, hands gripping his hoodie tight and moving even closer, “yeah, they don’t,” you whispered in the dark of the room, pressing your lips to his lips again. Your arms wrapped around his neck with a possessiveness that was at odds with what you both were.
Both of you stayed entangled like that for a bit more, until the thunder cracked loudly outside, the rain falling heavier now—prompting you both to pull away. Sehun stared down at you, hands gripping the sleeve of your leather jacket which was still damp, “let me take this off of you, it’s damp.”
A soft chuckle bubbled from our your throat as you nodded, standing up and letting him shrug the damp jacket off you, he grabbed it from you, putting it aside and disappeared into the bedroom to grab a towel for you to dry your hair—which you both had been too busy and entangled with eachother to notice.
Walking out of the bedroom with a soft towel in his hands, he handed it to you, you took it from him, rubbing your hair with it, “you’ve been drinking?” The words came out more surprised than you intended them to be, you cocked your head to the glass full of vodka on the countertop of the kitchen, along with the bottle too.
“Yeah,” he just shrugged casually before staring out of the window at the heavy rain and thunderstorm. The lightning painting the dark sky in a beautiful blue and white hue of colors, “how’d you get here in such heavy rain?”
Turning on your heel, you stared out of the window too, before replying in a soft tone, “walked, you know i like to get my steps done. But it wasn’t raining heavily when i came here, also it’s barely raining on the other side of the city.”
Sehun and you just stared out of the window in heavy silence, the air between you both was heavy with unspoken thoughts and a million unsaid words. You wanted to ask him about whether you were someone he could ever see in a relationship. Yep, those words from earlier were still weighing down on your mind. Sehun wanted to ask you if anyone could ever actually come and take his place from your life. Both of you were entangled in your extreme loneliness, afraid to confront it, afraid to face the fears.
The bliss in ignorance.
“Are you gonna stay the night?” He suddenly asked, turning over, finally taking his gaze off the window and looking at you, fingers fiddling quietly.
In all honesty, you didn’t expect him to ask you that, there were rarely any occasions that you both stayed the night at each other’s places, often avoiding that sort of intimacy.
“I think i might, it’s raining hard. Makes it difficult to find a cab back home,” there was uncertainty in your voice as you looked at his face quietly, trying to read his response quietly.
“Okay,” he just nodded, moving to the kitchen, draining the glass of vodka down the kitchen sink and putting the bottle aside.
“This bastard is a sore loser and just can’t accept that he can also lose a game, now, can you, Chanyeol?”
Junmyeon’s voice echoed with playful anger in the lively living room as Chanyeol groaned and threw his cards down, starting to argue how Junmyeon and Yixing had partnered up against him and had been cheating through out the whole game.
Baekhyun joined in on the argument, taking Chanyeol’s side, listing out points that Junmyeon was being unfair and so on. Sehun just watched his friends fighting over the most stupidest shit in his life, laughing his lungs out.
The argument was cut off suddenly by the loud ringing from Sehun’s phone on the table, your name lighting up the screen. Baekhyun let out the loudest groan of annoyance known to mankind as Sehun reached for the phone quickly.
“Nah, man, you’re with us right now, it’s boys night. No girls are gonna interrupt you tonight, put the phone down.” Chanyeol moved to snatch the phone out of the younger man’s hands, but Sehun dodged it, glaring at his friends.
They began arguing with him, complaining about how his friends should be above than that. But soon it died down.
Everyone quietened down in the room as the phone continued ringing and Sehun just silently stared at your name on his phone. Yixing sighed and leaned back, “it’s not just any girl now, is it, c’mon guys, get it.”
The ringing stopped as Sehun didn’t pick it up. He really didn’t plan to pick up your call—but silently, in his heart, he made a quick decision to himself. If you were to call him again, he’ll pick it up.
“Sehun, you’re unfair as fuck. You barely ever hang out with us anymore, and the one time you finally do, even then you’re not present with us and your mind is somewhere.” Baekhyun groaned, plopping himself down on the couch. He stared over at Sehun as he sat back down and gestured to continue the game quietly, “I’m serious, I hate this girl. She’s all for half-measures, and you still go running to her each time she calls. I thought you said you were gonna stay away for good this time.”
Sehun couldn’t care less, he just shrugged off Baekhyun’s words with a wave of his hand.
Baekhyun and the others picked up the cards again, getting back to the game. And the game had barely even started getting somewhere when the phone begin ringing again, your name on the screen.
Nonetheless everything, Sehun quietly grabbed the phone and just stepped out into the balcony despite his friends constant yelling at him from behind and calling him back.
As soon as he picked up the call and held the phone to his ear, your sad and frustrated voice filled the air, “I can’t do this, i swear! I just thought that maybe i could salvage what me and my dad had, we could be nice with each other, but he’s just so stuck up his own ass.”
His eyes stared at the twinkling lights of the star in the dark sky above, “what’d he say, hm?”
“That the phone works two ways, and if he doesn’t call, then i should. He said i was a coward for moving out and that i was extremely hard to deal with,” your voice broke at the end of the sentence, your breath catching in your throat as you sniffled, very much trying to hold back your tears and trying not to cry to Sehun.
“Are you out somewhere or at your apartment?”
“Not home, I’m at some club. Don’t know where, to be honest,” you told him with a shaky voice. Sehun had his own doubts that you might’ve even drank.
“Send me your location and stay where you are, I’m coming,” he moved quick, going back inside and grabbing his car keys and jacket.
On his way out the front door of Chanyeol’s place, Junmyeon took him aside and really tried to persuade him to stay—to not leave for some girl who wasn’t even his girlfriend, his situationship, or even just a friend.
But nothing could stop Sehun from getting to you after hearing the hiccups in your voice from the phone.
When Sehun had arrived at the location you sent, you had gotten into a verbal fight with some girls just right outside of the nightclub’s entrance, throwing loud insults and pushing each other and what not. He had pulled you away from them with a lot of convincing and sat you down in the passenger seat of his car, driving you back to your place.
You were tipsy, tethering the edge between fully drunk and sober.
“You didn’t have to come and get me, y’know,” you mumbled lazily as you languidly sat down on your bed, kicking your shoes off. Sehun was towering over you silently.
He didn’t say anything to that, didn’t have to.
You fiddled your fingers in your lap, finally lifting your gaze to stare up at him, he was already staring at you with those sharp eyes of his, “i was apologising to him, thinking maybe i could fix it all. But he didn’t care enough.”
You were pretty stuck on your dad, still.
The tears came quick and free, flowing down your face. Your shoulders wracked with silent sobs, he didn’t do anything, didn’t interrupt you—or tried to soothe you with empty words, just quietly moved to sit beside you at the edge of the bed.
“I don’t think it’s your responsibility to fix anything with him, sweetheart,” his voice the softest you’ve ever heard him speak to anyone at all.
“I know…”
“Then why’re you so adamant on disappointing yourself with each time you call him?”
A heavy sigh left your lips as you stared down at your lap, rubbing your eyes to stop the tears from flowing, “I don’t know.”
Sehun moved to gently take you in his arms, you sobbed softly, shaky and tired, his warm, big hands ran up and down the expanse of your back as you burrowed yourself deeper into his chest. Your head was tucked under his chin, your body shaking with soft little sobs.
The only sound that you could hear right now was the sounds of crickets chirping outside your window. Your gaze was fixed on the ceiling, you held the duvet to yourself even tighter as you tried as hard as you could to fall asleep. But nothing was working. You’d tried the warm glass of milk, tried lying down on your stomach, tried reading a book—nothing worked. You were so tired but still so sleepless. It had been almost three hours since you’ve been in bed and still unable to sleep.
You hadn’t even seen Sehun in several weeks, after that night with crying in his arms and what not vulnerable foolishness you’ve done, you and him finally began to distance for good. It was something you were grateful for, because it was clear that it was the better thing for you both.
When you had went to sleep that night, you woke up the next morning with nothing in your head but him—and he had left before you were even awake. You realized one thing, this thing that was going on between you and him left you feeling all hollow and empty from inside in the aftermath of it.
That was the exact point that you both began to be distant simultaneously, he didn’t text you much afterwards, you didn’t bother calling him anymore, too.
It was going great. Finally getting some stability in your routine, no more sudden dopamine rushes that soon turned to heartaches, no more 3 AM texts from him, no more late-night calling him and crying to him about your issues.
But the universe definitely had other plans.
Because when you finally felt that sleep was coming to you, your eyelids beginning to droop. There was sudden rapid knocking at the door, impatient and demanding, jolting you out of your half-asleep state. Whoever it was, they didn’t even bother ringing your doorbell—was just banging your front door.
You stepped out of the bed, barefoot on the cold floor as you looked over at the digital clock on your bedside table, the digital numbers on the screen glowing in the dark, the time read 02:53 AM.
It was almost 3 in the morning, it led you to extreme confusion and worry, who could even be at your door at this hour.
The knocking turned even impatient, but not angry. With hasty movements, you grabbed your robe and put it on your body to cover yourself a little before you padded out of your bedroom and to the front door.
Upon the opening the door, you discovered the man standing on the other side to be who you least expected it to be.
Sehun.
What was he doing here? He looked a little messed up, clothes disheveled, hair messy and all. It had really began to seem like that Sehun wasn’t gonna be in your life anymore and to be fair, you pretended to be happy and grateful with that. But now he was here, out of the blue, at 3 in the morning.
“Thank god, i was almost beginning to think you were out for good, like dreaming real hard,” he just chuckled casually and pushed his way in your apartment easily.
As he passed by you, you couldn’t help but notice how he reeked so strongly of cheap feminine perfume, your head connected the dots quietly as you closed the door behind him and stepped back in, too.
Someone had left him high and dry for you to clean the mess up. Yet again.
He lazily plopped down on your couch, groaning softly as he stretched his legs straight. Finally, he took in the state of your apartment, dark and clean, you were definitely in bed but insomniac, he thought to himself.
“You want a drink?” You asked as you walked into the kitchen, when he answered a soft yes. Your hands gripped two glasses and a bottle of half-drank rum, walking back into the living room.
The glasses clinked loudly against the table as you placed them down, pouring him and yourself a drink, you picked up your glass, swirling the amber liquid inside it slowly before you sat down on the couch beside the one he was sat on.
“It’s quite the timing, Sunday night, 3 in the morning, you start banging my door all unannounced, wouldn’t you say?” You finally voiced the thoughts running through your head.
Sehun just took a slow sip of the amber liquid, the alcohol burned deliciously down his throat, he was deep in thought, thinking about something hard before he chuckled and looked over at you, “don’t act as if you didn’t miss me.”
“I wasn’t dying to see you, Sehun.”
“Maybe,” he just smiled at you, drinking more from the glass, “but you still definitely missed me.”
“Plus, no one does it for you like I do,” he leaned his head back, a frown between his eyebrows but a cocky smile on his lips. Like he was trying to put up a front. His classic behaviour, whenever there was something weighing heavily on his mind he only took one way out of it.
Dissimulation and being cryptic. It was so Sehun.
“Well, no one does it for you like I do, too. Otherwise you wouldn’t have come here at 3 in the morning,” you shot back, taking a swig of the drink in your hands, “whoever it was, she couldn’t manage to keep you invested long enough to stay, now, could she.”
Sehun didn’t say anything, just stared at you, he didn’t deny your words. But he didn’t regard them with a response, too, as if you both weren’t something significant enough to admit to that.
“This is the last time, I’m gonna stay away for good after this once,” he suddenly said, almost to himself as he immediately pulled you into his lap. His hands gripped your waist tight and he stared up at you, your hands snaking around his neck.
“Me too, this isn’t good, it’s toxic and stupid. We shouldn’t do this, it’s not good, for neither of us. We’re gonna stay away after this,” you agreed, trying to convince yourself, your lips crashing to his in a deep and searing kiss, his hands pulling you impossibly closer as you both tangled on the couch.
Yet the same cycle would repeat again.
That was the truth, and you both knew the truth, this would happen again. And again and again and again. He could lie to himself, you could lie to yourself all you wanted to. You could act like you didn’t miss his touch, didn’t miss his lips, he could do the same. But you and him knew the truth.
It was impossible to stay away from each other. Even if it drained you, even if it burned him, in the worst of ways possible. Even then, you both couldn’t resist the presence of one another, the touch, the fleeting kisses, the fluttering of heartbeats.
Couldn’t resist the dizzying overnight rush of it all, even if it left you both feeling aching and hollow afterwards.
You and him would go running right back to each other, no matter how many times you try to stay away from one another.
