I thought about the hockey gorls (Panecklein) for too long and now me and a 5000 word outline (which is only half-finished) are staring at each other waiting for the other to blink. Every single chapter has the normal outline, then also my notes on what the non-POV character is doing/thinking, and then a SEPARATE note specifically about the nsfw nature of the chapter. And again. I’ve only outline 2015 to 2019. This fic is supposed to go until 2026. It is going to be me that blinks first, I fear
I wrote some devastating Panecklein rpf instead of working, here
I say devastating bc it hurt me to write, you can decide if it also hurts you to read lmao. This is technically part of the larger narrative I have in my head for their story but this is the only part…written….also I wrote it at work and didn’t proof read so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
“Home.” Lee called out, her announcement punctuated by the clunk of the lock and the jangle of keys being hung up.
“In here.” Kelly replied, not looking up from her phone. The posts from her colleagues about their partners were painful today. She closed the text thread with Hilary about her wedding only for the first post instagram showed her being from Emily and Jamie. She pulled in a sharp breath and turned the whole phone off. Not right now.
Lee came in, “Hey. Did you want to order food? I don’t want to cook tonight.”
“Maybe. How was your meeting? Melissa and Ken have info on Kendall?”
Lee grimaced. “Do we need to talk about that now?”
Kelly fixed her with an incredulous look. “Uh, yeah. I think it’s relatively important.”
Lee sighed. “She’s definitely going to be out this season. She hasn’t decided if she’s going to come back after that. Drew is getting a little sibling.”
“Wow. Good for her.” Kelly said. Deep down, she knew she was excited for her, but she couldn’t reach her enthusiasm today. “Did they say who they’re making the new alternate then?”
“What are you talking about?” Lee said, her discomfort edging into her voice.
“Well, you’re the new captain if Kendall is out.” Kelly said, choking down the taste of bile. “It’ll be like it was.”
Lee closed her eyes, stealing herself. She was still standing in the living room, not sitting, not getting closer to Kelly in her usual spot on the couch beside her. God. They had usual spots on the couch. How had she ever let it get this far? Like some bad lesbian stereotype she swore she’d never be.
“It can’t keep being like this.”
She still had her eyes closed. Why did she still have her eyes closed? So that Kelly couldn’t look right at her? Why? “What are you saying?” She asked.
Lee opened her eyes “I told them to give it to you. The captaincy is yours.” She was impossibly stoic. Somewhere inside her chest, Kelly felt the emotional storm that was brewing snap, anger replacing devastation with the same intensity.
“I don’t want it. I want you.”
Lee scoffed. “God, Kelly, how can…how…how am I supposed to respond to that?” She finally moved, sinking into the armchair that was only used when they had company over. It was wrong. It was so wrong.
Still, years of instincts took over, the placation on her tongue and tumbling out of her lips before she could scold herself for it. “It’s just about hockey, Lee.”
Lee’s gaze was pained. “We both know that’s not true. We both know that hasn’t been true in so long.”
Kelly laughed in spite of herself. “Oh, so we’re talking about it now?”
“We need to. I can’t keep doing this in between…bullshit!” She threw her arms in the air. “God, Kelly!” Lee finally betrayed emotion.
“We’re only in this “in between bullshit,”” Kelly said, air quotes punctuating her statement, “because you never wanted me! You keep me at arms length, waiting and hoping for the right man who will sweep you off your feet or something. It’s always been you avoiding this!”
She laughed like a crazy person, because she was. Lee had made her crazy. Eleven years of playing on the same team, living together for most of it, being her goddamn emergency contact and…and? Why was she still waiting? The anger tumbled out of her, unable to stop the rant.
“You’ve made me look so fucking pathetic; always here when you want to cry about never finding the one, performing goddamn…compulsory heterosexuality like it’s the performance of a lifetime and you went to goddamn Juilliard! And now you want to have a “what are we?” talk? I don’t know Lee. I don’t know what we are, because for the past goddamn decade I’ve been acting like I’m yours, while you figure yourself out. I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired.”
She finally looked back up, meeting Lee’s eyes. She looked mortified, but Kelly couldn’t bring herself to care. Not now. Not today, even though the instincts she’s honed over her entire adult life screamed at her to go to her, to comfort her, to apologize.
“Look, I’m sorry. It wasn’t fair to you. I treated you like shit, I see that now.” Lee started to say.
“Now? You see that now? Now that I’ve spelled it out for you? I sure hope so, Lee.”
“I’m sorry. You’re right. You’re right, I was- I was figuring myself out and I shouldn’t have strung you along-” She said again, and it was too much.
“Wow. I can’t believe that was all I had to say that whole time. Fuck. Hell, why don’t I save us some more time? You’re a lesbian. There is no guy who is ever going to change that.”
She met Lee’s eyes again, and the utter hurt in them was…she needed to leave. She needed to leave, because if she didn’t, she was going to say she was sorry and beg for forgiveness and tell her that it was all her fault and she didn’t deserve to hear that.
“Fuck.” She stood up shakily. “I’m going to my parents.” Her voice, which had been so fucking confident, wavered. She would leave the apartment for Lee.
“Fuck you.” Lee said through tears.
Phone in pocket. Shoes on feet. Keys in hand. Quick as possible. Get. Out. She didn’t remember walking to her car, she just found herself in the driver seat staring numbly at her hands on the steering wheel. She started the car and idled, trying to collect herself before driving to Plymouth when her phone chimed.
Melisa Caruso (GM)
Could you come in for a quick meeting at the practice facility with Ken and I? Before you leave for your trip, if you’re able. Otherwise, we should schedule for when you’re back along with Brant. It’s about the open position. I assume Lee told you?
Kelly huffed out a laugh. Of course they assumed. Because everyone assumed at this point. What Lee knew, Kelly knew because they’re dating. Oh, they’re not? But they’re so…oh. Lee is straight? Well. I never would have guessed!
She shot off a perfunctory text that she could be there in half an hour and waited for the answering confirmation, texting her agent while she waited to make sure he’d be available to call into the meeting. As she put the car into drive, she put on her game face. It had to just be about hockey. She couldn’t let this be about anything else right now, because they were about to offer her the captaincy, and she didn’t know how to accept.
