Persistent self-doubt and second-guessing is a common feature of anxiety disorders, including generalized anxiety disorder and OCD. In some cases, the doubt may revolve around a question that's central to a person's identity, like "What if I'm gay?" or "Do I love my husband as much as he loves me?"
In OCD, Winston says, these "doubt attacks" are especially common when a question is unanswerable. People with OCD "think, 'If only I would know 100% for sure whether I was gay or straight, either one would be fine,' but they have this intolerance for uncertainty that turns the question into an obsession," she says.
Sally Winston, PsyD, co-director of the Anxiety and Stress Disorder Institute of Maryland in Towson via Health.com
Someday I'll stop making a vast amount of personal posts on here. Some day. Probably not. Also, excuse the capitals, I just like my titles to stick out. Anyway, this is kind of important. Maybe it's not. I really don't know, it all depends on how you see things and feel about me mostly. But the point of this post is me being honest with everyone about something I've been keeping on the downlow for a long while. I haven't ever fully come out and said it because I never really saw it as something I should say. It just never seemed significant to me, and not in the sense that I don't mean it. I just really don't know how to explain it since I'm still figuring it all out myself. I don't even really like getting in to personal details along these lines, it's just not me, and that has a lot to do with how I was raised. That's a different story entirely. What I am trying to say is:
No just kidding that's not it, and this isn't a joke post, I just have a terrible sense of humor and make jokes at inappropriate times. It's one of my charms. In ALL seriousness, what I want to tell you all is that I have come to feel that I am genderqueer. This probably doesn't even come off as big deal, and maybe it's not even one, but I wanted to do this coming out business since because although I feel I am genderqueer, I'd prefer to go by male pronouns when spoken to or talked about. I would also prefer to only be called Mo or Mac. If that's just too short, I'm good with being called Mackenzie. Strange name choice, but it works with Mac and I like it. It feels better than Monique ever really has.
I'm not going to hate you or anything if you call me female (she/her) pronouns, or call me Monique, and truthfully, I will likely not even correct you. I'm still outrageously nervous about this. Coming out has honestly been easy for me my entire life. I came out to my parents with the sexuality I felt was right (bisexual) when I was thirteen despite their personal views on everything having to do with that. Naturally, that's changed over time and now I prefer to remain label-less with my sexuality, though again, it was fairly easy since I was sure about not being attracted to one gender from the get go. My gender identity, however, is a lot more complicated and always has been. I'd like to hope it won't always be. This coming out is harder since I'm actually coming to terms with this myself, and trying to understand it all. I've been seen as a girl most of my life and it's never felt 100% right for me. When people have mistakenly called me male pronouns or referred to me as a boy, it's never bothered me. It's always felt natural. So by having others call me male pronouns more commonly, I'm hoping I'll be able to find a gender identity I feel at home with.
I wanted to start out online first, because such a big part of my life is spent here. In real life, I unfortunately will still be known as Monique and called a female. I'm not ready to tell friends/family that have known me my whole life or a majority of it. Not only that, but my immediate family makes it hard. I wouldn't get kicked out, or abused, or anything. At least I don't think so, but the three of them have a hard time understanding gender identity concepts, and wouldn't respect it unless I myself was completely confident. Even then, it's very likely they wouldn't get it. For now I'm going to work on finding out what I feel is right for me before I take that step and hope for the best.
That being said, this is a process I'm wanting you to help me with. If you're willing to. If this makes you uncomfortable, I'll understand. It'll hurt, I can't lie, but like I said before, I won't hate you for it. It's confusing for me, too. I'm not trying to make anyone feel pressured to change around me, as I also said, I just would like your help. I've been very (to put it in light terms) sad for a very long time, and I'm not saying admitting this will suddenly make my life better. But I'd like to think it'll make me feel more at home with myself so that I can get better. This all sounds so dramatic, doesn't it? Good lord. I'm sorry. I just needed to get this out, I've been forming this post for a long time. Tonight I'm finally having the balls (ha ha more inappropriate jokes) to post it.
Some things you should know:
You can talk crap about me all you want still, but just do it with the appropriate pronouns
I'm still going to say i have white girl problems because I don't see it as/or feel it to be me calling myself a "white girl"
You can call me any sort of descriptive word you like (beautiful, handsome, pretty, cute, dumb, jack ass, bitch, jerk, lovely, rugged, silly, etc) since I don't feel those words should be limited to one gender in the first place
If you see anything that reminds you of me and it happens to be of a female (TV show, movie, comic, clothing, etc), I will not be offended if you tag me with it or show me that. I'll still be complimented and probably agree with you rather than be insulted
I'm going to call myself very gay/homo/hetero/etc since my sexuality has nothing to do with me gender identity
I'm still the same friend you had before, I'm only trying to figure myself out and would like you to help me out
That's pretty much all of it. You'll probably see me reblog this a couple times to get the message out, and I'm sorry for that. I just would like this to become known so I can start getting a sense of normalcy. Thank you for reading, I didn't mean for it to get this long. I hopefully still have your support and friendship despite that.
For making it this far, here's a gif of those idiots DayHart
(Alaina kitsrps made this gif just for me and that was important to tell)
One of the surest tests [of the superiority or inferiority of a poet] is the way in which a poet borrows. Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal; bad poets deface what they take, and good poets make it into something better, or at least something different. The good poet welds his theft into a whole of feeling which is unique, utterly different than that from which it is torn; the bad poet throws it into something which has no cohesion. A good poet will usually borrow from authors remote in time, or alien in language, or diverse in interest.
Eliot, T.S., “Philip Massinger,” The Sacred Wood, New York: Bartleby.com, 2000
Here is a background explanation of the "good poets borrow, great poets steal" quote. Or, in the art world, "good artists borrow, great artists steal" often attributed to Picasso.
It's also important to note that T.S. Eliot did note mean stealing the work of others and calling it your own. He talks about using work that inspires you in an influential way by adding your own take on the idea and therefore, contributing something new to the community.
