86. “Don’t cry. Just don’t fucking cry.” and ashton? thank you!
It’s silent in Ashton’s small apartment, but it’s a comfortable silence, at least to you. You’re in nothing but a t-shirt, lying across his armchair with a book he’d said you just had to start today. Lost in the story, you don’t notice Ashton leave the room and return, anxiety visible all over him. He stews in the corner, his eyes hardly leaving you. Your hair, your fingers curled around the book, legs slung over the arm of the chair. Your lips. He spends a while on your face, but the longest on your lips. He could have done that for hours, stared at you and memorized every inch, but you catch on in the first ten minutes.
"Need something’?“ you ask with a playful smile, but Ashton’s expression never changes. You knit your brows and dog ear the page you’re on, growing even more concerned when Ashton doesn’t chastise you for it. "What’s wrong?” You pad over to his place on the edge of the bed, nestling yourself between his knees.
“I uh-,” he clears his throat and pauses, looking at his hands that have too tight a grip on his legs. “I got a call a little while ago. We get to go on tour.” His confuse you. You were expecting something terrible, not the great news he’s been waiting to hear.
“That’s amazing!” you practically yell, knowing how long he and his band have wanted to travel and play the music they’ve worked so hard on.
“It’s for a year,” he says a little louder than he means to, cutting your excitement short.
“Oh.” You both stay quiet for a while, processing this information. “That’s a long time,” you manage eventually.
He lets out a long breath, dropping his head into his hands before snapping it back up. "I love you, you know that. But a year, y/n.“
“What are you saying?” Everything you’ve seen out of him so far tells you that you don’t want to know the answer.
“I think we should take a break.”
The words settle in the small room, and you want to sweep them under the bed and pretend you never heard them. A knot’s been forming in your throat, tears threatening to spill over. He can see it now, and shakes his head slowly.
“Don’t,” he says softly. “Don’t cry. Just don’t fucking cry.” He hates seeing you cry more than anything. Now that he’s the one responsible for your tears, he feels more angry with himself than he has in a long time. "I’m sorry ok. I want to make this work. But it’s a year,“ he says again.
"I know its a year, Ashton!” you blurt out. “It’s a long time, okay! But I think you’re well worth a few hundred days of phone calls! I thought I was worth that to you, too!” Your voice cracks, and the tears start to fall, wetting his jeans. He shuts his eyes hard, swallowing hard to fight tears of his own. His shaky hand reaches up to thumb the streaks from your cheeks, eyes on yours with a sadness you’ve only seen a few times. You’re caught off guard by his strong arms pulling you down into his lap, holding you almost too tight.
“I didn’t want to put you through that. Through the distance and days of not speaking and seeing each other in person a handful of times.”
“It can’t be worse than this,” you say weakly into his shoulder. He’s quiet again for a while.
“I’m willing to try if you are.”
Fresh tears fill your eyes, but for a different reason this time.
What’s up my name’s Tara I’m 15 and I never fuckin learned how to make my blog aesthetic
So. Yeah. I’m Tara. I’m a cis white lesbian who is Big and Anxious and ADHD and also sorry for absolutely everything I do. Currently trying to survive the American Public High School system which is going...... well it’s going.
So! What do I blog about? Well, pretty much anything I think is cool gets put on here. If you have a trigger and want it tagged, send me a PM! I don’t bite, I promise!
I have a dog! Who I love! Very! Much! His name is Koa and he’s just over a year old at the time of posting this. His birthday is August 17th and no joke I would die for him. He’s a rescue mutt, we did a DNA test and there were like 8 different breeds listed for him. He’s a very good boy and I will post pics and videos on occasion.
I play a bunch of video games- favs being: Destiny(2), Overwatch, Diablo 3, Titanfall 2, and Horizon Zero Dawn.
I also love all TTRPGs, though I mostly play D&D 5e + 3.5e, Monster of the Week, Pathfinder, and Feng Shui.
If you see me, I’m probably listening to a podcast. I adore all things McElroy, as well as *deep breath*: Bombarded, The Broadswords, Wolf 359, The Penumbra Podcast, Ars Paradoxica, The Magnus Archives, Oh No Ross and Carey, The Unexplored Places, Bubble, The Bright Sessions, The Once and Future Nerd, The Far Meridian, StarTripper!!, Kalila Stormfire’s Economical Magick Services, Hello From the Magic Tavern, Girl in Space, and The Strange Case of Starship Iris.
I watch TV, but it’s mostly cartoons and anime. The Good Shit™️ is: Brooklyn 99, The Good Place, Disenchantment, She-Ra, Steven Universe, Gravity Falls, My Hero Academia, and general shit like that.
I have a passion for theater. I’m currently part of the production Geek! at my high school. I love listening to musicals and reading through plays. Pretty much anything on Spotify I’ll listen to the entire way through.
If you have any good reccs for anything similar to what I have listed here, shoot me an ask or a PM!
I also draw a lot. Sometimes I post it, most of the time I don’t. If you want to look at it for some reason, it’s all tagged under #my bad art
I have a shit ton of OCs, though I try to keep that to a minimum on here. If you ever want to hear about my many, many characters who I love v much, just send an ask or a PM! Seriously, I will never pass up a chance to talk about them.
Sorry about the wall of text. But yeah, that pretty much sums it up.
Oh! Here are other places to add me if you want:
PSN: SparkleAssassin1 (I came up with it when I was 8 shut up)
a lot of people don't understand that i'm truly whipped for all of bts. seeing them together or apart doesn't matter because my heart belongs to all of them.
jin? his humor and talented multi tasking is amazing how is he so caring and smart and he is always cheering everyone up?? at this point jin could do legit anything and i'll laugh
yoongi? he works so hard it encourages me to work hard as well, on top of that he just knows so much stuff and i've always loved people that play the piano. he gets so shy whilst getting compliments and i hope he will realise one day that those compliments were all because he deserved them
hoseok? what a dance leader, he really knows when to be professional and when to chill on top of that his rapping has come so far and wow his singing the karaoke episode wOw he did that
namjoon? i'll always listen carefully to this intellectual man, he could tell me shit that ain't true but i might still believe it because he is that guy, a great leader and precious shy bean.
jimin? i've always been a lover of modern dance once i saw jimin dancing i was just shook and amazed, his emotion in his dancing makes it so powerful and he is also so sweet definition of sweetheart.
taehyung? his view on the world is special, i'm always curious what's going on inside his head, he's kind, beautiful and loves art no 1 goal for me is to talk to him about some artists.
jungkook? i love how he looks up to the others not realising that others also look up to him, he is so percious and competitive it's endearing, he always wants to see the others happy even if that doesn't involve him and that makes him so selfless and cute
OF COURSE, jim hadn’t been there. he couldn’t have known what q had said. he only heard q’s stories and read the files on a fading daniel holt. but after all the shit thrown at q, there had to be AT LEAST some begging, even if it wasn’t verbal. tones can carry, and actions can speak miles beyond what words can.
‘ oh don’t lie. begging comes in many forms, my dear. doesn’t HAVE to be verbal. being allotted mercy from mi6, and THEN accepting it? you must have have a way with them. ’
The ability to hide a lie was easy when you weren’t coursing memories constantly for a contradiction. What he’d said already was a lie, he was bringing up memories again now of times he had indeed begged - though not necessarily for mercy. He’d begged Scotty to believe him, that he hadn’t repeated certain mistakes. Not mercy per se, but it was enough of one that pretending he had never begged wasn’t a charade he was going to keep up for very long.
He’d begged for chances with people, begged to be taken seriously, begged to be left alone, and perhaps in a way the very act of submitting an application was indeed begging for mercy. But was it mercy he was asking for, really? He had expected to be turned away, told to go home and live quietly. Never touch the face of secret service again. He’d said he would, years far beforehand.
But the technicalities of keeping up those dangerous too - fast trains of thought were grinding to a halt when Jim’s accusation struck a chord. A deep and resonate diminished chord that stopped everything in a flash of anger red sight before he could draw breath and keep from launching into a lecture or verbal attack.He had reason to keep on Jim’s good side - Jim’s mercy was something he needed in the moment and for good time to come. He did after all agree to the man’s offer.
“ Then I must have a way with you as well. ”
The line is delivered coldly, flat and monotone in direct contrast with the defensive fire that threatened now. How many ways could he attempt at an insult for the criminal before him? Accuse him of knowing nothing about what happened beyond the headlines, that never got placed in folders and files, the unrecorded conversations and interviews he’s held in relation to the faded Daniel Holt? Really, faded. That life was long but a distant memory. Half the time he only remembered it like a telly series he used to watch rather than being his actual life. The other half it was entirely too real, overwhelming and only touched for a moment before shoved back into the closet where skeletons belonged.
“ I never wrote a Dear Jim column and yet I have yours. ” Dangerously thin ice, to tug at the ropes that knotted to form the net that kept his health in line. “ Dear. ” Sneering, but cautiously owlish. He knew very well what kind of fire he was playing with, but testing the rope he was allowed could, at the very least, bring about some interesting interplay. He had confidence that if he made a bit of verbal play fun then perhaps Jim might not decide to cut those ropes. Then again - he’d still not asked for any of the vague ‘ favours ’ his help would take as payment.
“Daniel, have you seen my purple bow!” Eden shouted from the top of the stairs. she had a handful of curls bunched up in one hand while the other grasped her phone to her chest. This left little to the girl in terms of balance as she practically launched herself down the staircase, barely catching herself on the wall she had totally NOT run into after skidding to a stop on the hardwood floor.
Her brother only shook his head, not even looking up at her as she used her sock covered feet to skate into the kitchen. “Why would I know where it- oh here it is.” He grumbled, not even surprised in the least when he opened the fridge to find the accessory. “How does that even happen?” He asked, tossing her the bow, which Eden quickly pinned in her hair, glad to have something holding back the red curls as her arm had begun to numb. “Like in what world does someone do that?”
Eden just gave him a shrug. Because to be honest, she had no clue. She did have a tendency to give into ADD-like behavior, starting something and then getting distracted and forgetting it all together, however, she also had a pesky miraculous who liked to play pranks when she wasn’t looking and hide her ipod in the couch cushions while playing ‘Never Gonna Give You Up” on a never ending loop. So she honestly didn’t know who to blame anymore when she lost items in random places around the house anymore.
“Why didn’t you just wear another bow. You have like twelve” Daniel pointed out, throwing a blue one he fished out of the pencil drawer as though to prove his point.
“This is my fair outfit.” She stated plainly, twirling around to show off her skirt. “And my fair outfit needs a purple bow.”
Daniel only shrugged, nodding in agreement as he opened his phone again, checking the time. “Gabe should be here soon and then we can head out.”
Reeder’s ears perked at the familiar voice. It’d been so long since he heard that nickname being said by that voice, and despite the fact the tone sounded deeper now, it was still completely recognizable. He abruptly turned to see a dark-haired, blue-eyed aurin staring at him, and his pupils narrowed to shocked slits. He didn’t look very different at all from when Reeder had last seen him, aside from the series of nick-like scars running down his tan arms and the just-barely noticeable lines of age on his face.
A tiny, excited whimper left the pink aurin’s mouth, his brows drawing so close together it hurt his forehead. “Kik-Kino!” he stammered, his mouth struggling to break into a smile as he pressed his lips tightly together.
“Erwan you…” Kino let out a heavy, shuddering exhale, his eyes starting to water as they quickly looked over the other. “Y'got so tall, when’d you… and your hair, you cut it short!”
“I know!” Reeder, or at that moment, Erwan, exclaimed with a strangled voice as he burst into a huge grin. He wasted no time in roughly seizing the other aurin in the tightest hug he could manage, his salmon tail wagging behind him like a dagun’s as he pressed the side of his head against Kino’s.
“By the Weave, what happened?!” The dark-haired aurin’s voice held the edge of a sob to it as well as he returned the embrace with just as much fervor.
“Hhah, I-I joined FCON! Er, you could tell from the uniform…” Erwan sniffled loudly and shook his head before burying it in the other male’s shoulder. He didn’t smell like grass anymore, he noticed. Now it was more of a scent of stale fuel. He remembered him mentioning he’d become a mechanic. Kino, fearless spearhunter of the plains, became a ship mechanic. The thought made Erwan burst into even more tears for some odd reason.
The two couldn’t seem to think of anything else to say. People walking through the port politely mulled around them as they remained locked in a tearful, wordless embrace. For a long while they stayed like that, completely ignorant of the world going on around them as they clung to one another as if for dear life.
Kino eased out of the hug after some time to look the pink aurin up and down, taking in the changes once again. Like he’d said, Erwan was taller, not to mention more built than he used to be. A lot less scruffy as well, with how short his hair was. He certainly wasn’t the frail shepherd kid he used to know. “I really thought I’d never see you again.” Kino murmured, and his friend nodded in agreement.
“I thought you might’ve…” Erwan trailed off, as if was too terrible for him to say, “And Weave, there were so many things I never got to say.”
“Oh?” His smile faded as he watched Erwan carefully.
“Y-yeah like…” he sniffed again, wiping one of his eyes with his thumb before continuing in a feeble voice, “U-um, remember the time you fell off that branch at the Bloom Festival? And I was-”
“Did I mention my mate, Folannis?” Kino cut him off suddenly as he gave his shoulders a light squeeze. Erwan frowned as he lofted a brow.
“You uh… no, you didn’t.”
“I should introduce you to her and my son. I’m just stupidly proud of them!” Kino laughed in a shaking voice as his hands lowered from the others shoulders and he took a step backwards, “They’ve been keeping me busy all these years. I’ve barely had room for anything else in my life, y’know?”
Erwan caught the message. His ears sank from their upright position to lay listlessly on either side of his head. “Oh… a son?” he said quietly, “That’s wond-ahem, wonderful. Bet he looks just like you.” As he spoke he averted his gaze from the other and slowly wrapped his tail around himself. Kino sighed, his head lowering somewhat.
“Yeah…” he glanced up, offering Erwan a halfhearted smile. The pink aurin didn’t look his way though. “He loves his little rowsdower. Kind of reminds me of you, Petals.” Reeder’s ears slowly perked back up again at the name, his eyes narrowing in a pained expression before he fixed Kino with a serious stare.
send me five times kissed for a drabble about five times our muses kissed
O N EShe’s so good and sweet and she’s unlike any girl he’s ever met. They’ve spent the day watching all her favorite movies, and though there was a chick flick here and there, he didn’t care—because he liked her. He’s thought about kissing her more than once throughout the day, but the timing never seemed right. He’s not good and sweet like she is. That’s not to say Fitz is a bad guy—but he’s no more than a decent guy. But Delia? She’s an angel.The last movie of the night ends, and Delia moves to the DVD player to take it out. This time when she sits on the couch, it’s closer than before. Now she’s close enough to touch and he longs to touch her. His eyes are on her and she’s blushing and oh god is she cute when she blushes. He knows now that this is his moment, so he risks it, and he reaches out to cup her cheek. She shifts on the couch and he does too, and without a word he leans in to kiss her. The kiss is soft and it’s sweet—just like all that Delia is. And when he pulls away? She’s still blushing, and she doesn’t hesitate leaning back in to kiss him again.T W O They’re tangled in his bed sheets, clothes covering the floor. He’s not one for cuddling, but he doesn’t protest when Delia rolls over and wraps her arms around him. In fact, he decides that he likes the warmth she provides, and there’s no way he could kick her out of bed with that adorable face of hers. Something about her keeps him hanging on. It’s not about sex—he swears it’s not. It’s about what he feels for her. It’s the way she talks and the way she smiles and the way that a blush almost always covers her cheeks. It’s the way she laughs and the way she moans and the way she holds his hand when he least expects it. He’s never had such a genuinely good woman in his life—and he’s terrified that he’ll end up doing something to scare her away. But that’s not something he wants to focus on. Not now. His hand reaches downwards, lifting her chin so she’s gazing up at him. She smiles, and he hates to admit the butterflies he feels just from the way she looks at him. She opens her mouth to say something, but before she can say anything, he leans in and presses the softest kiss to her lips.T H R E E She’s got a boyfriend now and he doesn’t blame her. They were never anything more than something casual, so he can’t be mad at her. Mostly, he’s mad at himself. He’s mad because now he’s sure he’s lost her forever. They’re still friends, sure. Delia promised they’d always be friends. But he didn’t want to be her friend. He’s mad at himself because he lost his chance at something great.It’s late when there’s a knock on his door, and it’s weird because he wasn’t expecting anyone. When he opens the door, Delia is standing there. Her cheeks are stained with tears, and he doesn’t hesitate pulling her inside. His arms wrap around her instantly, and before he knows it she’s crying again and his heart aches. She explains that her boyfriend broke up with her, and she explains that he was all wrong for her, and she explains that she’s sorry because she picked the wrong guy.He holds her close and he tries to comfort her the best way he can. She’s still crying and eventually his hands reach up to cup her cheeks. His fingertips wipe away her tears and she almost gives him a smile. He doesn’t say a word, because he doesn’t have anything to say. He’s not good at expressing himself with words. So instead he leans down to kiss her—and this time it’s not a soft and sweet kiss like most of their kisses have been. It’s deep and it’s passionate and it’s loving. It’s unlike the way he had kissed anyone before in his entire life. For the first time in his life, he knows she’s the one. F O U RIt’s Christmas morning and they’re married now. She’s still the same Delia—she’ll always be the same Delia—and he still gets her to blush now and again. It’s something that’s just in her nature, and if she ever stopped blushing? He’d probably cry, because she’s just so cute when she blushes.He’s sleeping and the next thing he knows, Delia is on top of him. She’s bouncing on him and he swears if he didn’t love her so much, he’d push her off of the bed. He blinks his eyes open slowly, and there she is, beaming down at him. It’s a perfect sight for him to wake up to, honestly, and he’s decided this was something he’d never get tired of.She murmurs nothing but a quick ‘Merry Christmas’ before she leans down to kiss him. It’s soft and sweet like it usually is, but now that they’re married she gets a little more daring sometimes. So when she pulled away from him this time? Her teeth tugged on his bottom lip and now he knew that she was going to be the death of him.F I V EIt’s their daughter’s first day of kindergarten and Delia cries as they put her on the bus for the first time. The two of them stand on the street corner until the bus is out of sight, and once it is, Delia slowly turns to make her way back inside. He stands there on the corner for a moment longer, and when he turns around he has to jog to catch up with the blonde. He reaches for her hand, pulling her back to him. The tears are still stinging her eyes, and he lets out a soft chuckle as he reaches to wipe her tears away. “Don’t cry, honey,” He murmurs softly, kissing the tip of her nose, and then her cheek, and then her jaw, and then her lips. “She’ll only be gone until noon.” He reminds her, and she nods her head. He kisses her again, soft and slow and sweet, and when he pulls away, she’s blushing.
There’s not a day that goes by where Delia doesn’t miss when her babies were small. When they’d cling to her legs and cry when she left the room. When they actually wanted to spend time with her, and when they weren’t embarrassed by her. It was different now that they were older. Because now? It wasn’t cool to hang out with your mom. The last they any of them wanted to do was spend a Friday night with their mama. Even little Maisy was over spending time with her mama.
Delia was home alone, and the house just felt so empty. It wouldn’t be that much longer before King came home, and they’d have dinner just like they did every night... But until then? She was lonely.
It wasn’t long before she was pulling photo albums off the shelves and spreading them out in a pile on the living room floor. They had books upon books of pictures; one for each kid on top of general ones from things like Christmas and Easter and family vacations. She had gained quite the knack for scrap booking after baby number three.
Pouring herself a glass of wine, Delia soon found herself in the middle of the floor with the photo albums scattered around her. She slowly began to flip through the pages one by one; the pictures helping her remember each and every memory. Like the time when Ivy fell off her bike and needed stitches, and she didn’t even cry the whole time. Or the time Xena and Maisy built a fort in the living room and it was all kinds of adorable until Soda decided to tear it down and they accidentally broke Delia’s favorite flower vase. Or the days when Delia would spend the afternoons baking with all five of her babies, and it almost always ended in a flour fight. Cleaning up the kitchen was never fun, nor was bathing children covered head to toe in flour (except for Cam. He hated the flour fights). But it made for good pictures and memories, and that was more important to her than having to spend some extra time cleaning the kitchen.
It didn’t take long for her to get emotional--and it didn’t surprise her because she was a crier. She sniffled a little bit as she continued to flip through the pages, and soon Fancy was walking over the pages of the photo album and Delia scooped up the tiny black and white cat, letting her settle in her lap instead of on the photo albums. She loved her little family more than anything--and she thought that showed in everything she did. Though, deep down she knew she could be a little overwhelming. She didn’t do it on purpose. She just really loved her kids.
But they didn’t love her like they used to, and that made her heart ache. All she wanted was for them to love her like they used to. The tears are falling freely from her eyes now, and now she’s upset because she’s alone and she’s lonely, and she just really misses her babies.
It wasn’t long after that when Cameron arrived home, making his way into the living room. He caught sight of Delia and raised an eyebrow. Though, Delia was always doing weird things, so it didn’t surprise him. Except this time, he realized she was crying, and almost instantly he moved to join her on the floor. “Ma, what are you doing?”
Delia jumped slightly at the sound of his voice, and she shook her head at him. She reached up to wipe away her tears, suddenly embarrassed that she was sitting on the floor crying. “Hi, honey.” She murmured, giving him the softest smile. “I’m just looking at some old pictures. No big deal.” She shrugged, sniffling a little.
Cam let out a soft chuckle, and it wasn’t long before his hand was slowly moving up and down her back in attempt to comfort his mama. “But why are you crying, Mama?” He questioned softly.
Delia let out a laugh, shaking his head. “You guys just don’t love me like you used to.” Delia murmured. “And I just really love you, and Ivy, and Xena, and Dallas, and Maisy. But now I’m just your overbearing clingy mother, and everything I do is because I love you, because you’re my five little shining stars and I just--”
“Mom--” Cameron shook his head, now pulling her close to him, letting his arms wrap around his mama. “Mom, we know how much you love us, okay? And I get that. I know everything you do is because you love us. And the rest of them know that too. I promise.” He nodded. “I know they suck and showing it, and sometimes Soda and Xena are really mean to you... But they love you too. We’re always going to love you. You’re our Mama. And Maisy... I think she’s trying to be like Xena, but Maisy adores you, you know. And me? I love you, Mom.”
Delia smiled weakly at his words, and she nuzzled her face against his chest. She sniffled just a little, but by now the tears had stopped falling from her eyes. “That’s why you’re my brightest shining star, you know? You always were the one that shined the brightest. Don’t ever forget that.”
