#originalwritingofasub

[sweetly-submissively-yours]

Those days when all you can think about is a warm cock sliding past your lips and over your tongue, his hands threading through your hair to fist tightly as you take his cock deep, gagging slightly as drool drips down to your chest from your stuffed, cock hungry mouth. Hearing him moan for you as you suck and lick him, worshipping his dick like its the only thing in this world you need right now - because it is. And that sweet satisfaction as he explodes on your tongue, as you swallow every drop and look up at him with happy, proud eyes. Then that moment after as you nuzzle your face into his lap, rubbing your cheek over his cock, totally content as he strokes your hair and tells you what a good girl you are.

Yep. Today is one of those days.

[sweetly-submissively-yours]

It has been the worst year of my life. Full stop. No question. But out of it came a shining light that has held me together in my darkest moments. A light that is kind and empathetic, loving and accepting, understanding and forgiving. Without that light, I don't know what condition I'd be in right now. I'm so glad this year is almost over, but more than that, I'm glad to know that the light that has held me together will lead our way into a new and (hopefully) better year.

Whatever pain may come - and I know it will come - my world isn't completely dark anymore. And for that, I can only be grateful.

[sweetly-submissively-yours]

Begging

As your devoted submissive, I will crawl to you.

I will worship your mind, your heart, and your body.

I will give you my trust, my vulnerability, and my liberty.

I will be your biggest champion.

I will support you in all of your dreams and desires.

I will dedicate myself to your wants and your needs.

I will beg you for your orgasms and the privilege of pleasuring your cock.

But if I have to beg you for your love, care, and attention, you are not my Dom.

[sweetly-submissively-yours]

Kneeling for You

Kneeling for you.

It only takes your simple command - one word - to have me dropping to me knees for you. 

Head bowed. Eyes down. Thighs spread.

Shoulders relaxed as the tension seeps from my body. I will stay here until you allow me to resume.

Its slightly uncomfortable, but nothing I cannot tolerate for you. The discomfort keeps me aware of my position, both physically and metaphorically.

I am your submissive. And in this, one of the most submissive of acts, I show you my dedication to serving you.

You love seeing me on my knees for you. You love knowing that I will drop to the floor at any time you desire me to because you know it is a symbol of how much I want to serve and please you. It is an act that is not for my benefit, but for yours. Showing you my respect, adoration, and deference to you, my Master.  This is a gift I give to you.

But then, it is for my benefit as well. Because when I drop to my knees, bow my head, spread my legs, and breathe for you, I am overcome with my submission to you. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and vulnerability. I am humbled by the power exchange we are living daily. There is a peace I feel in this position that calms my fears, my anxiety, my panic. In this moment, I feel most connected to you, Master. Knowing that there is only one reason I am in this position, and that is to please you. This is a gift you give to me.

There are many things I give you in our dynamic, and far more that you give me. But this?

Kneeling is a gift we give to each other.

[sweetly-submissively-yours]

Unowned

As a submissive, I find it very difficult to feel focused, confident, and whole without a Dominant.

Don’t get me wrong; I still kick ass at my job. I still take care of my responsibilities. The people in my life have no idea of my emotional and sexual proclivities, and they’ve never noticed a difference in my ability to take care of my shit.

But if they were able to take a glimpse inside my mind? Chaos. Anxiety. Fear. Frustration. Insecurity. Pain. Self Doubt.

So many negative emotions that jumble together and make it feel impossible to keep moving forward. I’ll always keep putting one foot in front of the other - I’ve never been one to quit - but those foot steps always feel unimaginably difficult and futile.

The thing is, I am never more myself than when I am under the loving guidance, support, and accountability of a Dom. This dynamic brings out the best in me. It gives me purpose and focus. It helps me feel calm and secure.

I don’t require a Dom to live my life. But to live my life well? Successfully? Happily? That is an entirely different story, people.

I’m a pleaser at heart. I knew that long before I knew myself to be a submissive. I find validation and satisfaction in pleasing others. It is a fulfillment I cannot experience any other way. Understanding that the need to please is such a huge part of my personality and identity helped me realize something I found incredibly important:

I will do for my Dom that which I would not do for myself.

Self care is something I find difficult. Balancing work and personal time, speaking up for myself, eating healthy, exercising, taking my medications, setting boundaries, keeping structure and routine - these are all things I struggle to do for myself. 

Rules from my Dom have been my saving grace for self care in the past. Now, without a Dom, I’ve really been putting myself on the back burner.

I don’t know if I will ever find myself in a D/s relationship again. I certainly hope so, but I can’t predict the future. But I do know that it’s important that I make myself a priority.

My goal for this year is to start participating in self care and holding myself accountable to the routine and structure I need to be truly calm and happy. I’ll be pursuing this goal in the coming days and weeks as I learn what works best for me as individual.

I know I’m not alone in my situation. If anyone out there has any thoughts or perspectives to share, I would love to hear what you have to say. I have found this community to be full of amazing support, and I am always grateful for the words and ideas shared between us all.

You are all my family, and I appreciate you.

[sweetly-submissively-yours]

There’s Just Something About You

There’s just something about you.

You touch me in ways I’ve never experienced before.  It’s in the little things you do, the effortless way you interact with me that always feels genuine and real.

Maybe it’s the way you make me laugh with your humor and wit.

Maybe it’s the vulnerability you’ve shown me in your openness and empathy.

Maybe it’s how you shorten my name when you say it, how easily it rolls off of your tongue with a confidence and familiarity that makes it seem like you’ve been calling me that for years.

Maybe it’s the way you listen to my neurotic, anxious, obsessive ramblings and never judge me or show me any frustration or irritation - just endless patience and support.

Maybe it’s the way you run your fingers through your hair when your hands are unoccupied, making me smile and turning me on in the exact same moment.

Maybe it’s the way you call me beautiful, and cute, and sexy - and I actually believe you mean it, even though I never believe it from anyone else.

Maybe it’s how we never seem to run out of things to talk about, and it is never forced or difficult.

Maybe it’s the strength of character you’ve displayed by admitting when you’ve been wrong - earning my full respect in one emotional conversation.

Maybe it’s the way you accept me exactly as I am.

Or maybe it’s the way you love me when I can’t love myself.

I don’t know, baby.

There’s just something about you.

[sweetly-submissively-yours]

Letting Go

If there is one thing I have always struggled with in my life, it is knowing when to let go of that which is toxic to my psychological  and physical well being. It is understanding that I have tried my best, there is nothing else I can do, and that letting go does not make me a failure. It is growth, it is kindness, it is strength.

But fuck, is it ever difficult.

My instinct has always been to assume that I deserve very little, and that I should be grateful for whatever I am given. This has translated into allowing myself to participate in unhealthy relationships with people who aren’t necessarily bad, but are not good for me. I always care very deeply for the people in my life, and it feels like betraying them and whatever effort they have given me to feel unhappy in my relationships with them.

What I have learned - and what I must constantly remind myself - is that even though they put some effort into our relationship, that does not mean that they are giving me what I need. That does not mean that the relationship is healthy. That does not mean that they are treating me the way I deserve to be treated.

And in that situation, it is okay to say enough. It is okay to let them go.

It doesn’t mean I love them any less. It does not mean I do not respect them and value them.

It means that I respect myself enough to say that it is not okay to accept relationships with people who do not value and respect me.

I’m not one for resolutions, but one thing I will be whole heartedly focusing on this coming year is participating in my own self care.

I deserve to be treated kindly. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be valued. And the person I need those things from first and foremost is myself.

[sweetly-submissively-yours]

Perspective

My mind is chaotic and fuzzy. It feels as if my thoughts don't quite want to connect without an effort I don't have it in me to give.

Its days like these when I crave the kindness of pain. Nothing extreme. But the moderate intensity of pain that gives me focus.

It clears my mind.

It gives me perspective.

It helps me think.

Its cathartic, in a way nothing else has ever been.

Needs like these used to make me feel ashamed, but I know myself better now. My needs don't make me less.

And my courage to admit them gives me freedom.