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Oct 13, 2015

@pandapeza with a special mention to @mervley because there’s bits here I’m pretty sure she missed. Also, just so you know, @ksilverland is my RP buddy and one of my best friends ever and also my writing buddy and basically I love her and she’s great and you should follow her. She’s responsible for Zev.

NOW, then.

I HOPE YOU’RE SITTING. And that you have time, because BOY IS THIS LONG. Like, REALLY LONG.

Once upon a time, in the far-away land of Kirkwall... yeah, nah, who am I kidding. This is as far removed from a fairy tale as humanly possible to be honest.

Full story under the cut because when I say it’s long, I really actually mean it. As in, almost 5k words long. about 200 words short of that mark. OOPS. SORRY NOT SORRY, read at your own peril.

So... Marissa tried romancing Fenris, see. Funny how things turned out, to be honest. They were almost ultimate enemies. Almost, but not quite. The thing is that... well, Marissa Hawke is a very sexual person. And chasing after Fenris honestly felt like chasing after something that was never going to happen. She still tried, because she’s flirty, and flirting with Fenris over good wine was fun and honestly one of her favorite things to do. In a sort of “let’s see how much I can get away with before he gets uncomfortable and deflects hehehehehe” sort of way. But yeah, a girl has needs, you know? And Fenris wasn’t putting out and she was really starting to get tired with it. That’s where Zev comes in.

ANYWAY. A few years passed, and the thing with Fenris had still gotten absolutely nowhere when she got that mission to go after an escaped Crow and kill him. Of course, rather than kill him, she let him go and agreed to meet him elsewhere and help him out instead. After that little bit of cleanup, she and Zev actually got talking. And that chat led to the whole talk about his nimble fingers and getting manhandled and stuff. The point is that... well, Zev basically pressed all of her buttons all at once. And she and Fenris hadn’t gotten anywhere, so Marissa being Marissa, she was like HELL YEAH I’LL MANHANDLE YOU, I COULD USE SOME STRESS RELIEF IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT. And thus, they banged.

Not too long after that, Fenris showed up at her place and got all angry and defensive about stuff and kinda sorta tried to apologize and they ended up making out angrily against her wall and then they banged.

So game logic says that if you banged someone other than Fenris, then the deal’s off. Fenris gets his memories flashing back to him, then he gets all angsty and leaves, leaving Marissa naked and alone in bed. And let me tell you, she did NOT take kindly to that. Like, what the fuck, you broody piece of shit elf? Fenris never returned to her, romantically speaking (yeah, fuck you too, Fenris.) So Marissa, rather than mourn the loss of the delicate broody elf flower, kept in touch with the very handsome and very satisfying blond elf.

Because she’s all about no strings attached, so of course she was all over that Zev booty. Pshhhh, getting romantically involved. She’ll just be over there getting a piece of the blond elf and not getting involved.

.... yeah, right.

Years go by, and everything blows up. Fenris betrays her when she decides to side with the mages, because Bethany’s in there and there’s no way she’s siding against the only family she has left. So she looks at Fenris and she goes “Sorry Fenris, some things are worth fighting for.” And Fenris, the blighted asshole, smirks at her and goes “I know.” and sides against her. Lord, she was so betrayed. SO betrayed. (Just so you know, her playthrough was REALLY fucked up. By this point, Isabela had left forever, she had to kill Anders, she was 100% rivals with Merrill despite the fact that she was only trying to protect her, and her only true friends were Varric and Aveline. Not to mention she has HUGE family issues that will never get sorted because Leandra is dead). Eventually, Fenris walked in being a REALLY nasty asshole and attacked them. She had to kill him.

After things with Meredith are sorted, Marissa kinda manages to drop off the map, with the help of her friends. And she runs the occasional booty call with Zevran. Because he’s damn good, and she’s damn good, and they have some real fun together, so it’s definitely a win-win situation, right?

Right.

They keep an open relationship. They bang each other, but there’s also the banging of others... the difference is that they are a constant in each other’s lives when the rest of the people they fall into bed with just... aren’t.

Slowly but surely, Marissa starts losing interest in other people. She doesn’t even notice. She’s just... satisfied. And she doesn’t really feel interested in any other man or woman who crosses her path. The same is true for Zevran. Not that either of them will say anything about it, because “lol it’s an open relationship, yes, of course ha ha ha haa.... ha...”

So.... Marissa accidentally slips up on her birth control and ends up getting pregnant. She’s terrified. Literally, honestly fucking scared. She doesn’t want a kid. A kid has no place in her life. She’s a mercenary ffs, she kills people for a living. It’s all she knows how to do. So she talks to Aveline about the possibility of giving the child to her and Donnic and kind of be the weird aunt that spoils the kid because literally she doesn’t know how to be a mother or to raise a child or lead a normal life, not to mention the amount of people who are after her head and stuff and YEAH basically she doesn’t want this.

As luck would have it, it was then that she got the bird from Varric asking her to come to Skyhold. She swears Aveline to secrecy about her being pregnant and leaves for the fortress.

.... and that was where shit went sideways again. As if the Fade wasn’t shitty enough already, she ended up getting stuck in there. Or rather, she wanted to stay behind because she knew she was pregnant and she was fucking terrified and depressed and thought that everything would be SO MUCH EASIER if she just... stopped existing. It would be as though nothing had ever happened. Zev can go back to being a free man, she won’t be ruining anyone’s life with a baby, she wouldn’t even have to have the baby. She’d be gone. Just... gone. It would be so easy to die the hero, to pretend there was never a baby and no encumber anyone with it. Everyone’s problems would disappear, her own included. It was the perfect plan. So she insisted on being left behind.

It was when the rift closed behind her and she found herself face to face with that giant fucking nightmare spider that the realized she was being a blighted idiot. That was not the way to go. She was taking the coward’s path. Not to mention she was too young, kickass and beautiful to die. So she drew her big-ass two-handed sword and she kicked some giant spider ass. She’d gotten that far, and she’d seen much worse, and if she had killed a bloody freaking high dragon, then this thing was not getting the best of her.

(Note: I haven’t played Trespasser and I won’t for a really long time, but what follows is 100% headcanon and I don’t care if game canon says whoever was left behind is dead I WILL FIX IT WITH MY IMAGINATION, OKAY? Okay.)

Marissa proceeded to spend one or two months stuck in the Fade. Meanwhile, Zevran received the news that Marissa had “died.” The way my RP partner put it, something very dear in him had broken when he heard the news." He became reckless and careless, taking unnecessary risks and facing stupid dangers. A broken man indeed. And he knew that it was true, because enclosed with the message, he had received one item: the earring he had given Marissa. The one that had belonged to his mother. (Before everyone left her, she took the earring off and handed to Aelwen, my quizzie, with specific instructions to make sure it reached Zevran. She never took that earring off... until she did, because she was going to die. Or she thought she was.)

Eventually, wandering the Fade, Marissa found some “benign” spirits who led her to a still-open rift. She stumbled out and found that the had come out in the ass-end of Thedas, very far away from Skyhold.

So there she is, in the middle of nowhere, dirty, tired, dishevelled, suddenly hungry, pregnant and suffering from morning sickness. Life sucks. She picks and random direction to travel in and hunts for food. She makes do with what she has and what she can find.

She gets lucky. Maybe it was providence. Maybe the Maker took pity on her after everything that happened to her. I don’t know. The point is that after a few days, Marissa ran into a certain Warden in her quest for a certain cure. She was none other than Adrianne Tabris, alone and on the road, and more than a little shocked to find the Champion of Kirkwall in such a pitiful state (Adrianne is also my RP partner’s bae, not mine, but yeah ;3). Adri turns out to be an absolute sweetheart, and seeing that Hawke doesn’t even know where the hell she’s standing, she decided to walk her to the closest town, going as far as to paying for good lodging and food for them both. Still in denial about her feelings for Zevran, Marissa flirts with Adri the whole way, to no avail. Still, they become friends, and soon she’s told this stranger more of herself than she’d usually tell most... including the fact that she’s pregnant.

A bit on Adri: she fell for Alistair, hard. And they were precious and head over heels for each other. And then Alistair was made king. She remained as his mistress for a while, but it's too painful. Eventually, she left.

So. Adri seeks comfort in Zevran, after leaving Alistair. And Zev provides, knowing that that is all it is to them, a comfort. He cares deeply for her, but things don't really last, especially when Marissa comes into his life.

Adri leaves in search for a cure for the calling, and that's how she runs into Marissa, pregnant and desperate in the ass-end of Thedas. They like each other and enjoy each other's company, but knowing that Marissa is pregnant, with Zevran's child, no less, she doesn't respond to her advances beyond some harmless flirting.

Once in town, Marissa sends birds to the important people, to let them know that she’s alive: Varric, Aveline, Bethany.... and Zevran. To Zev she adds one more request: that he meet her in Skyhold, because there is something they need to discuss. She doesn’t say what.

Adri resolves to walk her to Skyhold, because there is no way she's leaving her to her own devices while she's pregnant, no matter how capable she might be. Still, she refuses to actually go into Skyhold, and instead parts ways with Marissa close to the gates, now sure that she is safe and that she will be taken care of.

Zev is already there, waiting for her. She’s about three months into her pregnancy by then. It’s a heartfelt reunion, and it takes all of her willpower not to cry (Marissa Hawke doesn’t cry!) as Zevran holds her tight to his chest.

Eventually, when things have settled, Marissa sits him down and tells him that she’s pregnant. Much as she never asked for this child, he’s the father and he deserves to know. Cue a nervous joke about fade babies and banging spirits/demons. But no, the child is his. She knows because he’s the only one she’s been with in months, if not at the very least a year.

Zevran is as scared witless about this as she is. Neither of them is cut out to be a parent, neither knows how. This was never supposed to happen to them, especially not when they are nearing their forties and they had both already assumed that they would lead their lives as a mercenary and an assassin respectively, with no familial or romantic ties and only a no-strings-attached “open” relationship. That turned out to be kind of exclusive by accident and by no agreement of their own.

In short, this was never supposed to happen. Yet it did. And now at least she has to deal with the consequences. And she's fucking scared, in spite of herself. Zev could easily walk away if he wanted to. She can't. And she sure as hell can't do this alone. She will, if she has to, because she has no other choice, but she doesn't want to. She doesn’t know how.

Zevran vows to stay with her. It's his child too, no? He won't make her do this alone. Internally, he is more than happy to have her back, and he has no desire of losing her again. Whatever broke in him when he thought her lost to him forever, he doesn't want it broken again.

It's easy to pretend things are normal, at first. Easy to forget that there's a baby in the mix, when there isn't even a bump. So they go about life like nothing's changed, and they jump each other's bones all over Skyhold. Turns out the keep is full of dark nooks and crannies.

By the fourth month, Marissa has a baby bump, and she has one hell of a breakdown. Zev wakes up to an empty bed. Nobody's seen Marissa. She spends most of the day alone, curled up in the still-broken battlements and fucking scared, but wanting to be alone. She shows up for lunch, silent, looking haunted, and Zev sits by her just to keep her company. He takes her hand gently and takes her back to her room afterwards, so they can talk (because yes, they still had separate rooms, even if they spent most, if not all, nights in each other's company).

That's where the worst of her breakdown surfaces. They get into an argument because he’s been reckless and he’s been trying to take down the Crows and she want’s him safe and she can’t do this alone. She eventually tells him, in a manner that’s too soft and too emotional for her usual self, that it's not just the baby, it's that for the first time in her life she's gone and fallen in love and the idea scares her (because she’s used to everyone leaving, it’s a conditioned response, and admitting that she’s in love makes things so much more real, and it makes the potential for being broken so much worse. Again. Nobody ever stays. Nobody but Aveline and Varric. And it took them years to earn her trust.) She hates herself for it. It’s a sign of weakness. She’s weak and she’s emotional and she’s not in control and she doesn’t like it. Everything goes quiet. He looks as much like a startled halla as she does. They both want to run, and yet something’s keeping them there. Man, might as well paste that bit of RP here for you tbh because I can’t do it justice. Marissa comes first, acting very much unlike herself. Because even the great, powerful and strong Marissa Hawke has a breaking point. Each paragraph switches viewpoint because, well, RP things. Also, we kinda took Italian to be Antivan because reasons. Might mix it up with some Spanish maybe.

"You're not invincible, Zevran." She's sitting down and very pointedly not looking at him. "I don't care what you think, you're not. I thought I was, once, and look where it got me." Her arms are wrapped tightly around herself; she's trembling lightly, but that's not something she wants him to see. "Why do you think you lost me to the Fade? I was wrong. I was too confident and I ended up trapped in hell for months. Don't-- fuck, I don't want to lose you the same way you lost me."

“I never meant to imply that I was.” He stood, a counterpoint across the room. “You assume I have not already laid the foundation, that I am working alone. I have been hunting the Crows these last months before I knew of your return. I have a number of contacts and those who would assist me.” He expelled a sharp breath and strode across the room to stand before her. He crouched, hands placed tentatively on her ankles. “You will not lose me. I merely wish to keep us safe.”

She made a face as his fingers curled around her ankles, almost recoiling. She didn't, however, and instead listened, chewing on her bottom lip, stealing glances at him but never really looking. She didn't want to look. "That's what they all say..." the words slipped from her mouth in the form of a whisper, and she grimaced; she hadn't meant to say that. She shouldn't have. She tried to shrug it off, wrapped her arms more tightly around herself.

His brow creased and he retreated from the contact with her skin, his arms left to rest on his knees. He frowned, anger acrid on his tongue as it fizzled out in his gut. “Marissa...” He started towards her, only to pull himself short. “What would you have of me?”

Her only response to the question was a shrug. That's right, what did she want of him? They were just lovers with a child keeping them together. He didn't owe her anything, did he? And yet, the thought of losing him hurt more than any wound she had ever sustained. She couldn't.... she didn't want to lose him. Still, she had no answer for his question, so she said nothing and continued to not look at him.

His jaw tightened and he shifted so that his face was level with her own downcast visage as he reached out to brush his fingertips along her knee. “Carina... Look at me?”

A shiver shook her at the contact, and she finally willed herself to look at him, looking anguished, lips pursed, the corners of her mouth turned down. She had nothing to say, though.

He brushed a strand of hair from her face with a delicate touch, the backs of his fingers tracing her jaw as he retreated. He studied her features, brow creased and a frown marring the line of his mouth. “Please. What is this about?”

She swallowed thickly, dropped her eyes for a second. She knew exactly what it was. It was something she'd been trying to deny for months now, but... what was the point? It didn't change anything, did it? It was just... materializing something she had feared would happen. "You really want to know?" Her voice was quiet, a far cry from her usual, boisterous, loud self. Time to come clean. "I can't lose you, Zevran. The thought terrifies me, and it's not just because of the kid. It's me. I'm scared of losing you because, for the first time in my thirty-five years of life, I have fallen in love and can't possibly conceive the idea of something happening to you." She bit her lip and looked away. There it was. She'd said it. Maker help her now, and whatever he might do with that information. She hoped he wouldn't run away.

Zevran froze, eyes wide and posture reminiscent of a startled halla. She... what? His heart kicked fiercely in his chest, torn between his desire to create space, parse out her admission, and pull her to him and confess his heart. He had known for some time the extent of his feeling for her--his close call in Antiva was proof. Losing her had...shattered something in him. Something he would not wish to harm again. A loss he could not weather a second time. Now, to hear such words from her... It terrified him, if he were completely honest. And it thrilled him. “You are...certain? Forgive my inquiry, I only--“ He shook his head and touched her knee. “May I join you?”

"I am not going to dignify that question with an answer." She scowled at him, shaking, her stomach churning and twisting into knots. Why had she said that? Her every instinct told her to run, to get the fuck away and never come back again. She was terrified of what he might say, and if his initial reaction was any indication at all... she swallowed down the knot in her throat and gestured for him to sit.

He grimaced and stood to join her on the bed, his hip brushing her own. She looked ready to flee, prey caught in a trap, and he pressed a hand to her back in reassurance. “Marissa...” The words stuck in his throat, weighted his tongue like lead. “Mio amore, I... I wish I had adequate words in the common tongue. You have surprised me, with this.” He canted his head towards her, eyes cast up to the ceiling. “It is a...mutual feeling, this.” His gaze flicked to her face. “I cannot abide the thought of losing you--you, in particular. Not again. I meant that.”

The hand on her back only served to startle her, rather than reassure. She gave a jolt and sat straight-backed, rigid and tense. This was it, wasn't it? She had just single-handedly fucked up the one good thing in her life, because she hadn't been able to keep her mouth shut. She was having trouble breathing. And then the words came. It is a mutual feeling. Still, he tiptoed around his words. It wasn't an admission to anything other than he, too, could not stand the idea of losing her. She swallowed thickly, trying to process. What was this? Was he trying to let her down easy? Or was he simply avoiding the words? She couldn't tell. Still, she nodded. "Then you know why I don't want you to do anything stupid. Good. Okay. That's... okay."

The line that marred his brow only furrowed more deeply, gold eyes sharp. If anything, she was more rigid, more tense. Merda. His courtship with love was a flighty thing--he had a difficult time putting the words to the emotion, when his life had taught him that such sentimentality was wrong. The Warden had cracked that, begun to peel back the surface, yet it was still new. Still painfully raw and difficult. “Marissa, what--?” He shook his head. ”Dimmi cosa voi bisogno, mio amore. Ti amo.”

Marissa stared. Openly, wide-eyed, and thoroughly confused. Languages had never been one of her fortes, or even so much as her interests. Thus, she had no idea what had just happened. What had he said? She could take a guess, but... shit, dared she hope? "Zevran, I... what?"

He swallowed thickly, jaw tight. "Marissa Hawke, I... ti amo. I am in love with you."

Things got... emotional, after that, to say the least. The truth was out and they both had to learn to live with this. To accept it. They had a more adult and mature conversation after that, having gone from anger to confession to sickeningly sweet making up. And he acknowledged her viewpoint, and she told him not to stop doing things he wanted to do only because she said so.

Things sort of... look up, after that. Kind of. They are both still scared and broken an have more than enough emotional baggage to carry around, but at least they have each other. Eventually, her room becomes their room, and they have to face the one conversation they have been avoiding: what do they want to do with the baby?

After much consideration and debating and a lot of convincing on Zev’s part, Marissa agrees to give this, them, a family a shot. This kid she’s carrying could signify a new start for them both, if they figure out how, exactly, to do it, where to go, what to do. A new life where they are no longer killers, but something... better. Even if they don’t know what, exactly, just yet. They have time, right?

.... yeaaaaah, nah. Time goes by and she keeps getting bigger and bigger, and they still have literally nothing planned. There’s always later. Whatever attempts at figuring stuff out either of them has made has ended up in nothing, frustration, a bit of fighting and later. They have time. We have time.

There’s good days and there’s bad days and there’s days when they want to be left alone. They have trouble, opening themselves up to each other, and that generates friction. They agreed that they would be more open and let the other help when something’s off, but... it’s easier said than done, and where Marissa actively tries, Zev would rather go take a walk and deal with his problems by himself. He doesn’t know how to communicate, in that sense, and even if he’s trying and getting minimally better, it’s not enough. Marissa wishes he would trust her more.

A lot of things have happened since then (the confession happened back in May, to give you an idea), and now Marissa is eight months and a week pregnant. We have plans, for this week. Meheheheh.

The baby’s name will be Vincenzo if it’s a boy, Adelaide if it’s a girl. Spoilers: it’s a boy. But that’s all they have decided on. The more she thinks about it, the more convinced Marissa is that their best shot lies in going back to Kirkwall, much as she hates the city because of all the bad memories it contains. But that’s where her estate is, together with her money and her friends. People know her there, know better than to mess with her and her own. It just... makes sense.

There are days when she thinks Zev could still leave her, even if he’s promised her that he will stay at her side to brave the storm together.

“I promised you I would stay, did I not?” His hands shook at his sides. He folded his arms over his chest to still them. “I will not abandon you now, not in this.” Not when it is, in part, my fault. “I tell you I love you, and I mean it. Forgive a coward his habits, hm?”

"I don't want you to stay on damned promise, Zevran!" She ran a hand down her face, frustrated. "I want you to stay because I love you and I want you to stay because you want to stay. If that stupid promise is all that's keeping you here, then just go." She turned her back on him and wrapped her arms about herself, trying to mentally prepare herself to hear him leave.

He stared at her back, his hands fisted in his loose shirt. Did she not— “Marissa Hawke, you are a fool if you think I have been lying to you these last eight months. Do you think every time I’ve said that I love you, that I have been lying? That I stay solely based on a promise? That I would leave otherwise?” Anger, pain—these he was familiar with. These he could manage. “I stay because I meant what I said. Because I made a promise out of love for a stubborn woman who refuses to see it for what it is. If you want me to go, then I will go, but you will have to send me from you yourself.”

Fuck. Fuck him. Fuck everything. She was tired. Tired of going in circles and tired of being pregnant and tired of being unable not to expect him to leave, because life had taught her that people would always disappoint her, and that very few would ever actually stay at her side, no matter what. "Then prove it to me, Zevran." Her voice shook with anger and pain, and there was a tight knot in her throat. "Prove to me that I wasn't wrong when I fell in love with you, and that I am exactly the kind of fool you say I am. Show me I'm wrong to doubt you. I want to be wrong." She paused and took a deep breath. The last line came as barely a whisper: "I don't want you to leave."

Stubborn, blighted— He stepped to her then, and pulled her back into his arms. “Then I will not leave your side.”

Things like these happen often now. They are both nervous and high strung and it’s just hit them exactly how close they are to being parents, and they are not ready for this. Marissa’s terrified of childbirth, she didn’t sign up for this, and this is not a kind of pain known to her. So the nerves and the stress pile. They are on end a lot and they argue and avoid each other sometimes, and five minutes later they are asking for forgiveness and cuddling and being sickly sweet. It’s... one hell of a ride, to say the least.

And the baby’s coming soon. Too soon.

OKAY THAT’S ALL FOR NOW. And this is only the shortened version, I’m not even kidding omg. I’M SO SORRY THIS WAS SO LONG, BUT NOT REALLY. You asked, just saying. ASK ME ALL THE QUESTIONS.

#pandapeza #mervley #Hawke/Zevran #Marissa Hawke #Marissa Hawke Headcanons

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