‘i love you’ patrick/addison
8. While drunk
Three years sober and it’d all gone down the drain in a night. One night of anxiety over the things so far in his rear view he felt insane for continuing to think about so often. One night of panic attacks and nightmares. One long fucking night. But just one night. That’s all it took for him to pick up the bottle again. He was well aware once he started he wouldn’t be able to stop. One drink did nothing, so it turned to four quicker than he could bat an eye. Four brought out tears, desperate tears, wishing he could be more. More than the man he was. More than a guy still afraid of demons inside of him. More than a guy so afraid of one demon that he took to the more comfortable demon within. More than himself.
Four turned to seven, and somewhere in the mix, he couldn’t exactly remember where he’d called the brown haired girl from his past. He wished he could remember why. He never sought out comfort, it wasn’t in his nature, but he’d become unfamiliar with the unleashed side of himself, so maybe this was his new drunken norm. He was always so happy to see Addison, always smiling at the sight, but when he opened the door to the knock he was a disheveled mess, not fit for anyone to see. Tears stained his cheeks, no shirt, only a pair of jeans to shield him from the cold night air that filed in. She shuffled in without many words exchanged. “I’m so--” he spoke with the bottle in hand, tears again welling up in his eyes, the thought of someone else seeing him like this too much to bear, never mind the girl he’d spent so much of his time thinking about. “I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t be here, can’t you see that now? Can’t you see why I’m no good for you? Look at me! Look at me! I’m a fucking mess, Addison,” he so quickly became unhinged, the tears again starting to roam down his face quicker than he could have imagined. It was what he wanted to tell her about him, but could never find the words. That his whole life could be going wonderful and in a moment’s notice everything could go dark for him. She’d been his light, something to look forward to on the harder days, but there was no light for him when he was like this. She deserved to be someone’s light. Always. Not just when it served them, and that seemed to be all Patrick could provide for anyone. “I love you, I love you, but you gotta let me go. I’m no good-- I’m no good for anyone, I can’t bring you down with me.”