#personal evening thoughts

[myowntinycorner]

March 26, 2017. 9:04 PM.

Why do things in my life seem way more complicated than I want them to be? I slept with the guy I used to really like in high school, and now we’re in this weird gray area. I’m starting to really like this guy who’s younger than me. And the guy I refuse to let myself fall for has texted me out of the blue. 

The guy I slept with likes me but doesn’t want a relationship. The guy I’m starting to really like and I are just trying to talk more to see if we truly do like each other in that way. The guy I refuse to let myself fall for claims he loves me and has for a while, but we can’t be together because of distance.

It feels weird knowing how people feel. It makes me feel a tad confused. What makes this feeling worse is being around my best friend and her boyfriend. 

As much as I’m happy for my best friend to finally find someone who loves her and fills her up with joy, I look at them and think about how lonely I feel. I feel like it’s never just me and her anymore, but it’s the three of us. As inclusive as they are, I still feel left out. I can’t blame her though. It’s normal for a couple to spend a lot of time together when they begin their relationship.

Just once, though, I want something that isn’t complicated. I’ve tried to leave it all to fate, but she’s just fucking cruel. 

[myowntinycorner]

July 19, 2016. 7:35 PM

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m scared. There’s so much going on, and I don’t know what I’m going to do. Only one person knows what fully is going on, and he’s scared too. 

We both made a mistake, and now we have to face the consequences. We’re both too young for this.

All I want to do now is drink my feelings away. All I want is for him to tell me everything is going to be okay even though we’re both unsure if it truly is.

I’m too afraid to tell anyone else what’s going on because of the fact that I know people will judge me. I can’t even tell my family because I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t help. 

If only this was a problem I was able to run away from...

[myowntinycorner]

January 24, 2016. 7:45 PM

I took a risk today. I told this guy who works at the Starbucks inside of Barnes and Noble that he was cute. I wrote a thing about him and read it to him. I told him it was a creative writing assignment to do out of my comfort zone. (I never got to do this assignment when I really was in creative writing so I decided to take inspiration and do it.)

The thing I read him was a piece I wrote in five minutes. It’s called “The Boy With the Glasses.” (The thing I read to him is in italics, and the strikethrough line is the line I didn’t read to him.)

You don’t know me, and I don’t know you. All I know is that you caught my eye. I wish I was able to get to know you. I don’t even know your name. I just know you work at the Starbucks inside Barnes and Noble. I’m afraid to go up to talk to you due to the fear of embarrassment. If I were to say anything, I would just say, “Hi, you seem like an awesome person.” But for now, you’re just the boy with the glasses who caught my eye.

After I read this to him, he smiled and asked if it was about him. I nodded and hid behind my book, but he just smiled. He asked me for my name and got to know me a bit more before he asked me for my number. I smiled and gave it to him, and he said he’ll text me when he gets off work.

About 10-15 minutes later, his coworker came by, and I overheard him telling her what happened. She thought it was cute and motioned over to me. I looked up, and he looked over and smiled at me. I smiled and continued writing. When I left, I looked over and smiled at him. 

Today was an interesting day.