#pathwinding

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Jewitch Self-Analysis: Theism & Personal Conceptualization

I've already monologued about my relationship with belief. I'm going to try to set it aside in order to focus on my current perspective on HaShem. I see this as perhaps one of the most--if not the most--critical sticking points about the awkwardness of combining Judaism and witchcraft. "Aren't you using non-Jewish spiritual practices that HaShem forbids? Do you think you can control HaShem with magic? Do you not trust HaShem to let things happen as they are supposed to?"

I'm... ready to wade into the controversial pool here. I feel like people can get HaShem wrong. And in an way that could be argued to be idolatrous. I'm not going to say that with absolute certainty nor authority-- I'm just one drop of opinion in an ocean of people with actual acclaim after all--but I'm still going to talk about it.

Jews generally recognize that references in the Torah to HaShem's arm or face or whatnot are intended to be metaphorical. We humans anthropomorphize things in order to better understand them. If people try to apply physical form to HaShem or act as if a physical thing is divine in a serious way, however, this is a form of idolatry. And so I argue that anthropomorphizing, trying to fit HaShem into a human box in any kind of serious way, is a form of idolatry (albeit perhaps a far less severe form). It comes easy to people, both because of the psychological phenomenon I mentioned (of making HaShem easier to understand) but also because it's an effect of living in a very Christian-dominated society which frequently depicts images of Gd in a human-adjacent form or mortal Jesus as Gd.

But HaShem is Ein Sof, Without End. HaShem is not human. For as easy as it is for me to apply human traits, it's equally difficult for me to not feel as though this application is disrespectful or inappropriate. It even feels wrong to say "melech" during brachot, and I have a little mental asterisk in my head that says "but not in a human way though."

It would be easy for me to say that HaShem would forgive us for this act of idolatrous anthropomorphizing because it is not intentional idoltary. And then that right there would be an example of the anthropomorphizing I'm talking about. Saying that "HaShem would forgive" implies HaShem has emotions the way humans do, makes choices the way humans do, interacts with the linear progression of cause and effect the way humans do. It's a set of assumptions we make because we are human and only truly understand how humans act. On an intuitive level, we have the barest understanding of how other animals act, try very hard to understand plants and fungi, and don't even see anything else as having a deeper understanding to it at all. And yet, we think we have a decent understanding of HaShem?

I feel like I'm just reiterating Maimonides' theistic conceptualization, in a way. I'm almost not even sure why I'm bothering to write this post, now that I'm re-reading the article I just linked and finding it a lot better worded without throwing around accusations of soft idolatry.

I think the place I diverge is when I start stepping away from Maimonides' very rational "negative theology" the article describes, and start adding something in again. (With the asterisk of "I don't fully believe this nor disbelieve this, please refer to the 'secret third thing' in my previous post on belief," of course.)

I agree with Maimonides that, logically, something came before the universe. I can't be satisfied with the Big Bang Theory alone, because something must have surrounded it, initiated it. Our world has a logical progression to it, and the only thing that could have predated it is something that is incomprehensible, something to be forever grateful to for helping/allowing/initiating the universe. And it seems to me that there is no reason to think that this Supreme Being vanished, or was eliminated by the universe coming into play. In fact, it seems very reasonable to think that this Supreme Being used Its own self (inasmuch as It has one) to create the universe, and as such is part of every little thing that lies within. We are still surrounded by Oneness.

So. I guess I currently conceptualize HaShem as the neural network of the universe. Not material, but the thing inhabiting and driving the material. Not thinking, but nevertheless acting. Everything connected on an immaterial level, and affecting one another like dominoes. Perhaps if we were able to somehow rip ourselves from our material forms we may perceive a pattern suggesting human-like intent or at the very least perceive the general direction of the universe, but that's not possible. At best, we have the chance at finding this understanding if/when we are reintegrated with HaShem at the end of the universe.

As a visualization, I see HaShem as the light behind the starfield of the universe. The waves of energy that seep from the stars emanating in all directions, and clinging to/supporting everything perceivable. Creeping tendrils of that energy reaching into the material, including my body and the chair and the air, with branches that are more numerous for more complex material things like life. All tendrils connecting to one another in a complex network, pulsing between each other. While my mind is limited to my branching tendrils, I am nevertheless part of this neural network and affect/am affected by each nearby component. I glow with the light. HaShem is Everything and I am part of Everything.

And here's the witchery part of this: If we are part of an immaterial neural network, we should be able to trigger effects in this neural network. Certainly I can cause the most perceivable effects with my material self (directly talk to someone to get their help), but I should also be able to cause effects if I can invoke those immaterial connections (invoking our connection so that a person feels suddenly inclined to ask me if I need help).

The closest I can perceive of immateriality, as a human, include my emotions and belief and intent and overall abstract thought. Perhaps I can better control my surroundings by engaging these most immaterial aspects of my self. Stronger connections can help me with that, and repetition (habits but also utilizing aspects of shared languages & culture) strengthens those connections. Following things that I associate with the immaterial because other people also do, the witchy-like things, may give me a better chance at successful invocation.

There's part of me that feels the universe is inevitable. The very concept of gravity dragging things in a specific direction suggests that all actions will happen along a predetermined linear path. Even if invoking the immaterial is possible and works, there remains a possibility it was also inevitable that things would happen upon my invocation. But this doesn't nudge me to quit. Because no matter the truth of the nature of the universe, I am tapping into something sacred and mysterious and worth acknowledging. I am reaching within and finding HaShem's light.

Say I do believe in this wholeheartedly, and wasn't stuck on my "secret third thing" belief. This is not at all traditional Judaism. And it may even seem an arbitrary thing for me to assign Jewish interpretation as the "correct" interpretation of That Which Existed Before The Universe As We Know It. I don't know if it's "correct." Everything is passed through humans in order to communicate such abstract concepts like this Ultimate Abstract Concept, and there are most certainly errors as we attempt to comprehend the Incomprehensible. I can't even bring myself to truly see the Torah, our most sacred document, as directly from HaShem because of all the humanness involved that is necessary for it to exist. So why continue with Judaism? Why not just start anew with these fringe thoughts?

I think it's because, at the end of the day, I'm still a human who needs home and community. And Judaism is this for me, more than fringe witchcraft alone could ever be. It is the truest monotheistic religion, it is the religion that I grew up with, and it is a set of beliefs that I can adhere to in such a way that makes me feel as though I still am doing something good and true. It feels right. I am ever-grateful to HaShem for my life, and perhaps by performing halachot, my sacred obligations, I can effectively express that feeling.

The short of it is this: Judaism gives me the strongest spiritual connection to the immaterial neural network of the universe, and invoking this immaterial through witchcraft makes me feel closest to HaShem. It gives me balance, and meaning. And through this I am fulfilled.

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What do you find most beautiful about your faith or practice- or, alternatively, what do you wish people knew about it (or you can answer both)?

(Hmm, it's been a hot minute since you asked this, sorry about that. Gave me plenty of time to think about my answer, though!)

Same answer for both questions: It has to be the lulav and etrog, representing the Four Kinds. It specifically is meant to represent the Jews who observe Torah, observe mitzvot, observe both, and observe neither.

Every Sukkot, we recognize that Jews are diverse people who believe in or focus on different things, and we don't divide ourselves along those lines. Instead, we gather all Four Kinds together and wave the unified plants in all directions around our body, celebrating our unity as Am Yisrael. Each branch is its own thing, but only together can it be a lulav.

Community is so important in Judaism, and, especially as a fringe Jewitch, the lulav and etrog's message of inclusion is so beautiful to me. And I wish more people knew about it, how important we are to each other. People might have their own feelings about how I engage with my spirituality, but at the end of the day I know I will be at home in my synagogue and with my people.

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An easy fast to all who are observing, this Yom Kippur. May we be sealed in the Book of Life.

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Jewitch Self-Analysis: Belief

There are so many theistic perspectives. And there are so many types of Jews. (And witches.) And I don't feel like I fit neatly into any of these belief boxes.

I frequently think of this little post. Just that snappy little reply helped me reach the epiphany I don't believe nor disbelieve in anything in particular, but experience some secret third thing. Something more subtle, wavering, possibly agnostic but possibly apathetic in the least emotionally apathetic manner (I care so much about this). The spiritual version of genderfluidity. Never the same in different contexts.

I trust everyone to have truths that are beautiful and also a bit wrong, and also crucial to revealing a deeper truth that I am just barely caressing. I am also wrong, but without proof that others' are objectively correct all I have to go on is what I observe and what is contained within my mind. I am skeptic of both the believers and the skeptics. I try what I can within the limits of this human body.

Belief is a powerful tool, and can alter an individual's health and behavior which can domino in huge things like wars and movements. I don't not have belief, but I also feel I am in such a metacognitive limbo I can't say I do have it. I tell others "it doesn't matter to me whether this is true or not" because that's simple to convey, but I also know that belief does matter. I just said how powerful it is. Maybe "it matters not" in a way that matters greatly on an objective level...?

It's confusing to try to put this feeling into words.

But perhaps that's the key word, "objective." Perhaps belief matters objectively, but for me, subjectively, whether I am committed to a belief or not doesn't matter. Not emotionally, anyways. I should still act. I do still act. I will still act. And I will feel as a result of those actions.

That one specific philosophical aspect of tzedakah, that actions matter more than intent, is something I cling to. It does just as much good to add coins to the box by someone who is bitter about it as someone who is thrilled about it. Just as much good to rescue a hurt animal while cussing about being late to work as it is to do so while praying. Actions speak louder than the thoughts driving them.

So I can strive for betterment of myself and the world around me without the intent of belief behind these actions. I don't need a higher power to do things, and if it's through a higher power that I do things then that's just as fine. I don't need free will to carry out fulfilling actions, but if there is no inevitability I will reach the same level of satisfaction. My ability to observe is limited, running on this simple human machine, and there is a mystery about the future that is tantalizing.

It makes sense to me why people believe things, and why people reject things. I can feel both attitudes bubbling within me. But they're so deep and inaccessible, consumed instead by my curiosity. I am happy and willing to put aside my possible conclusions of the world just to continue to observe for as long as I can. My conclusions are useless without all the evidence, after all.

When I die, the greatest tragedy I will experience won't be whether there is or isn't an afterlife, but the fact that I won't be able to accept all theories as relevant and possible anymore.

Tying this to my Jewitch self-analysis...

I have the balance of belief/disbelief in me for both Jewish and witchcraft thought, and neither is able to push out the other. Both directions call to the turnings of my mind, even if sometimes it feels more like a primal, cultural yearning. I can't be satisfied by one direction over the other, because I can't fully commit to belief in just one. All I feel like I can do is act, and observe those who are deeper in the beliefs (often with the taste of envy while I'm at it).

It's my hope that through practicing these things I'm inclined to, that I might find myself leaving belief limbo. Even if not (which is likely), my actions will be aimed at betterment of me and those around me. And so I can increase the good in the world.

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Jewitch Self-Analysis: Regular Practice

I'm well past the hyperfocus that led to me making this blog last summer, and I've been analyzing where I'm at with my regular magic practice. It's funny, for as much as I love the energy and mindsets that surround the witchy community, I'm not what you would call an active practitioner? And I think I'm accepting this fact, more than I was before when I had grandiose plans for the Jewitch I wanted to be.

A little background to what contributed to this conclusion.

I tried out tarot divination 100 days in a row, from a daily card pull to a more in-depth spread. It turned from trying to predict the day to a simple daily reflection before I went to bed. Then about as soon as I completed the challenge I set down my cards I haven't picked them up since. These days I just pay attention to anything unusual, and frequently my shuffled songs bring up music that reflects where I'm at. I came to this realization that I don't need to try to predict my future, because I know I can adapt to anything that comes my way.

I took a Reiki class to develop my energy work skills, and I have not kept up with the daily practice my instructor insisted on. I do a self-treatment once in a blue moon, but overall it requires more energy to practice than I feel I receive from it. I also haven't been in a situation where I needed any additional healing, because I am generally in pretty safe situations and feel unbothered by little burns or bruises that serve to remind me of my humanity.

A month ago I stuck up a mezuzah in my car, and I saw that it didn't have a Shemah scroll inside it. And my thought was, "that's okay, I carry the Shemah inside of me." I still kiss the little mezuzah with the intentions of protection while driving and to deter potential thieves, knowing that ultimately I am actually passing on that intention to the universe which will decide how to handle it.

With all of this, I feel that the only spell I am casting on the regular is "trust the universe." Both with my daily prayers to express gratitude, and frequent thoughts of trust. By practicing so little I feel I am investing the power of my trust into HaShem, and I am consistently rewarded with a beautiful life and no more weight than what I can carry.

Sometimes I'll do easy extra spells if I want a little extra oomph. I may engage in a little magic to prepare me for the day, simple things like adding intention to my breakfast to increase my energy, or sometimes moving my hands in motions of protection when I know it's going to be rough (usually when it's windy, which can drain me). I use a particular hand motion to combat my anxiety, and I sing mindlessly to center myself or improve focus.

And that's about it. These topics interest me, I like collecting resources and skills to stick in my back pocket, but overall I am not what past me would consider a true practitioner. And that's okay. I'm at peace with the passive Jewitch I am right now.

[pathwinding]

Praying for the safety and health of the people in Israel facing violence today, praying for a peaceful end to the violence, and praying for change in the hearts of those glorifying this violence.

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Dreaming of Being Everyone

Some time back I read a short story on Tumblr that inspired me. A person who just died is due to be reincarnated, and will continue to do so infinitely until they become a god. This turned out to be a copy of The Egg by Andy Weir, inspired by the essay Infinite Reincarnation by Chiyote (whose essay/concept I appreciate, but apparently he has been whining about nothing else but Weir stealing from him for 14 years now if you look at Reddit and that’s sure... something). The idea is that the electricity of the brain is the soul, the energy. And, following the law of conservation of energy, the energy of the soul can’t be created or destroyed but only transferred across infinity. And therein lies the infinite reincarnation.

This concept/story can be attractive to people in many ways, and for me it’s the ultimate dream: To have gotten to experience all that this world has to offer. There isn’t enough time in my limited lifespan to do everything I want. The common reason people want to be immortal is to have enough time to master all the skills, explore all the places, etc. The flaw of that is that you are still linear, and you will never experience the past and are stuck learning ever more things as knowledge continues to develop. But to be every human being means being able to actually have all those experiences throughout all of the incarnations.

I would love to, after I die, become this ultimate being. To revel in all of the inherited memories and be truly grateful to all of my forms for taking the paths they took. To enjoy being Humanity.