Aug 6, 2016
Week 8 -Cripplers house
Nobody from #JPP showed. Six from Old Man Balls FC did. We should count this as a win because #JPP is soooo pathetic, but being a kind and merciful God, we'll let it slide. Be sure to catch us on Periscope!!!
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Week 8 -Cripplers house
Nobody from #JPP showed. Six from Old Man Balls FC did. We should count this as a win because #JPP is soooo pathetic, but being a kind and merciful God, we'll let it slide. Be sure to catch us on Periscope!!!
Week 6 - Robinsons house
In a shocking rebound from record low attendance the past few weeks of MTL, arguably the best night of MTL occurred last evening at the Robinson estates. Attendance was plentiful (11 dudes), the events were ingenious and abundant, the food and deserts were exquisite, and the beer selection offered something for every palate. Gourmet burgers, bacon wrapped scallops, two pasta salads, and asparagus were served as the pregame meal. A steamy 95 degree night was the backdrop for a triumvirate of events which included nerf star wars target shooting, 2v2 Super Chexx dome hockey and 2v2 darts. In the first event, each combatant tested their marksmanship skills using a high powered nerf disc handgun, taking aim at defenseless star wars action figures. (Action figures ranges from original New Hope Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader, R2D2, Greedo, Walrus Man, a variety of storm troopers, etc., to an Attack of the Clones Jar Jar Binks). As one might expect #JPP dominated the accuracy and precision challenge besting OMB without even needing their final shooter. (see video and photos to be provided by Tarpy) A serving of MTL cake provided a buffer between the first physically grueling event and the 2 remaining air-conditioned indoor finales. To the surprise of everyone, all of the OMB players were apparently dart and dome hockey virgins prior to last night, which made for an even more lopsided #JPP victory. A review of the score book reveals a startling inability of OMB to hit targets or put a tiny puck into a net. Strange really… A remarkably unbalanced victory by #JPP was celebrated with the late evening consumption of an entire bottle of 20-year old tawny porto. That’s just how #JPP rolls I guess. The season series is now OMB 4 - #JPP 1. Despite being on the wrong side of the lopsided decision, Big Jim was named MVP of the day for fighting through symptoms of acute pancreatitis, watching in obvious pain as others guzzled ice cold adult refreshments and enjoyed the fine cuisine offerings. #JPP wishes Big Jim a speedy recovery as he attempts to quell the swelling of his pancreas enough by this Friday’s Toby Keith concert and Skybar cabana event to continue to resume the intentional pickling of his critical organs once again. #JPP also offers our premature condolences on his eventual cirrhosis diagnosis.
Week 3 - Z's house
"No time for the ol' in-n-out luv, just here to read the meter". (re: I'm updating from my phone at work and I don't have time for a proper write-up) Up 7 - 2 in shitty kickball Adam Bistoff fucked his whole team by popping the ball. Rule was established hours before the game. Scroll down for objective evidence. Several disputed calls throughout the match led to final decisions / cheaters proof via Rock-Paper-Scissors. Epic best of 3 battle. Scroll down for results. Old Man Balls FC allowed #JPP a second chance but OMB was granted a 3.5 run lead through tense negotiations led by your host Z for Old Man Balls and Bunting for #JPP. (Reminiscent of negotiations from last years Can-Jam night and we all know how that turned out). Old Man Balls FC scored 8 runs in the first but squandered the lead. #JPP showed real heart. Came down to a disputed call so we went to shotgun sprints and OMB young guns crushed it.
MTL Week 2 - Buntings house
Last evening at the luxurious Bunting Piazza, by the flickering glow of a mediocre bonfire; Tarpy, Crippler and English Pete bested V, Mark, and Robinson in an epic battle of mostly 1950’s film and scrabble trivia. A fine assortment of ales, chips and tubed meat by-products were served by the Bunting Plantation Staff. Items of note from the evening: 1. Rat’s perfect attendance streak was snapped for reasons unknown… 2. English Pete knows shockingly little about England… and Europe… 3. Tarpy has a man-crush on Burt Reynolds… 4. Bunting’s kids like Doritos… 5. Trivial Pursuit’s sports category has little to do with sports… OMB took week 2 and now hold a commanding 2-0 advantage in the standings.
On behalf of #JPP I would like to thank the Academy for having the ingenuity and the creativity to construct a league they said couldn’t be created and wouldn’t stick. The development of a forum where Mostly Out Of Shape Athletes (MOOSA’s) can, at an advanced age, still compete in a meaningful, sometimes contentious, but always half-intoxicated manner is a stroke of genius and a necessary addition to any summer. Look out baseball; there’s a new meaning to the term “Boys of Summer”!
I would also like applaud Jerome’s conciliatory writeup. You are a credit to OMB, the MTL, and all of our fans (aka: awkward onlookers of an over 40, drunken wiffle ball game). Well done. If you set aside all of the losing, you might not be such a bad manager after all... I’d also like to congratulate OMB on providing the Dennis Eckersley to our Kirk Gibson… The Stan Belinda to our Francisco Cabrera… The Jean Vandevelde to our Paul Lawrie… The Houston Oilers to our Frank Reich… The Chris Weber to our North Carolina… Without your general ineptitude and lack of intestinal fortitude, our improbable come back and headline making triumph wouldn’t have been as savory.
This was truly a team effort from the members of #JPP. From top to bottom our line up performed like champions. The unselfish, courageous leadership of our captain Mark Bunting, whose innovative drafting style, bold new look (see photo below) and magnanimous courage to step aside when the team needed a change of direction, embodies the true spirit of #JPP. First round draft pick PT’s early dedication, lengthy weekly travel, and unexplainable inability to consume 16 ounces of liquid in under 17 minutes, inspired us all to not suck. And to the gutsy role playing efforts of Pat, Ron, Dave, Crazy Pete, and Fredo whose nonchalant attitude become part of the #JPP squad again, inspired us not to suck; even when we were sucking.
The midseason take-over of the leadership reigns and amassing a STAGGERING 5-2 managerial record to close the season and bring the trophy to its rightful owners wasn’t MY accomplishment. It was a TEAM accomplishment (done by me). I am humbled and awed at my ability to be the penultimate manager in this league.
Every team has leaders. This team was lead by co-MVP Rat’s dedication, perfect attendance and odd penchant for exciting closeted homosexuals with hints of peeks at his “guitar”. It wasn’t easy on the cool June 23rd evening at Furminger’s house, facing a 1-3 deficit to muster up the fortitude to stick an arrow in the heart of the target… TWICE! But that is what leaders do. And co-MVP Kuf came through in the clutch over and over and over and over again for #JPP. From the unhittable junk tossed from the cardboard bump, to the uncanny ability to deposit a softball into a portable geriatric commode from great distances, Kuf’s unique and quirky attributes inspired us to be idiosyncratic champions.
Congratulations to OMB on a well fought campaign. We look forward to competing, and ultimately humiliating you again next season. #JPP will savor this victory for the long offseason and be back next year to defend our crown.
Good day, and may whatever deity you believe in bless you in whatever way you feel is appropriate to be blessed.
Sincerely,
The Entire #JPP Team (but mostly V)
Week14
Magnum PI Dodgeball at Crippler’s house
#JustPressPause wins inaugural season of Men’s Travel League!!!
Despite the best (or worst) efforts of the host, Crippler, to skew the event to Old Man Ball F.C., who had a whole week head start growing moustaches, OMB F.C. still couldn’t pull it together. Some teams are just winners and I hate to admit it but #JPP had it this year. Was it Ratt’s dedication by not missing a single event? Maybe. Was it the decision to relieve Bunting of the captainship? Probably. Was it Crippler’s poor decision to not just have a moustache growing contest as the championship game? Definitely.
As far as the actual dodgeball games go, it was all very mild-manner, ruled by sports etiquette and gentlemanly demeanors... Who am I kidding - it was complete shit-show! Picture a bunch of 40yr old grown men bitching and crying like little babies at every close call and disagreement. So pretty much your normal HDD gathering. Game 1 & 2 were won relatively handley by #JPP. Game 3 saw OMB walking off the field with arms raised in victory - after some questionable antics on both sides. In an effort to appease all, the great and wise captain Jerome Tarpy brokered a deal to replay the 3rd game in complete silence (he will go down in the annals of MTL and, for that matter, HDD history as one of the greatest leaders the league and fraternal society has ever seen, nor will ever see - a true uniter of men). That 3rd game was a site to see and something that may be instituted at future events - we were surprised the neighbors hadn’t called the cops on us up till then. By the way, #JPP won that game too.
So in conclusion, Crippler lost the championship for Old Man Balls F.C. And I’ll stand by that statement! Also, I would be remiss not to mention the true MVP of the league - Todd Kufel. He single-handedly won Archery and Wiffleball. Without him #JPP sucked... sucked. I stand by that statement too!
So it has been confirmed that Men’s Travel League is a tremendous success and will continue on. Stay tuned for...
Men’s Travel League Fall-Ball session. Shortened fall season. Tentative start date early October. Venues include local drinking establishments with various var sports.
Men’s Travel League SlumBEER Party. Details TBD.....
Week 12
Beer-in-Hand Wiffle Ball at Tarpy’s house
Sorry I don’t have time for my usual yarn.
#JPP kicked some OMB ass. Kuf was untouchable on the bump.
#JPP now leads overall 6-5!
We rock, you suck!
OMB applies for a stay of execution this week in Lewiston.
Week 11
ShitterBall at Kuf’s house
Note: if you don’t know what ShitterBall is, read this article. It explains nothing.
https://sites.google.com/site/soosasoftball/team-announcements/shitterballvstrashball
#JPP WINS CRAP SHOOT!
Associated Press
An early sprinkle couldn’t dampen the mood for #JPP at the lavish Kufel Estates in Lancaster. The game was Shitter Ball, and from the opening toss from our host, #JPP left no doubt about who was to leave with empty bowels on this evening.
The rules of the game were like Pyramid; only different. Each contestant threw 5 balls from 3 different distances at a strategically placed geriatric toilet. Balls that entered and stayed in the commode earned their team 5 points. Balls that struck any part of the apparatus earned 1 point. Countless hours of pitching softball practice to his girls prepared Todd and #JPP to take immediate control of the competition by outpacing OMB in the first round by himself. OMB’s arms were a bit constipated as they couldn’t muster the accuracy to make a direct deposit. As the sun set and the mosquitoes made their rounds, Kuf, PT, V, Ratt, and Bunting consistently battered the weary faux porcelain target while LB, Jerome, Z, and Bull were left holding the colostomy bag. Points were tallied and a landslide winner was crowned.
The pregame meal included a buffet of par boiled foot long dogs (complete with an apropo shit sauce), fried bologna sandwiches, bratwursts, and veggie briquettes. Natty Bo and the best beer in America were the thirst quenchers of choice.
Those that didn’t need to drive to Illinois the next morning were treated to a relaxing post game fire and engaging conversation on the veranda.
The season series is now knotted at 5. The pendulum has swung and #JPP, winners of 4 of the last 6, now own the momentum. Since the departure of OMB’s youthful contingent (and a change in #JPP management) OMB has struggled mightily to compete.
Next week, the MTL visits the Palmeri Ranch. Invitations are open for pre-event golfing to those that have the stamina to compete all day.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/11XXt8mLp_TAWvzMJfVEIIZMk2Fxuc6wcEZUDQcYEk5M/edit
V
Managing Editor
MTL Weekly