In keeping with my brand of, well, Ellen-posting, since my name is Ellie, I thought I'd continue Ellen-posting by reading a book by someone who used to be named Ellen and doing a review of said book for radblr. I'm going to break it up into chunks so you're not faced with giant posts of me rambling or EP rambling.
I would like to say that I feel like there are very few 30-somethings who should be writing memoirs. I've had a pretty exciting thirty-ish years on the planet and I don't think I'm qualified to write a memoir - not because it wouldn't be full of interesting, beautiful, life-changing, sometimes horrible things but because I'm only thirty-ish. I prefer memoirs by people who've lived a bit longer - but again, this is only my preference. I don't read a lot of memoirs as a whole, I guess.
Anyway.
Ellie's Read and Review of Pageboy (Part One)
Author's Note
EP is "grateful and terrified" because trans people "face increasing physical violence" and "our humanity is regularly 'debated' in the media" (citations not given)
the book would not have been written without the "health care" she received, which seems weird because what she describes in the first paragraph about not being able to write seems like ADHD and instead of taking Adderall and being seen by a therapist she took testosterone and had her breasts surgically removed
quotes Leslie Feinberg who, among other things, was a very serious pronoun enthusiast (as evident by Feinberg's Wikipedia page, no I'm not being sarcastic here, just go read it and tell me I'm not wrong)
I want to be a jackass about the last paragraph of the author's note but even I don't have it in me, because it makes sense and is kind.
Chapter One
EP meets someone named Paula and falls in love with her and they do mushrooms together
She thinks about Paula on her trip through Europe
They go to a gay bar
This line hit far harder than it had any right to:
She kisses Paula and it's marvelous
Chapter Two
The Village Voice writes a shitty article about EP calling her a "dyke" after Juno comes out
which is a name she was called many times growing up in Canada
EP played soccer and once went to a tournament in a town I would visit some twenty-odd years later for very different reasons
this is important because she rooms with a girl she has a crush on
she tries to come out to this girl as bisexual
the girl says "no you're not" and then her friends make fun of EP
I learn that Tim Horton's has bagels, which confuses me but is in fact true
EP's grandmother asks her father what they're going to do if it turns out EP is gay
the lines in this chapter that punched me in the chest:
because fuck yeah I was a fucked up kid who didn't plan to live much beyond age 18, EP, I see you
fame is not what EP thought it might be; she doesn't want to wear a dress to things but somehow they tell her she has to and she isn't allowed to say no (which I get, and is not great, but eventually you need to be able to say no and do what you want)
another magazine in Canada asks if she's gay
Paula from Chapter One is seen with her and it's speculated they're in a relationship; Paula's not out to her family and so things are all very sad and EP feels like she will never be free to be who she is
At this point I am just sad. I came out later in my life (22), and was diagnosed with gender dysphoria much later (33), but at age 12 after a lifetime of wearing dresses and having my hair the way my mother wanted it, I stopped letting that happen. I started to wear what I want. I grew out my hair. I learned about makeup and shaving and for a little bit bought into it and then said "fuck no," which I continue to do to this day because it's bullshit.
Who in EP's life thought it wasn't okay for her to wear pants, and why didn't she or someone else stop them? I've obviously never been a famous actor but as an actor aren't you the person in charge of what happens to your image? Why wasn't her publicist or her agent on her side?
I had a lot of good people in my life who made me believe in a future for myself. Sometimes they had to carry me physically through what was happening to make sure I made it to that future, and I'm here today because those people didn't give up on me. Where were those people in EP's life?
There are things about the EP situation that make me bow in over my ribcage. It's just sad, and seeing paths others take that look like they make sense to everyone but which seem to say something entirely different when looked at upside down... which is a rambling way of saying that it's almost 4 am and someone should have told EP she could have been a happy lesbian who wears pants without having her breasts surgically removed and taking cross-sex hormones.
EP gets an acting job and has to wear "girls" clothing which she dislikes
she also acquires a stalker
he is a Creepy Fuck
Toronto is revealed as the Raccoon Capital of the World
EP's father is the opposite of "helpful" and "sympathetic" in regards to her stalker situation and I offer my own father to EP
EP dumps herself into an eating disorder
Now:
Chapter Seven
EP decides she doesn't want her parents to come watch her film
they agree to this, which surprises her
EP stays with some friends while she films which leads to this rhapsodic writing
Speaking from experience in reinventing oneself, EP, I'm glad you were happy, but nobody thought you were a boy. You can reinvent yourself whenever you're around new people but literally everyone at that time knew you as a girl.
this happiness lasts all of a page before we get back into the shit
EP then relates multiple separate times that she experienced sexual assault and rape at the hands of people in the entertainment industry, specifically one male and one female
and then the chapter ends
I need to have a moment of levity so I will say here that I did not learn anything about Canada in this chapter and I feel like I'm missing out somewhat
but FUCK what is EP's life? I am so sad for her. This tracks immensely with what so many of us have read about girls who decide to transition: always felt out of place, possibly on the spectrum, possibly lesbians, groomed and sexually assaulted and raped by men... the more I read that showed me how EP and I were alike as kids, the more I understand how she ended up where she did and why she thought it was the right thing to do
and all I feel is sad
Chapter Eight
we return to the days of 2014 where EP came out as gay
on her speech:
on what happens to her at a party days later
"Men are predators and you're just afraid of them" is a wild thing for a predatory male to say while being predatory, very on the nose
Predatory Fuck continues being, well, predatory:
"it is going to taste like lime" opens wide an arena filled with many questions for me, yes I know it's not the time to have questions about this, but she wrote and I had to read it with my own two autistic eyes and now I am hyper-focused.
I will not share any of those questions because what the fuck is this
Predatory Fuck comes to apologize and just doubles down on being an asshole; he blames it on being drunk but swears he doesn't have a problem with gay people
EP goes on to explain how her being openly gay and trying to be her true self did not help her in the industry
Gaycation was the show where she famously said that we're all born into a homophobic world and gay people should not be made to change to feel "normal"
and based on where she ended up she did not believe herself when she said it
but let's see where this goes
apparently this goes off into the next chapter where there's sex and I am too tired, dear readers, to read that tonight, even for EP
The offer of my dad, of better family, still exists, EP. I talked to my dad tonight and he was absolutely hilarious. There are good people in the world.
EP talks about her complicated relationship with her mom
Mom made her do things like wear dresses and tights and barrettes
Mom was worried about EP's future as a GNC person/potential lesbian/little strange kid
your reviewer says that's normal, even if it's unkind
we learned that EP's mom thinks boys should not be friends
your reviewer says that's not normal
your reviewer got maudlin at the end of it all and it was kinda a bummer
You can find previous parts of this readthrough here.
Now
Chapter Five
Jesus Christ we start off with this boat thing again
I am so sorry Halifax that for the short time I was in you I was eating waffles and buying doughnuts and trying not to get a parking ticket and not paying attention to your obviously super important maritime disaster issue
I will do better next time
EP should just write a book about this disaster - it can't be any less readable
but if you want to read an actual book about the disaster that's already written may I recommend this one
anyway sorry what was the point of this?
oh: the anchor from this ship explosion is 2 minutes away from where EP's dad lived
we learn more about maritime history - seriously, EP, think about it
Dad was a graphic designer with a mini golf hole thing in his office
EP imagines herself as the next Ernie Els (and yes I am proud that I didn't need to look up the name of an actual golfer, you are correct)
as far as I can tell no one tells EP that women also play golf
it goes from ships and golf to "oh, shit" in the way that one reacts to a sad disaster, because I now feel bad for EP who is clearly not well:
Really, lady? You published this? I can't decide if this is a "Buddhist one with the whole world" thing or a cry for help, because when I felt this way - that I was a meaningless speck in the universe - the people who loved me got me help.
Also, last time I checked meaningless specks don't get acting jobs or book contracts, so... perhaps not so "almost nothing," hey, EP?
EP gets a stepmother
the stepmother comes with two children
the stepmother had a waterbed (the only one EP has ever seen) and works as a food stylist
as a digression here, has anyone ever seen more than one waterbed? because I was thinking about it and I have only seen exactly one waterbed in my life
EP has a crush on Sandra Bullock, who stars in a movie that EP's stepmother "food styles" for
later in life she has dinner with Sandy and Sandy is great
EP starts to tell us about how she was a picky eater but for some reason devolves into a story about a Canadian lighthouse
we eventually get to the point that she was a picky eater and she was forced to eat things she didn't like
EP and her dad and her stepmother and the two stepsiblings all move in together
we learn more Canadian history here which I swear I would be very into if that was what kind of book I was told this would be
the one boy I ever dated before realizing I was a lesbian was super into Canada in a way that is extreme for someone who is not Canadian, and I enjoyed experiencing Canadian culture with him rather than trying to come up with new excuses why I didn't want to kiss or hold hands, so please believe me when I say I am all about Canada
like any human with a new room EP is excited to decorate
EP gets dreamy about having a stepbrother
like, really dreamy
by this we can infer that no one told EP the following things:
girls can remove their shirts that way as well
girls also have torsos and can wear dangling chains
anything you can buy in the supermarket will not change your sex, including Old Spice
ETA: I came back here because a "dab" and a "dollop" are two specific unspecific measurement units that don't interact, like ounces and inches, and it finally got to me that I didn't include it. You can "dab" cologne, you cannot "dollop" cologne unless you are literally pouring it over yourself in a ladle. If EP was doing that, I retract my remark.
the next part makes me super unhappy as someone who knows how physically capable boys, especially boys who play sports, are and how powerful they can be
but Scott manages not to paralyze EP
he just continues to be a prick, as does EP's stepmother
also, I have two siblings and we were never rough in the way that EP says Scott was - maybe because they're both female?
EP enjoys Playmobil and still likes to play alone
EP gets ready to go on an adventure, like a normal kid might, only to have her terrible stepfamily tease her
I am so sorry, EP, please go back to Canadian history
Dad was nicer when Linda wasn't around (shocker, men are a bummer)
also a bummer: this step mom
at this point I will now fight anyone EP directs me to fight on her behalf
I know it's a whiplash but seriously:
I was a weird kid. I was a lot. And yet never did my parents make me feel like I was wrong. They pointed out that I did things differently, or liked different things, and that the things I liked and did might not match up with what other people thought someone like me should do. But mostly they let me do what made me happy, to an appropriate extent.
They never mocked me when I was caught up in a world of elaborate fantasy. I went on lots of "adventures" to the point where I still call any unexpected journey, especially one I get to choose, be it to the 7-11 or the pharmacy, an "adventure," because it shakes up the day a bit.
They didn't shield me from some social consequences of being weird but they taught me that being myself was really more important. And they never asked me Why aren't you like them?
In fact, as the years have gone on and I've struggled with my mental and physical health, with employment, with my sexuality and my body, with living close to poverty, with everything - I have been the one asking my parents Are you ashamed I'm not like them? in regards to their friends' kids. Not a doctor, not a lawyer, not a mom?
And every single time, No. You're the one we love. You are on a journey that is uniquely yours and we are blessed to be a part of it. Unconditionally, without a second thought.
And as the designated "weirdo" in all of my growing-up-school years, I would have been EP's friend in an instant. We could have bonded over our short haircuts and picky eating and been the two weirdos together. Then neither of us would have been alone.
... and I guess we end this part same as we did the last one, with me super bummed and marginally more educated about Canadian history.
EP goes on a date (that she does not describe fully which irritated me because it's lazy writing)
during said date she's asked "when did you know" which means "when did you start liking things traditionally done/enjoyed by boys/men but can also definitely totally be done by girls/women as well"
EP says "four" which is not a thing
this leads to a very long and trying chapter about how EP did things that again, you can do if you are a girl, or if you are actually just a child of either sex
EP tries to make friends
EP has a boyfriend; they get called "f slurs" by teenagers and EP revels in being thought of as a boy (note: she just has a short haircut)(also second note: who revels in being called a slur? Jesus)
there is a lengthy discourse about a boat explosion in 1917 Halifax which is tangentially related to things being discussed in the chapter but interested me enough to go learn more about it today
EP refers to Halifax's gay community in 1917 as "queer" and your reviewer ended the night before she put her fist through the wall of her very, very hot apartment
You can now find previous parts of this readthrough here.
Now
Chapter Four
EP and her mom move to a new home
it is nice; people do normal people things there
Not a boy.
EP talks about playing in the bathtub with action figures; again, this is a thing that all kids did
her mom supports her imaginative play
EP has a crush on the girl in Honey I Shrunk the Kids
EP's mom is a good teacher
together they watch hockey and eat Canadian food (ketchup chips burned my tongue off last year when I visited but hey nobody's perfect)
There is a three-paragraph stint here that got me in the chest.
So let's talk this one through. A female child didn't like wearing restrictive clothing that female children are made to wear. Tights are awful no matter if you think you're a boy or not. No one should wear them. (I am correct on this and I do not take notes.) Dresses are confining and most girls are told to not do certain things when you're in them. Your humble reviewer wore dresses almost every single day throughout her childhood so she climbed trees, rode her bicycle, went wading, performed science experiments, jumped rope, hid during hide and seek, went sledding, and played any number of other games and sports in them. Was I told to stop, to be more feminine, to be a young lady, to be more "modest"? Yes. Would it have been easier in pants? Fuck yes. But I wasn't going to stop doing the things I wanted because I was wearing dresses and tights.
"Boy as friends should have been over"? What? Is there an age where one cannot be friends with a boy? It must be older than 36, because I am younger than 36 and still friends with many boys. They are now called men, of course, but I have had friends who were boys for all of my childhood and teenage years and my Catholic mother didn't find that strange. (After all, Jesus had many friends who were boys, and many friends who were girls.)
Mothers sometimes want things for you that you don't want but they want. It is okay to let go of those things. It is okay to start to forge your own path. Wear dresses when they want, once a year or whatever. Play nice. Take it off as soon as you can. Learn to negotiate "nice pants and a sweater" into the equation as soon as you can. It doesn't mean you're a boy.
And EP's Mom - who sounds a lot like my mom on this topic - was right - being someone who is GNC or who is even a bit different (for instance, someone who might be a closeted lesbian) is going to make your life more difficult, because kids are assholes who believe strongly in pattern recognition so any outlier is going to be attacked. My huge imaginary world was built to protect me from all of the bullying I received. I was happiest alone because no one bullied me there. I still wasn't a boy. I was just a weird kid who would one day realize she was a lesbian.
EP says she has never doubted her mom's love for her
but she feels like her mom didn't know how to say "no" to things that were harmful and her mom made her conform because she didn't know what else to do
EP tells a story about trips she and her mom would take to a beach where they did things like enjoy the natural scenery and pretend they had walkie talkies
it leads to this
This is why thirty-somethings have no business writing memoirs, and it's only half-because of the sappy dramatic writing. EP, you are still free. You can still have any kind of relationship with your mom you want. You can even make your relationship better.
EP liked snow days
she and her mom went to Tim Hortons and got hot beverages
sledding was also nice and leads to further fanciful writing
I'm getting to a point in this book where I'm honestly wondering how it's going to end. And I don't mean that in a a negative way (although there are times when I'm reading that I have to physically push on my lips because I feel like I'm wading through molasses trying to make sense of it all), but in the way that EP and I come from not dissimilar backgrounds, had not dissimilar childhoods, and - so far - have similar feelings about those things, and I need to know how it gets from Point A to Point B. We both came out as lesbians, we both have gender dysphoria. I want to know what the justification was for the massive body modification and a trans identity over therapy, or if EP's going to talk about therapy at all. I want to know how she settled on leaving her wife. I want to know if she thinks of herself as straight.
I can honestly only read one or two chapters a night because some of this hurts - it feels too close to home. I am understanding how someone like EP, like me, like a lot of weird and maybe undiagnosed girls, gets to a point where "not being a girl" is the best choice. I want to know what the tipping point is.
I've had some reminders lately that I have yet to finish this slog of a book. Tonight I'm in a mostly good mood, so let's wreck it with some more reading.
Previously
EP thinks about telling off her stepmother and father but never does
she says that the thought of confronting him makes her feel like she was "going to shit blood"
EP talks about friends she made who were oddballs like her
she ruins this by claiming that she stopped being friends with one due to her changing interests, which were more mature than this friend's interests and therefore better
Now
Chapter Nineteen
we start off on a great foot, talking for four sentences about an Old Navy store before doing a complete 180 to talk about her mother's hard life
EP's grandparents - mom's parents - are both dead by the time Mom is 20
EP has an aunt - Heather - who comes to live in New Jersey
when EP goes to New Jersey they watch British comedies together
for some reason EP eats ants
your writer is wondering when the hell we'll get back to Old Navy
ah, there it is
cousins EP sees at Aunt Heather's tell her that she doesn't dress like a girl (which doesn't mean anything), so EP asks her mom to take her to Old Navy
Mom's "enthusiasm spread like bong smoke getting you secondhand high" (131); nice metaphor
EP uses the expression "speaking a kilometer a minute" which I will definitely have to ask my Canadian friend if is a real expression
this part is particularly heartbreaking because I remember a lot of shopping trips like this with my mom
I didn't feel like I belonged in the dressing room and the clothes never felt like they fit
right now I feel the same way - I don't feel like I recognize the body I see in the mirror
I'm giving a presentation at a work-related conference in April and I'm already trying to figure out what I'll wear
anyway, this is a terrible feeling, and girls should never have to feel this way; clothes should never be a reason they feel "difficult and selfish"; they deserve to have comfortable clothing that fits them well
EP does not live in an igloo
EP reminds us that femininity feels like a puzzle or a game that no one can win at
EP wants to please her mom by being an Old Navy girl, but it doesn't feel like her and she isn't sure she can keep it up
Chapter Twenty
EP is in tenth grade and likes a girl
she tries to like a boy instead and ends up humping him on some gym mats; she also sucks his dick even though she isn't into it
EP is bad at French
she buys the girl - her crush - a mildly suggestive birthday card
the girl likes it
EP remembers a time she made a mix CD for a woman in her thirties who she worked with and how she felt embarrassed
she and her crush smoke weed in a tree house
they spend lots of time together but nothing really ever comes of it
eventually they drift apart
EP feels like it's because she couldn't lean in and take what she wanted
time to lean out and do a little real writing tonight
Part of me wants to print this book out and cut it up and put it into chronological order to see if it makes any more sense. The other part of me is just frothing to be finished with it.
Reading this part made me remember the first time I wore new clothes from The Gap to school. The jeans were too long in the legs and dipped too low at my waist. I kept pulling down the tank top I wore to cover it. It was too warm to keep my sweatshirt on all day and even then I knew I didn't like how my arms looked. I also didn't want anyone to see my underarm hair, because I didn't shave it.
I looked like my classmates, but I never felt as comfortable as they looked. And now I still sometimes feel just as uncomfortable, even though I buy all of my own clothes and they're - usually - bought to make me as comfortable as possible.
it was awful because EP details several instances of sexual assault, homophobia, and rape
she says briefly that she felt like a weight was lifted when she came out
but it didn't last very long
your reviewer stopped because Chapter Nine opened with sex and she just couldn't take it
Now
Chapter Nine
as previously stated this chapter dumps us immediately into sex
and your reviewer immediately has some questions
okay, so, first - both "my dick" and "my pussy" = got it, sure, whatever
"queerer than ever" when just performing lesbianism = sure, whatever you need to call it, EP
"magnets sucking"?? is this meant to be sexy? has EP ever stuck two magnets together? did they make a sucking sound to her? does she think "magnetism" and "magnets" are correlated? what the fuck is this meant to express?
in conclusion:
and also, I know I said would take up a sword and go off to fight whoever EP told me to, based on her backstory, but now I think she owes me like $50 (CAD is fine) for having to read that and parse it with my own eyes and my own brain
remember, throw "cis white gay" in front of anything and it's cool to denigrate whatever comes after
EP, who do you think built the bars? Why do you think they're all gay bars? Maybe it's because of the gay community there... c'mon, I wanna give you the benefit of the doubt, but... you have to work for it
I am now running a tab a la "Cinema Sins":
also, nobody likes a bragger, EP. I like to write, then eat, then sleep too, but you don't see me bragging about it. It's just... Thursday.
also I'm dying to know who this "Madisyn" individual is because I am dying to know what she was writing at the same time EP was banging (no pun intended) this out. I'm crossing my fingers for fanfic because I would be roundly disappointed with something like "tracking genetic diseases in Victorian England"
EP continues to make friends and influence people:
yes that was a bad joke for me to make on a post about the f-slur and yes I do feel bad for her for this entire scenario but I feel I am owed some levity considering that I just had to consider EP "getting hard" on sweatpants
FSlur Man chases EP to a convenience store
it forces EP to remember a similar time she was homophobically attacked
okay, so, let's talk about this
I want to believe EP 100% on all of this because a) I know how shit the world is and b) I exist as a lesbian in it
but "This is why I need a gun"? are we sure? this smacks of "look at my attacker's right wing politics" to me and I feel so badly that it does but I am, as previously stated, a very specific type of asshole (one who is incredibly jaded, apparently)
I have never been to West Hollywood and I have no idea what kind of mentally ill people live there, so obviously my own sense of "is this true or not?" is fallible
either way, gay-bashing and threatening gay and lesbian individuals is wrong and I feel like that should be stated in case someone reads this and thinks I'm doubting her or I'm somehow on the side of the attacker(?). yes, I know how weird that sounds, but the internet's a weird place.
your reviewer is sighing because I just don't know what to say about this anymore
being attacked is awful and wrong and should not happen
why are these things not reported to the police? why did these men's faces not end up on Twitter, with cries to find them and get them fired, as is asked of so many of us when we see racists or similar bad actors in the wild?
yeah yeah, I know, believe women and don't question why they did what they did, but I know in my heart that if something like this happened to me I would be filming. I would call the police.
also the third season of Umbrella Academy sucked and I'm putting that half on the shoulders spoilers of EP for wanting Vanya to transition (which was fucking unnecessary because trans actors go on and on about not always needing to play trans characters and offensive because we finally had a lesbian on a show! who wasn't killed!) and half on the shoulders of the show who not only bought into her transitioning her character with absolutely no evidence leading up to it ever, which is shit writing, but also because all they did was run around and yell each other's names and then kill off a bunch of characters we didn't even know for just... funsies, I guess
anyway it was shit and the fourth season better have some big balls to fix all of it or I am going to roundly and aggressively review it
ah, hell, I'm going to do that anyway
where were we?
ah, yes, the "we live in a society" portion of the evening
I want to say a lot of things here but all of them are bitchy and I'm trying to let that not be me
I feel as though many people do not see trans men as "real" men because they are not male, and the correlation is not between "anger" and "masculinity," it is between "anger" and males
it is not females who commit the vast majority of violent crimes and express anger so openly in our society with such ease, it's males
it has nothing to do with whether or not those men are masculine or feminine
or whether or not those men identify as men or not
there are plenty of trans women who are violent as fuck
and in fact many of them seem to be making it "their thing"
so long story short:
Get fucking angry, EP. Be angry about what's happened to you, because a lot has happened to you to be angry about. Fight the fuck back in whatever way feels best for you to do so.
As someone who also has a lot to be angry about from childhood, my teenage years, and then in my twenties, as I dealt first with bullies and mean girls and aggressive boys and just absolute assholes, as well as the Catholic Church, but then moved onto being treated poorly by the medical establishment as I tried to navigate being chronically ill in a world not built for it at a time that I was not prepared to fight for my life... I have found ways to let the anger out. It still sits in my chest and it builds and it squashes into a tiny origami box behind my sternum.
I let it out when I refuse to let anyone define me.
I let it out when I go to therapy.
I let it out when I decide what I like, what I want to do, where I want to be, who I want to be.
I let it out when I make decisions about what my life will look like in the future.
I let it out when I am joyful. The people who tried to break me and ruin me didn't, and I am still alive to be incredibly happy.
I let it out when I am around other women. When I am around my sisters. We are still here.
Find your sword, EP. You've got a bunch of us behind you.
(Also you owe me approximately $64.80 CAD for this chapter. I take Venmo.)
Hello, hi, I'm the problem - it's me. I haven't been as diligent in reading this nightmare of a memoir recently because life has been entirely too busy. But I slept well last night and just learned that my plans for the evening are canceled so I thought I'd hop back in for a little bit - at least until I can't take it anymore.
All the previous parts of this readthrough can be found here.
Previously
EP dates a woman and they are very closeted
eventually this leads to their relationship ending
EP uses the word "euphoria" which I hate
EP gets almost high off writing about wearing swim trunks once when she was a kid
EP writes about a gay man in a way that would make me consider punching someone were I that gay man
and there was gratuitous use of the word "queer" to describe people who were, at least at the time of the events in the book, not "queer," as one was EP as a girl and the other was some kid's brother she knew, who might have been gay and who might have just been effeminate... and upon rereading this the only reason she did this was because he was wearing a Speedo?
your writer hates that with a burning passion and once again pled for EP to stop retroactively assigning "queer" to people for the sake of a memoir (RAQ for short)
Now
Chapter Seventeen
we start off with EP making plans to tell off her stepmother and her father for harassing her when she next goes home
your writer supports this
she never does it
instead her father comes to visit her in LA
he tells her he wants to talk about something that happened when she was a kid
this makes her nervous
instead of apologizing for the way he and her stepmother treated her, he instead says that he's sorry for causing her any stress by leaving EP's mom, but he knows he wouldn't have had the amazing relationship he has with Linda
this is devastating to EP
damn straight, fuck Linda
EP tells her dad she has to go to therapy and leaves early
she gets in a fender-bender on the way there
this is a completely normal response to talking to a parent and is not horrifying at all
Jesus fuck woman
thankfully the chapter ends here, with EP telling us that it would take years before she eventually says something (can't wait to read that part and I actually mean that, it's not sarcasm)
Chapter Eighteen
at age 12 EP decides that no matter what, acting will be her future
she makes friends with a weird kid named Jack who helps her work on her lines and makes videos to send out for auditions
they also play games and form the Pigeon Party
what's that, you ask?
whenever I hear about pigeons it just reminds me of the great Tom Lehrer song, "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park," and not enough people know about that, so here it is for your listening pleasure; Tom Lehrer is a genius and if you take nothing else away from my readthrough of this badly-written memoir, please take away a love for Tom Lehrer's hilarious songs
moving right along, EP's friends tell her that she would be cooler if she didn't hang out with Jack
but like a good friend EP sticks with Jack, even though he's weird and kids hate him (A+ work, EP)
EP goes off to Saskatchewan to film a movie and enjoys it
she meets a guy named Mark and they become friends
they share some of the same pressures and the same hidden emotional issues
EP writes that eventually she drifted away from Jack, annoyingly because her tastes become more mature, which caused your writer to roll her eyes (but just a little)
she meets up with Jack again when they're in their twenties, but frustratingly, writes nothing about how the meet-up goes, just about where Jack was living at the time
and your writer once again is abhorred by how terribly this is all written and surrenders
eventually they realize it's not going to work out
later EP sees her at a party with a man
the chapter ends with the line Someone will break your heart but you will break one too.
Chapter Sixteen
we jump back to EP's childhood; she asks to be allowed to play soccer with the coed league one extra year, which is granted
"not precisely meaning it" but telling the truth all the same
EP talks abut moving into puberty and hating periods, needing a bra, etc., which I'm sure literally only affected her and has nothing to do with how almost every other teenage girl on the planet feels
two things here: 1) "other boys" sure EP; 2) "euphoria" - using "euphoria" to describe oneself or one's gender did not start when EP was a kid and even so, kids don't think that way about themselves, as "euphoric"... that's a very adult, usually trans, way of looking at things and it's pretentious. Ask me when I've ever felt "euphoric" about my body and I'll probably say playing roller derby or swimming, or maybe running pushing my sister in a 5K, and even then "euphoric" seems far too grand and, again, pretentious, for what I felt. I felt confident, I felt powerful, I felt happy, and those were the words I'd use.
a third thing, I guess - it's distressing to learn that one's body no longer fits clothes one enjoyed, but life sometimes is like that, and one learns that boys and girls can wear shorts, pants, T-shirts, etc. This period of time didn't mean needing to give up wearing certain clothes or to start wearing other clothes. It just meant EP would have to purchase them from the dreaded "girls" section
EP talks about going to a friend's house and being permitted to wear swim trunks as a kid, which she describes in a tone nearly orgasmic
... y'know girls and women can wear swim trunks too, EP? I swim in them.
this regressive "gender is clothes" gets me every time I read this and for some reason I always forget how dumb it is
EP meets a gay man:
you recognized yourself in a gay man? the kind of gay man who's on TV, so a collection of stereotypes? EP, even now you don't act like that, so what were you recognizing in this man?
(also, does this man know you wrote about him this way? I'd hate to find myself written about in this manner by someone I barely knew - "She was the kind of lesbian they showed on TV sometimes. The way she dressed comfortably, the way she didn't shave her legs, the way she talked about flea markets, the way she listened to Julien Baker, the way she moved... a lesbian person, you know, like a normal human woman." Jesus Christ. I'd want the book burned.)
EP goes to a water park with a friend:
EP I swear to all that is good and holy I need you to stop referring to other people as "queers" without their permission. Don't ask me how I know, but I know this person would not want to be referred to as "a queer" in your book. Why the fuck would you do this? And you weren't "a queer" at age nine, you were a girl with short hair.
And yes, once again, women can wear swim trunks and in certain places go around with their chests out. I wear swim trunks and rash guards to swim. Once again, gender is just clothes.
EP goes into how euphoric she is to not have to wear a shirt and how she can wear swim trunks and swim and feel the sun on her body or whatever.
be careful with your scars, sunburns will fuck them up
I will admit here that this part, while so weirdly enraging and confusing like the rest of the book, made me feel unhappy and jealous for a couple of reasons. First is that my own BDD and dysphoria have made it hard to want to look at my own body or feel neutral, let alone euphoric, about it. When I'm swimming I don't care, because my body's in the water and it's doing things, but in general I hate everything around it - getting dressed in the Y locker room, peeling off my heavy, stuck swim clothes afterwards, etc. I am deeply jealous of someone who feels so comfortable in their own skin that way.
Second I'm unhappy because I wonder how things would have turned out if I'd been born just a few years later. I'm too old for a school-age diagnosis of autism, too old for knowing what "lesbian" meant in elementary school, too old for discussions about gender amongst my friends. I don't like to think that I would have been pushed in the direction of "trans'ing my gender" if I was among the youths now, but I don't know who I'd be, either.
I am glad that no matter how much I hate my own body from time to time, I know that no matter how much I change it, I'll still always be me. I'll still always be female. My body is more than the nebulous, unnecessary concept of "gender" - it allows me to do the things I want, to love the people I care about, to show up for work - my body is me. I have time to learn how to love my body for what it is.
