When does postpartum depression end?
My child will be one (I know, WTAF?!) in a few weeks. Is that when postpartum magically ends? is there a time limit? After a certain point, it probably just shifts to regular depression. Will I ever feel like myself again?
Now Lils, whinging is not what Tumblr is for. Tumblr is for fandom and creativity (and infighting and white supremacy, which is why I’ve largely abandoned tumblr). However, my feelings are too big for my skin and I don’t know where else to put this, so. I can’t be creative, I don’t have time for fandom. I knew I was going to have to give up parts of myself to be a mom, but this is harder than I expected. If I manage to get a spare 5 minutes to paint/draw/play music- it’s just....too much pressure. I don’t feel like I can do anything good in that timeframe, so I end up watching youtube videos of real creatives while getting a jump on all the dirty dishes. Trying to do art feels like picking up the pieces of a life and jamming them into a frame that’s too small.
Even trying to re-enter fan spaces is hard. I don’t have anything much to say- I don’t have time to read fic. Most days I’m running on fumes, so when I have a few minutes to check in with friends it’s not “This latest fic from X is AWESOME” it’s “My kid is *finally* asleep and it is AWESOME.” I don’t want to be the person that prattles on about their kid and is constantly showing pics, but literally the only thing I’m doing is trying to keep this tiny human alive. Not that I was interesting before, but I am VERY BORING now. Being a new mom during the pandemic is lonely. I have a feeling that motherhood, pandemic or not, can feel very lonely. We moved right before the pandemic hit, so there’s not really a support network where we are. Very few friends and family have actually met my daughter. Now that things seem to be looking up, maybe that’ll change. As with fandom, though, I feel it will be difficult to reenter that space. Things are too different, now. Maybe if I enter rooms like the Kool-Aid Man and just say “What up? I’m a mom now!” I can start from a place of humor instead of being nervous about being judged. Lead with humor, right?
I’m realizing that some of these feelings stem from pressure to be “old Lils” and contribute to the group in the same way I used to. I can’t anymore. I’m sorry.
MomLils will be fun/creative/a fully functioning adult again at some point.
