I think I need to write this right now. Tomorrow I go to court to face the man who sexually assaulted me, and I'm...not coping well. I need to write my thoughts down somewhere. This...seems like as good a place as any for that. Ive been dry wretching for a good half hour and Im in a complete mess.
I hate using this site as a crutch, but I just need this to be somewhere.
I fear it'll all come back.
I see it in slow motion: pieces of glass are buried deep in my palms, burrowing downward. Blood bites in my skin, trickling below the surface, and I can feel the pull.
Because you'd think that time might have iced it over. That reality might have carried the smell of you out of my skin; that time would let me sweat you out.
But when I look at him across the desk of a courtroom; he's going to have your face. Plastered there. Holding us both in time.
When I tear the shards of glass from my skin, when I walk by him in that aisle, walk towards a witness box: all I see is you. Everything you took from me. All the men who tore my clothes and broke my skin and bleached my youth away.
You all have the same face. You should look like a monster.
He smiles. You smile.
I feel it in my veins: worse than the pain. It gnaws at me. Like my heart is pumping rot: it reaches out to my skin, poison in my bloodstream. I scrub and scrub, my mind blank - but you're in too deep. The glass is chipping. I'm rotting from the inside out.
You both took everything from me.
I want to rip it out.
